Tired of comparisons. I like my son the way he is. - Page 2

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by dalia 

. The childhood years are sacred and should be respected IMO.

I wouldn't keep him from other children his age as this may send a message that you actually are afraid something is wrong. Take him everywhere with your head held high! Besides, it seems that the timeline for cchildren's milestones has more to do with personality than with smarts. They are like flowers and bloom when they are good and ready!

So beautifully put.

[physmom]

Alright, I hope you don't read this before I have a chance to edit this since I can apparently only write posts after submitting them and then editing them!!!

What she said.  When I gave my example of early potty training I guess I didn't mention one of my ideas behind it.  I tend to believe there are certain periods that are sensitive periods for various milestones.  So for whatever reason showing DD the potty at a young age happened to be a sensitive period and she was able to pick it up quickly.  I have a feeling (knowning how stubborn DD can be!) that if I would've waited longer it would've been a real struggle to potty train her and she would probably be a late potty trainer.  So I agree, it's part personality, but it's part exposure.  If a kid never, ever hears the ABC song there's no chance the kid will learn it. Sure, after a certain point you can sing the song to the kid and he/she will pick it up immediately but that just means that they were ready for it at that point (because obviously, singing it to a 1 month old might calm them down but it doesn't mean they'll sign it with you!). 

And like crunchy_mommy.  I also have a kid that is a poor sleeper, can be really clingy etc but is verbal.  It can make you pretty self-conscious when your almost 2 year is screaming for nursing on an airplane but I've learned that you really just have to go with the flow. 

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

First of all, I honestly don't think it has much to do with priorities or exposure, and to be honest, I hate those words, because they seem to imply that it's something I'm doing. I think often times people take credit for behavior that has not been taught, but is simply born, or part of their child's personality.

I hope we didn't offend you, I don't think anyone was trying to say you were doing something wrong!! I, at least, was referring to priorities/exposure in terms of things like reciting ABC's etc.

There are a million different parenting styles and a million different personality types in children, the various combinations of these can result in so many differences in terms of 'milestones'....

I do sometimes feel self-conscious about things DS is behind in -- things like sleeping through the night (I rejoice when he sleeps 2-3 hours straight) or nursing frequency (he's getting better but still nurses more than a newborn most days!!) It's kind of weird having a 22mo that clings to me ALL. DAY. LONG. and has a huge vocabulary but won't say a single word to people outside our family. Most of our friends' kids are much more... hmm I guess 'emotionally mature' than my DS. I try not to compare but I am constantly second-guessing myself & thinking maybe there IS something wrong with him, sensory issues or emotional/social delays or something, and then I realize he's fine, and then something will happen to make me think he's not. I don't know if I'm making sense... I guess I'm just saying I do understand where you're coming from even though I'm coming from a slightly different angle.

[alittlesandy]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

First of all, I honestly don't think it has much to do with priorities or exposure, and to be honest, I hate those words, because they seem to imply that it's something I'm doing. I think often times people take credit for behavior that has not been taught, but is simply born, or part of their child's personality.

I hope we didn't offend you, I don't think anyone was trying to say you were doing something wrong!! I, at least, was referring to priorities/exposure in terms of things like reciting ABC's etc.

There are a million different parenting styles and a million different personality types in children, the various combinations of these can result in so many differences in terms of 'milestones'....

I do sometimes feel self-conscious about things DS is behind in -- things like sleeping through the night (I rejoice when he sleeps 2-3 hours straight) or nursing frequency (he's getting better but still nurses more than a newborn most days!!) It's kind of weird having a 22mo that clings to me ALL. DAY. LONG. and has a huge vocabulary but won't say a single word to people outside our family. Most of our friends' kids are much more... hmm I guess 'emotionally mature' than my DS. I try not to compare but I am constantly second-guessing myself & thinking maybe there IS something wrong with him, sensory issues or emotional/social delays or something, and then I realize he's fine, and then something will happen to make me think he's not. I don't know if I'm making sense... I guess I'm just saying I do understand where you're coming from even though I'm coming from a slightly different angle.

Oh, that was sweet of you. No, nobody offended me, I promise.

