Not finding out baby's sex - I need inspiration.

[kawa kamuri]

My DP would very much like for us to share a surprise and reveal on birthing day. This would be my first time not knowing and our very last baby ever. I want to know so badly! I also want to respect my partner and honour this very important wish. Sort of. I'm terribly curious! 

I don't have any huge issues as far as gender specific clothing (I prefer newborn neutrals), a long-awaited son or daughter (already have some of each of those!) or naming. Well, I would dislike having to debate and compromise and go back and forth and mutually fall in love with two names rather than the one we'll actually use. I love that my older children have, in the past, chatted about the baby and used their name - we don't say "the baby" but talk as if the LO is a legitimate person with a name and identity. 

I'm the kind of person who doesn't like surprises. I want to know the end of the story first. If I'm getting a Christmas gift and have a choice I'd prefer to have it now because I dislike anticipation, waiting and wondering. I don't feel disappointed on the big day. I know some people find it thrilling to be surprised and thrive on the anticipation but I find it torturous. 

We have a few weeks to decide but I don't feel there's a choice to be made. My partner would easily concede and allow me to have my way but I know this would bring sadness and I don't want sadness. If any of you can share stories and reasons why waiting is the best thing ever as well as any wisdom on how I can get over my need to know I'd be very grateful. 

Edited by kawa kamuri - 12/7/10 at 11:07am

[dakotablue]

Well, The only thing I can offer is that my Dh was the first person in the entire world to announce DS sex and name. It was a moment I wouldn't trade for anything.

This I think was so important for Dh, he didn't get to really have anything about this pregnancy to himself (like kicking and stuff), but that honor was and is his alone forever.

I think the ultrasound tech may have known for DS, but this pregnancy the tech didn't even look around the area and had no reason/ didn't turn the monitor away at any point.

We picked four names two girl two boy and waited until the baby came to name them, but even if we had known the sex, I probably would have had two names until I could 'meet' the baby.

[spargel]

I'm at 35 weeks now. This is our first and only and we decided to go for the surprise. We both like surprises, but we've also both had times when we wish we knew. Not so we could get pink or blue, but just because we're curious!  I think one thing that really helped was coming up with a non-gender specific name for it while it's cooking (so we never have to call it an it). Ours is  "spargel". That's how it's been called since day one. We do have boy and girl names which is kind of fun.

Most people think we're really strange for not finding out. (I did have some guy in an elevator tell me last week that he thought it was "cool that we were keeping it old school". ;)  It's honestly not important to me what the sex is, and I think it's one of the most amazing surprises we could ever hope to have - seriously, there's not that much left in life to get surprised over at this point!

[Smidge]

Originally Posted by dakotablue 

Well, The only thing I can offer is that my Dh was the first person in the entire world to announce DS sex and name. It was a moment I wouldn't trade for anything.

This I think was so important for Dh, he didn't get to really have anything about this pregnancy to himself (like kicking and stuff), but that honor was and is his alone forever.

I think the ultrasound tech may have known for DS, but this pregnancy the tech didn't even look around the area and had no reason/ didn't turn the monitor away at any point.

We picked four names two girl two boy and waited until the baby came to name them, but even if we had known the sex, I probably would have had two names until I could 'meet' the baby.

It was awesome for us too.  If we have more children, they will all be surprises!

[outlier]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dakotablue 

Well, The only thing I can offer is that my Dh was the first person in the entire world to announce DS sex and name. It was a moment I wouldn't trade for anything.

This I think was so important for Dh, he didn't get to really have anything about this pregnancy to himself (like kicking and stuff), but that honor was and is his alone forever.

Well said.  We did the same thing, and I still tear up when I think of that moment in the hospital. 

I guess I would add that I liked knowing I was experiencing the exact same anticipation every one of my female ancestors went through while pregnant.  My mom was never offered an ultrasound when she was pregnant with me, and certainly my grandparents weren't offered one when they were pregnant, so I felt like I was carrying on a tradition.  I also liked that it forced me to bond with the little person bouncing around inside me without any preconceived gender stereotypes.  Was my baby moving around gently because it was a sweet little girl?  Was that kick extra hard because it's a boy?  I try my best to stay away from gender stereotypes in general, but I don't know that I could have if I found out the sex and then had 20+ weeks of contemplating what I was carrying.

