Past Infidelity

[lulu123]

Hello, I have a friend that is suffering from severe post partum depression.  She says since having her baby a few months ago, she continues to experience shame and guilt over a one night stand she had a few years ago while married but separated from her husband and also some unfaithfulness prior to the marriage (both parties). She feels very bad about these past mistakes but the marriage seems ok now and they have a baby. Should she confess to her husband whom has been known to have a violent and abusive temper in the past or try to forget it and move on? 

[omamasmama]

My first thought was around what's her intention in 'confessing'? Is it to get something out and hopefully lighten some of the guilt or is it more about setting a clear and honest tone for their relationship and child to witness? Is it in hopes that is will make the depression go away?  maybe try therapy as a way to process the feelings she's having before taking the route of 'confessing'. I'm not saying something like that should be swept under the rug, but I'd just look a little deeper at the reason behind wanting to confront it now. When I hear severe postpartum depression and a partner who has a history of being abusive in the same paragraph, I would totally recommend building and finding a support system asap. Is there an option for a therapist? I would explore the depression and see if I could get some help there first and get grounded and strong before bringing something pretty big up like that in a relationship. 

I'm not sure if that helps, but its just my first thoughts on it.

[lulu123]

omamasmama,

The reasons for wanting to confess are all of the above.  The thing about the husbad is he has gotten way too violent in the past to even go there.  Not beating her, but things like smashing things, pushing, driving the car fast, yelling.  Hes not violent or abusive currently but surely if she told him about the past, he may be.

She wants to go to a therapists but worries they may call social services and take baby away.    Is that a possibility?

[omamasmama]

I don't know enough about the details of the situation or the laws where this mama lives to say yes they will or won't do anything with the baby. My understanding with therapists is that they can only legally inform someone if the client (in this case the mother) is a threat to herself or someone else. Again, I'm no expert on this. I really think finding someone to help is key here. Even calling therapists anonymously to get a feel for them would be a start. I'm hoping some other mamas offer some advice here too.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by lulu123 

omamasmama,

The reasons for wanting to confess are all of the above.  The thing about the husbad is he has gotten way too violent in the past to even go there.  Not beating her, but things like smashing things, pushing, driving the car fast, yelling.  Hes not violent or abusive currently but surely if she told him about the past, he may be.

She wants to go to a therapists but worries they may call social services and take baby away.    Is that a possibility?

That is abuse, though.  Why would social services take the baby away?  Because the situation at home is volatile?  

I agree to call a therapist anonymously first if that makes her feel a little more secure.  Whatever she needs to do, OK?  To get her life back.