I guess I'm just trying to call attention to the language we use, and how it may make others feel. See, once again, I don't think it has anything to do with parenting style. I just don't. I know too many kids from the same household who are very different. I can also see certain traits in babies within days of their birth. By saying, "Oh, we have different parenting styles" or "We have different priorities," somehow implies that certain parenting styles will result in certain desired outcomes. That adds to the mother guilt.

As I said in my original post, I wasn't looking for either advice or reassurance that I'm doing anything wrong. I know I'm not doing anything wrong. What I was looking for were similar stories (which many of you posted, and which I love) from people saying, "Yes, that bugs me too."

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

I guess I'm just trying to call attention to the language we use, and how it may make others feel. See, once again, I don't think it has anything to do with parenting style. I just don't. I know too many kids from the same household who are very different. I can also see certain traits in babies within days of their birth. By saying, "Oh, we have different parenting styles" or "We have different priorities," somehow implies that certain parenting styles will result in certain desired outcomes. That adds to the mother guilt.

Well I think it does have a little to do with parenting style. True, you can spend all day every day teaching kids the ABCs etc. and some just won't pick up on it 'til they're ready. But if you never even introduce it to them in the first place (never say/sing the alphabet) then it would be much more likely that they would pick it up on the late side, & if you drill them with it hourly, they probably will pick it up sooner. My DS seems ready to potty-train but for me it is not a priority & we have a lot of other stresses in our life so I am holding him back & limiting potty time rather than encouraging it at this point (and I'm sure that may be controversial so I'm admitting to it reluctantly lol!) That's what most of us mean by exposure & parenting styles -- not that they are the deciding factor in reaching milestones, just that they CAN have an effect & if you're comparing to people with different priorities then it's just not a valid comparison (and neither is comparing kids with opposite personalities... or most other comparisons, I guess). I totally get what you're saying about the language though. It's just like when someone says, "I do AP so my baby doesn't cry." That's heartbreaking to hear for me as a mom of a very high-needs DS. I spent the first year++ of his life feeling like the worst mother in the world because even though I was doing everything 'right' he was still so miserable all the time. It's especially easy for first-time moms I think to make the mistake of assuming their child's behavior/abilities/etc. have everything to do with their parenting skills. Of course each baby is different & many traits are just ingrained in their personality. But other things are taught & learned & molded & if we give up the fact that we do have SOME influence in our children's lives then I think we'd be raising some crazy kids lol. What would be the point of AP or discipline or any other parenting tool if it had absolutely no effect at all?? Do you know what I mean? It's a really hard balance to strike to say we have some influence without inducing mom-guilt... and I know that's why I often feel I did something wrong, there is something wrong with me as a mom because my kid isn't as happy & social & calm as the other kids we see. I sometimes feel like one of the reasons I want a second child sooner rather than later is because I need to prove to myself that it's NOT something I did wrong, that I CAN raise an easy-going kid.... I'm trying hard not to get caught up in that kind of thinking...

[Peony]

My 19m old is behind, and I love him just the way he is. Children are who they are, I do have multiple children so I have experience to say it is nothing I am doing. It is just him. I rarely get comments on DS because he does try to engage with people despite having no verbal skills either and some mobility issues. Speech wise he is at the level of a 12m old and his motor skills are that of a 15m old. It isn't uncommon though for people to assume he is much younger then he is. Apparently my children just take longer to mature then others, all have been lagging in some areas, DS is far below where the girls were and they where not advanced by any means! DD1 is dyslexic, her reading is years below where she should be at, but excels physically. She struggles with a book but will out snowboard many an adult. All children have strong and weak areas just like adults do. I ignore all comparing, it is just easier that way. 

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by alittlesandy I don’t really need to be reassured that my son is “normal.” My motherly instinct says this is so and my pediatrician agrees. Also, I should point out that nobody is making comparisons except me, but it makes me feel self-conscious, because I imagine that people are thinking it even if they don’t say it.

I guess I’m hoping to hear stories from people who are going through the same thing.

And your motherly instinct is right on. I didn't even read the replies. I got so mad that people would think there is something wrong with your son, I just had to reply-- and I'm not trying to reassure anybody. Your son IS normal. Not a dang thing wrong with him.

My son is turning 10yo in January. He could do NONE of those things at your son's age. He talked between 2y3m and 2y5m. He walked at 14 months. He drank from a sippy cup until he was years and years old, only because I didn't want to clean liquid up all over the house, and I didn't feel like restricting drinks to the kitchen. He potty-learned for pee near 3yo, and poo before he was 4, but I don't remember exactly when. Night-pottying was somewhere between 3 and 4yo. We co-slept until he was about 7yo, and he didn't even have his own room till he was 4 or 5.

