I'm trying. I really am trying. Joy is so important to me and opening my heart to love and light. I'm just struggling right now. Can I just vent?
I was determined to remake Christmas season into Yule Season and center it around the solstice. I am homeschooling and planned our solstice books, solstice activities, making solstice sun cupcakes, and put up a yule tree and yule lights outside. It's just so hard though when everyone around you is celebrating something you don't believe in. In my case I don't believe in Christmas OR the consumerism involved.
I have years of negatives in my life I am going up against as well as a strong history of depression and some weird type of epilepsy that no one could ever explain fully. I couldn't handle being on western medicine drugs anymore because what they were doing to my body so I now have no "support" from ways I used to cope with things. These weren't healthy ways of coping so I'm fine without them. Just some days come and "blam" everything shatters down on me.
I'm using the universal laws, I'm using affirmations, I've released the negatives and I am so stressed right now my nerves keep on cutting circulation out of my arms (I'm not kidding). I took a shower tonight just to have a safe place to cry.
For starters - last night someone stole the lightbulbs off my yule lights outside. We protected our property with energy so this doesn't make sense to me. Unless the energy wants us to learn something. Who steals lightsbulbs? 6 of them to be exact. Who in the world steals 6 LED lightbulbs and covers? I makes me want to give up on yule altogether.
In my previous posts you can see I choose to take my MIL out of my house. On top of the stolen yulelights I was told today by DH that his mom and sister are coming down for dinner at 1 pm on Christmas. He works Christmas Eve until 7 pm and then works again Christmas at 4 am so he won't be home to help me cook. I can't cook. I am also told I will have to prepare a plate of food for SIL's boyfriend who I won't allow in the house under any circumstance. But he needs his Christmas dinner so I am expected to cook for him. I'm trying to have a joyful heart and realize he technically is human and I need to be loving towards him but really?
The last time my MIL visited my DH wasn't home and I had such a bad panic attack over the visit. When she left I was alone with my kids, age 3 and 5, and I felt like my skin was crawling off. I don't have panic attacks in daily life unless it involves my MIL.
Here I am stuck in a stupid holiday season I don't believe in, trying to make it something I do believe in, and everything is shattering down. Maybe I'm trying too hard.
I don't know. I give up. Is there a cave I can crawl into and hibernate?