[kawa kamuri]

Thank you all for sharing all the warm fuzzies of waiting 

[Blanca78]

Bumping this up and eagerly reading--we had our 20 week ultrasound today and DH now possesses a card containing our baby's sex. At my request, he has hidden it. I was hellbent on wanting to wait until birth. DH would like to know but says he is also fine with waiting. It's our first, and I feel like this is an opportunity to preserve the mystery and wonder of birth. BUT, now that I know the info is at our fingertips, it's driving me crazy! I'm dying to know!

[amaayeh]

I have found out with my previous children and are waiting this time around.  I saw a video of a friend giving birth a few years ago and she did not find out until then.  It was so awesome to watch her lift that baby up to her chest, kiss and cuddle and then realize she hadn't even looked at the sex yet!  I just loved that the bond is instant, whether you know or not.  Then she looked down, opened his legs and said "oh my gosh!!  it's a boy!" and started crying.  Her daughter started jumping up an down.  It was amazing.  I have always wanted that since.

[swell_mel]

This is #3 for us and with the first 2 I just HAD to know. I could not have handled it being a surprise! This time around I want it to be a surprise. This could very well be our last (dh is certainly leaning that way but I'm not there yet!) I don't have a good reason why I want to wait to find out other than I thought it would be fun. Before with both our dd's we knew who we were meeting when I was giving birth. This time around we'll have the whole surprise element. I like how the pp described finding out at birth- what an awesome moment!  DH is on board either way. I think the envelope idea is really cool. The tech can write it down and put it in an envelope so the option is there to find out later if later on you just can't handle not knowing. Although I can imagine having the envelope in possession would make it terribly hard to keep not knowing but it seems like a good compromise. Would your dh be ok with just you knowing?

[Blanca78]

Originally Posted by swell_mel 

This is #3 for us and with the first 2 I just HAD to know. I could not have handled it being a surprise! This time around I want it to be a surprise. This could very well be our last (dh is certainly leaning that way but I'm not there yet!) I don't have a good reason why I want to wait to find out other than I thought it would be fun. Before with both our dd's we knew who we were meeting when I was giving birth. This time around we'll have the whole surprise element. I like how the pp described finding out at birth- what an awesome moment!  DH is on board either way. I think the envelope idea is really cool. The tech can write it down and put it in an envelope so the option is there to find out later if later on you just can't handle not knowing. Although I can imagine having the envelope in possession would make it terribly hard to keep not knowing but it seems like a good compromise. Would your dh be ok with just you knowing?

If it were up to him, he'd actually want to know! So if anything, he might find out and then not tell me, but I really want to find out together. I had always said I didn't want to know, but it just blows my mind that the doctor could so casually figure it out in just a few seconds and we are in the dark....I'm not sure why I asked her to put it in an envelope, except I guess a part of me wants to know. But it's taking some WILLPOWER not to beg DH to reveal where the envelope is!

If we do find out, I think we'll make a ceremony of it, just the two of us--maybe on Valentine's Day?

[VeganCupcake]

With our DD, I was the first one to discover her sex and tell everyone. She was born at home and after a moment, I lifted the towel that was covering her and told DH we had a baby girl. It was just one more sacred moment in the whole sacred experience of birthing.

I don't think of it as a surprise; I prefer to think of it as a mystery. We are gradually building a relationship with this little person inside me, and his/her sex is only part of it.

[mylilmonkeys]

I am really glad that our techs didn't even look there when we told them we didn't want to know our twins' genders.  I think it would be offensive to me that others knew their genders when I don't want to know.  I would wonder if a slip of the tongue was a revelation or just a casual choice of he or she instead of it.  I know when I had to have an U/S with my last baby due to a uterine infection, needing an amnio to rule out infected amniotic sac, the machine in the hospital did not have the ability for both the doctor and my dh and I to see the screen.  After it was over, she said "he" and then amended, "or she" and it really left me in a funk for the last few weeks of my pregnancy.  And then we had our little girl and it was obvious it was just a slip of the tongue. :)  Pregnant women (me, anyway) are so sensitive.  

I feel like the womb is a sacred space.  I don't like it intruded upon.  I only use U/S when a good reason presents itself, like infection or twins.  I don't allow a fetal doppler in favor of a fetoscope.  And there is a special magic to birthing a new creation and discovering for yourself who he or she is in your own time.  Finding out ahead of time feels like cheating to me (we did find out with our first).

[lovingmommyhood]

I really want to wait to find out but I don't know if I have the strength. 

[Blanca78]

Originally Posted by VeganCupcake 

With our DD, I was the first one to discover her sex and tell everyone. She was born at home and after a moment, I lifted the towel that was covering her and told DH we had a baby girl. It was just one more sacred moment in the whole sacred experience of birthing.