Now he's nearly 10 and he's an accelerated reader, has the vocabulary of a college student, is very, very bright and astute. He has been writing in cursive since age 7, he has his multiplication tables memorized, he can add and subtract with numbers up to 4 or 5 place settings and is learning to multiply and divide the same sized numbers. He's an amazing poet.

He pees and poops all by himself and has for quite some time He talks-- oh, how he talks-- he never shuts up! He walks just fine, and runs, too. He drinks from open cups though even at this age I will still sometimes insist on the sippys in his bedroom, which he has no problem with. He didn't sleep through the night until he was over three-- did you know that the medical (maybe not medical-- maybe it's just professional or something) definition for "sleeping through the night" is only 5 lousy hours in a row? Now he sleeps like 12 hours if I don't wake him up. He had his last ceremonial nursing on his 9th birthday.

Oh-- when he was little, I was the only mom in every playgroup that had to shadow my son. We finally stopped going to playgroups or playgrounds that weren't fenced. He'd run full-tilt into busy roads, on purpose, and laugh his little patootie off on the way, and I couldn't catch him. I didn't like gates either, but that was my choice and I stopped going to people's houses that refused to put things up or allow me to. People ended up visiting me at my house, where I didn't have to dog my son every second, and I could actually visit with people (including my mom), or I didn't see them. Again, my choice, but back then it seemed like there were only two camps: the "no" camp that had hand-slapping along with it, or the ''yes" camp where the kid kind of ran free, while contained. I don't know if there's a middle ground nowadays.

Anyway. Boy did your post bring up memories, sorry for ranting! You're fine. Probably you just need to find  your not-give-a-shit bone and let stuff roll off of your shoulders You're fine. Your kid is fine. It's all good and it will all work out just awesome. You're doing a fine job!

[physmom]

Yep, I'd agree to that too.  Honestly, I don't think DH and I will EVER produce an easy baby so we've decided to go for a larger spacing between kids.  That being said we've found that making our home friendly to DD so she can reach her snacks etc on her level has made her a significantly easiER child.  So I'm pretty squarely in the you can't change personality section but you can make changes in your parenting that help/make things easier on your self or your kids.  Somethings you just have to deal with (like DD's absolute hatred of carseats) but others are more flexible.  Clear as mud, right! ;)

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

I guess I'm just trying to call attention to the language we use, and how it may make others feel. See, once again, I don't think it has anything to do with parenting style. I just don't. I know too many kids from the same household who are very different. I can also see certain traits in babies within days of their birth. By saying, "Oh, we have different parenting styles" or "We have different priorities," somehow implies that certain parenting styles will result in certain desired outcomes. That adds to the mother guilt.

Well I think it does have a little to do with parenting style. True, you can spend all day every day teaching kids the ABCs etc. and some just won't pick up on it 'til they're ready. But if you never even introduce it to them in the first place (never say/sing the alphabet) then it would be much more likely that they would pick it up on the late side, & if you drill them with it hourly, they probably will pick it up sooner. My DS seems ready to potty-train but for me it is not a priority & we have a lot of other stresses in our life so I am holding him back & limiting potty time rather than encouraging it at this point (and I'm sure that may be controversial so I'm admitting to it reluctantly lol!) That's what most of us mean by exposure & parenting styles -- not that they are the deciding factor in reaching milestones, just that they CAN have an effect & if you're comparing to people with different priorities then it's just not a valid comparison (and neither is comparing kids with opposite personalities... or most other comparisons, I guess). I totally get what you're saying about the language though. It's just like when someone says, "I do AP so my baby doesn't cry." That's heartbreaking to hear for me as a mom of a very high-needs DS. I spent the first year++ of his life feeling like the worst mother in the world because even though I was doing everything 'right' he was still so miserable all the time. It's especially easy for first-time moms I think to make the mistake of assuming their child's behavior/abilities/etc. have everything to do with their parenting skills. Of course each baby is different & many traits are just ingrained in their personality. But other things are taught & learned & molded & if we give up the fact that we do have SOME influence in our children's lives then I think we'd be raising some crazy kids lol. What would be the point of AP or discipline or any other parenting tool if it had absolutely no effect at all?? Do you know what I mean? It's a really hard balance to strike to say we have some influence without inducing mom-guilt... and I know that's why I often feel I did something wrong, there is something wrong with me as a mom because my kid isn't as happy & social & calm as the other kids we see. I sometimes feel like one of the reasons I want a second child sooner rather than later is because I need to prove to myself that it's NOT something I did wrong, that I CAN raise an easy-going kid.... I'm trying hard not to get caught up in that kind of thinking...

