Am I Hard To Please, Or In the Wrong Relationsip?

[BabyMae09]

My husband is such a great guy. He's everything I thought I wanted. But it turns out that nice guys are sometimes complete pushovers. He just stood there while his Mom yelled at me last year; it took hours of explaining why he needed to tell his brothers that it wasn't okay to 'jokingly' call me a b*tch; he won't talk to his (awesome) boss about getting a raise even though he hasn't had one in 3 years and we REALLY need the money; the list goes on.

I am, admittedly, a strong person, I have opinions on things; but I have reasons for them, I'm not just someone who spouts off about things I have no clue about. I can also be emotional; although I'm much better about it than I used to be.

I am also really spiritual, and DH is not at all, which has always bothered me. It doesn't matter what kind of spirituality we're talking about, he thinks it's silly.

Also, he never told me (until a WEEK ago) he literally almost FAINTS at the sight of blood, which I know now is probably one of the big reasons he couldn't support me during our attempted home birth. I ended up in the hospital for no reason other than feeling unsupported and scared - he wasn't able to help me calm down - didn't even try. I'm feeling so sad about that right now...

We got pregnant with DD really soon after we started dating, and I know that has a lot to do with why we're still together. On the other hand, everyone says he's totally in love with me and he's amazing for me.

He does all kinds of amazing things around our place (building a chicken coop, etc.) - plus he cleans the house, and is great with our kids. I just don't feel that 'connection' with him, and I'm wondering if I ever did, or if I just thought I did and then we got pregnant so fast I didn't really have a chance to think about it anymore. Plus, I've never had a healthy relationship modeled to me, so I don't think I know what it really means to be in one.

Ugh. I hate this so much.

[lynsage]

Have you considered couples' therapy so you can learn to communicate with one another on a deeper, clearer level that works for both of you? 

[Galatea]

You could be mismatched, or you could need to work on your connection, but I think both of those start with learning how to communicate with each other instead of assuming you know what they are thinking.

[bluebackpacks]

Originally Posted by lynsage 

Have you considered couples' therapy so you can learn to communicate with one another on a deeper, clearer level that works for both of you? 

  Our marriage has had its ups and downs.  As soon as we sense that we've lost 'that connection', we immediately go into fix-it mode.  If we can't get things back on track in a few weeks, we head to couple's counseling.  It has been such a neat experience to learn how my spouse processes thoughts and emotions.  Some things that have caused bumps for us: chronic illness, work stuff, depression, in-law stuff, moving, friends-with-issues, and financial stress.  For us, our marriage comes before EVERYTHING else.  It's our little garden that has to be tended with loving care!  

Do you want your marriage to work, or do you feel somewhat apathetic?  Either way, a professional can help both of you sort out your feelings.

[thefragile7393]

Communication is a big big big issue in many marriages....and BOTH have to work on it.  I also understand about not having a good healthy relationship modeled for me and assuming what's normal and what isn't.  I think therapy would be really really beneficial for BOTH of you but men...seem to have a harder time with it.  I understand completely about him not sticking up for you....I've had that in my life before.  It was a lack of respect and empathy on his end...

[VisionaryMom]

Your examples strike me as some of both (wrt your thread title). I think that he was probably embarrassed to say that blood makes him faint, and so he just kept it to himself. I don't know that people who feel that way can "un-feel" it, though, so I think there's probably not a lot that he could have done there even if he'd told you.

It's not his job to defend you against your mother unless you're in a compromised state - sick or already emotionally fragile.

As for his brothers, yes he should have defended you then. 

The raise issue depends on his job, how stable it is, etc. I know lots of people are afraid that asking for a raise will mean they could get fired or that they'll be seen as a troublemaker. Without knowing his job dynamic, it's hard to say, though maybe if you coached him on what to say that would help. Maybe he just doesn't know how to ask.

In general, though, I get what you're saying. I'm far more assertive than my husband, and sometimes I feel like I'm jumping up and down about something, and he's serenely sitting there watching me.