I don't think of it as a surprise; I prefer to think of it as a mystery. We are gradually building a relationship with this little person inside me, and his/her sex is only part of it.

Originally Posted by mylilmonkeys 

I am really glad that our techs didn't even look there when we told them we didn't want to know our twins' genders.  I think it would be offensive to me that others knew their genders when I don't want to know.  I would wonder if a slip of the tongue was a revelation or just a casual choice of he or she instead of it.  I know when I had to have an U/S with my last baby due to a uterine infection, needing an amnio to rule out infected amniotic sac, the machine in the hospital did not have the ability for both the doctor and my dh and I to see the screen.  After it was over, she said "he" and then amended, "or she" and it really left me in a funk for the last few weeks of my pregnancy.  And then we had our little girl and it was obvious it was just a slip of the tongue. :)  Pregnant women (me, anyway) are so sensitive.  

I feel like the womb is a sacred space.  I don't like it intruded upon.  I only use U/S when a good reason presents itself, like infection or twins.  I don't allow a fetal doppler in favor of a fetoscope.  And there is a special magic to birthing a new creation and discovering for yourself who he or she is in your own time.  Finding out ahead of time feels like cheating to me (we did find out with our first).

Both of these are really beautifully put, and good articulations of why I largely do want to wait. Mystery is the perfect word. I feel like today there are so few mysteries about birth. I have had several ultrasounds due to a prior loss and medical issue that could potentially have put me at high risk. And I have to admit I love seeing my baby moving around in there. But apart from that, it has been so special letting this baby reveal itself to me on a day-to-day basis. I am just starting to feel more definite movements and a big reason I didn't want to find out yesterday is that it feels premature. I am JUST starting to get to know this baby a little, and sense it as a being inside me. It feels too early to know everything about it. And especially because I started out with a fairly strong preference for a girl, it seems important to me to know it as a being first, and then a boy/girl/whatever it may be.

Thanks, you are renewing my determination to wait! Still don't know if we'll make it all the way, but at least this way we can decide when we're ready to know, and make a special moment of it.

[the janet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blanca78 

Both of these are really beautifully put, and good articulations of why I largely do want to wait. Mystery is the perfect word. I feel like today there are so few mysteries about birth. I have had several ultrasounds due to a prior loss and medical issue that could potentially have put me at high risk. And I have to admit I love seeing my baby moving around in there. But apart from that, it has been so special letting this baby reveal itself to me on a day-to-day basis.

Exactly. We know so much about the baby these days thanx to ultrasounds. Not that the 3D pix are crystal clear images but they do give us a pretty good idea of what the kid looks like...and that's really enough for us. We're expecting around Xmas so we thought it would be great to have a Xmas surprise. We don't even have the name(s) picked out yet and maybe that's b/c subconsciously we need to wait to meet this new person to learn who s/he is.

Edited by the janet - 12/11/10 at 2:25pm

[donutmolly]

To the OP, my Dh is totally like you -- hates surprises and anticipation -- but he loves not knowing who our baby will be until he/she is right there in our arms.  We have never known the sex of our kiddo (I'm expecting our 4th) and it has been the most wonderful thing imaginable.  With our 1st, Dh asked the MW a moment after the baby came out, "is it a boy or a girl?" and she honestly could say, "I don't know, why don't you look?!"  I loved that moment with the birth thrill so high, and us both looking to see.  It has been similar with each, and although they are ALL girls, it has truly been the most wonderful surprise with each one.  I have loved the process of picking out two names, and imaging each fitting a son or a daughter (yes, we've had a different boy's name picked out each time...). 

[iamsamz]

My husband and I are waiting too. I am 11 weeks pregnant.  This is our first, and we both really like the idea of a surprise.  We do have a boy name and girl name picked out already, so when we refer to the baby we call it by both names.  Maybe our curiosity will increase more when we get to the point that the sex can be seen in an ultrasound... but as of now we are both happy to wait.

[kawa kamuri]

You ladies have given me a lot to think about. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing these precious parts of your lives with me. 

[Megan Pie]

Admittedly, I'm not pregnant yet, but I'm firmly committed to not finding out my [future] baby's gender.  My husband is a little disappointed because he doesn't see the sense in the mystery. (He is also, by the way, terrible at surprises.) He says it won't change anything to know, he just wants to know.  But it will change things.  We've already picked our names and I know my husband (and I know myself) and if we knew whether we were having a boy or girl we would proceed to assign not only a name to the child, but an entire personality, and even expectations. 

I want my baby born with a clean slate.