[alittlesandy]

Originally Posted by Maiasaura 

Oh-- when he was little, I was the only mom in every playgroup that had to shadow my son. We finally stopped going to playgroups or playgrounds that weren't fenced. He'd run full-tilt into busy roads, on purpose, and laugh his little patootie off on the way, and I couldn't catch him. I didn't like gates either, but that was my choice and I stopped going to people's houses that refused to put things up or allow me to. People ended up visiting me at my house, where I didn't have to dog my son every second, and I could actually visit with people (including my mom), or I didn't see them.

I can't tell you how happy it made me to hear this. I know exactly what you mean by "shadowing." It stresses me out to take my son to the playground or library (although I continue to do it). He runs right up to other kids and hugs them, tries to play with them (doesn't know how to hang back), dives right in. He runs full tilt into life, so to speak. This would be fine except for the silent stares from the parents on the sidelines, and kids who say, "Can you keep your baby away from me?" When we are out in public I am constantly pulling him off of people and apologizing. I am getting very close to being one of those people who lets people come to our house if they want to see us.

We are trying to have another one, and I always joke with my DH, "What if our DS is the good one, lol." (This is a joke, by the way, I don't think my son is bad." )

Edited by alittlesandy - 12/11/10 at 5:06pm

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

Originally Posted by Maiasaura 

Oh-- when he was little, I was the only mom in every playgroup that had to shadow my son. We finally stopped going to playgroups or playgrounds that weren't fenced. He'd run full-tilt into busy roads, on purpose, and laugh his little patootie off on the way, and I couldn't catch him. I didn't like gates either, but that was my choice and I stopped going to people's houses that refused to put things up or allow me to. People ended up visiting me at my house, where I didn't have to dog my son every second, and I could actually visit with people (including my mom), or I didn't see them.

I can't tell you how happy it made me to hear this. I know exactly what you mean by "shadowing." It stresses me out to take my son to the playground or library (although I continue to do it). He runs right up to other kids and hugs them, tries to play with them (doesn't know how to hang back), dives right in. He runs full tilt into life, so to speak. This would be fine except for the silent stares from the parents on the sidelines, and kids who say, "Can you keep your baby away from me?" When we are out in public I am constantly pulling him off of people and apologizing. I am getting very close to being one of those people who lets people come to our house if they want to see us.

We are trying to have another one, and I always joke with my DH, "What is this is the good one, lol." (This is a joke, by the way, I don't think my son is bad." )

sounds like you have a spirited toddler who's always going to do things in his own time. DD can be the same way, yesterday she kept trying to run down the hall at La Leche League. she was the only one out of the 6 or 7 toddlers there who even seemed to notice there was a door. my parents keep telling me "now you know what you put us through". 

[Bebe's Mom]

I know exactly how the OP feels, I stopped reading those "milestone emails" that I used to get. DD was never on track with those things...She walked at 11 months, but she has just now started learning words at 15 months. I feel like she was using all her energy on learning to walk and now that she has that down, she is focusing on words. Especially since she is learning so many words so quickly. Just in the past week or two she has gone from using one or two words to using six or seven. And she is also signing, even though I haven't really taught her much...As far as the "so big" game goes, I think it is great because DD learned the sign for "big" in this way. Plus it shows that she is understanding what I am saying to her.(Not to mention how much she loves it, and she gets a huge smile on her face when she does it, which is so cute, but I digress.)

A couple of weeks ago I went to an LLL potluck and one of the children there was almost exactly DD's age and she had so many words! (Including Mama, which DD has yet to say.)I felt very inadequate ( and a bit jealous) as a parent because at that time, the extent of DD's spoken vocabulary was "Hi"...The other little girl was saying hot, mama, please (!) and quite a few other words I can't remember at this time. As of today, DD says dada, kitty cat, doggie, hi, uh oh, cookie, and I think she is working on thank you...These words were in there all the time, but now she can actually get them out. It's like when I was trying to teach her to clap her hands and play peek a boo. One day she just did it out of the blue with no prompting from me. Now she claps her hands whenever she hears applause on the tv or the radio.

Whenever I start talking to my MIL about my worries re developmental progress, she always says "in five years you won't even remember when she started saying cat" Well, I probably will, but I get her point, which is that in the long run it doesn't really matter if she says it at ten months or twenty, the fact is she will eventually say it, and stop worrying already, lol.

I agree with other posters that some parents exaggerate or outright make up stuff about their kids..When DD started walking I had people coming up to me telling me that their daughter/son/grandson/nephew etc walked at 7/8/9/10 months... I am not saying that a child couldn't walk early, but 7 months?? I have yet to see that, and that is the only way I will believe it.

As far as drinking from a cup goes, DD does drink well from a cup because I started her off very early, like seven months-using a shot glass. But she cannot hold it on her own because she will dump it, and she still takes a sip sometimes and lets it all dribble out of her mouth. So don't feel bad. I started out anti-sippy, but now DD has one and uses it for meals mostly, but I also give her water between meals. She also loves to suck on her spray bottle.

I wouldn't shun your friends unless they are purposely trying to one up you, and it doesn't sound to me like they are-just being doting parents, IMO. DD gets so much out of playing with other kids her age and older, it really speeds up her development a lot. I know it can be hard seeing other people's kids doing more than yours, but if your DC is around them, he will pick up stuff a lot faster. Also keep in mind that as a parent, you may not see your child developing quickly because you see him every day..Other people may notice things you do not and point them out to you. In fact, I stated reading Baby Signs yesterday, and it made me realize how much DD actually has been communicating non-verbally, I just didn't realize it consciously.

You sound like a great parent who is very involved and very caring, and your son is normal, so just enjoy him and this time, because it will go soo fast!! I saw this bumper sticker once and it still cracks me up-"we spend the first two years teaching them to stand up and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up"

[tzs]

The same goes for language. I am a teacher and both my husband and I very verbal. I read to my son all day and night. He loves to sit and look at books. I sing him the alphabet song every time I change his diapers. I try to work with him and coach him. He refuses to talk! One of my favorite things to do is say to him, "Oscar, say Mama," to which he shakes his head and says, "Uh-uh."

i think this is a really good example of how people's perceptions of milestones can be so.....what's the right word....."goal-oriented?" 

because to me this story illustrates not that your kiddo doesn't talk but that he DOES have language skills. it shouldn't be about how many "words" they have or what they are but look...he obviously understands you and is able to communicate. (and that he seems to have a great sense of humor!!!!) to me that's language!

[physmom]

I almost had that exact same experience! Down even to it being at a LLL meeting.  I was so excited to go but when we went (it was a toddler one specifically) the house wasn't remotely baby proofed so I spent the entire meeting trying to get DD away from a guitar laying on the floor, pulling all the books off of the shelves, and keep her from running around the entire house wild! I never even bothered going back after that because I was just too tired. :(
 

Originally Posted by Marissamom 

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

Originally Posted by Maiasaura 

Oh-- when he was little, I was the only mom in every playgroup that had to shadow my son. We finally stopped going to playgroups or playgrounds that weren't fenced. He'd run full-tilt into busy roads, on purpose, and laugh his little patootie off on the way, and I couldn't catch him. I didn't like gates either, but that was my choice and I stopped going to people's houses that refused to put things up or allow me to. People ended up visiting me at my house, where I didn't have to dog my son every second, and I could actually visit with people (including my mom), or I didn't see them.

I can't tell you how happy it made me to hear this. I know exactly what you mean by "shadowing." It stresses me out to take my son to the playground or library (although I continue to do it). He runs right up to other kids and hugs them, tries to play with them (doesn't know how to hang back), dives right in. He runs full tilt into life, so to speak. This would be fine except for the silent stares from the parents on the sidelines, and kids who say, "Can you keep your baby away from me?" When we are out in public I am constantly pulling him off of people and apologizing. I am getting very close to being one of those people who lets people come to our house if they want to see us.

We are trying to have another one, and I always joke with my DH, "What is this is the good one, lol." (This is a joke, by the way, I don't think my son is bad." )

sounds like you have a spirited toddler who's always going to do things in his own time. DD can be the same way, yesterday she kept trying to run down the hall at La Leche League. she was the only one out of the 6 or 7 toddlers there who even seemed to notice there was a door. my parents keep telling me "now you know what you put us through". 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Bebe's Mom 

I agree with other posters that some parents exaggerate or outright make up stuff about their kids..When DD started walking I had people coming up to me telling me that their daughter/son/grandson/nephew etc walked at 7/8/9/10 months... I am not saying that a child couldn't walk early, but 7 months?? I have yet to see that, and that is the only way I will believe it.

DS 'started walking' at 7mos actually. But I didn't really consider it walking even though he could take 6-7 steps at a time, because he never used it as a mode of transportation. In fact he mostly just stood/sat in one place & screamed until I picked him up until he was older. So I never know what to say when someone asks when he started walking (which for some reason people always ask?!?!?) because yeah, he took his first steps at 7mos, but I don't really know when he started walking all the time instead of crying to be picked up (which he actually still does now at 22mos, just a lot less often).
 

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

We are trying to have another one, and I always joke with my DH, "What if our DS is the good one, lol." (This is a joke, by the way, I don't think my son is bad." )

OK that is seriously my biggest fear lol

Originally Posted by Marissamom 

sounds like you have a spirited toddler who's always going to do things in his own time. DD can be the same way, yesterday she kept trying to run down the hall at La Leche League. she was the only one out of the 6 or 7 toddlers there who even seemed to notice there was a door. my parents keep telling me "now you know what you put us through". 

Our LLL is held in a local baby store & at yesterday's meeting DS locked himself in the employee lounge!!! He brought along a toy from the store and was just sitting in there playing while I'm walking up & down this short hall with only 2 doors trying to figure out where he could have disappeared to. (The only other toddler that ever comes to the meetings is the world's most laid-back kiddo I think... he never leaves the room & definitely never would lock himself in anywhere!)

[DevaMajka]

Your ds sounds like my ds at that age- his language comprehension was great, but he was barely talking (he had 3 words at 21 mos). He nursed a LOT at might- very clearly still needed night time parenting. He started pt'ing at age 3, even though I had tried EC when he was young, and occasionally exposed him to pl'ing after 2yo.
I didn't have any friends with kids the same age, so I didn't hear a lot of comparisons, but it used to drive me crazy when people would give me "tips" to get him to talk. He was fine. He communicated with me, and I knew he'd talk when he was good and ready. And he did, and he "caught up" really fast.

With ds2, I know a lot more people with kids the same age, and it's hard not to compare. Especially when ds2 is so wild and into everything. Other babies seem so easy in comparison! So yeah, I understand the urge to compare. It's a lot of work to not. It might help that I'm pretty confident and fairly stubborn though. lol

[journeymom]

What I was looking for were similar stories (which many of you posted, and which I love) from people saying, "Yes, that bugs me too."

Yes, it bugs me too.  :-)  

 

Potty training:  what I object to is the judgment and the implication that it's, like, almost a moral issue.  Before disposable diapers, before efficient washing machines, a lot of mamas got their babies out of diapers and into underpants as soon as possible.  Poof, they were potty trained. Did they have any fewer accidents than children today?  I doubt it. 

 

My son is 11 years old.  He babbled early on, but he did not start talking as soon as his big sister did. And when he did he was very difficult to understand.  Frankly he still has a hard time getting the words out of his mouth, still bogs down mid-sentence, even mid-word. 

But he's got an impressive vocabulary (according to his teachers) and got an A in the public speaking unit.  His teacher said he was exceptionally well-spoken and used sophisticated language.

 

Nature versus nurture:  I constantly marvel at how powerful biology seems to show through in my kids' personalities.  You're right, there's a lot we don't affect.   Your comparison between your friend's child who sat quietly on the floor versus your child who was off and running is right on.

 

But the way you raise your children truly has an equal affect on your child.  Don't under estimate it.  That's not meant to make you feel bad or overwhelmed with the responsibility of the job.  It's not a warning, it's just what I've observed. 

[belltree]

Physmom,

The book is written in German, but here you go:

Babyjahre by Remo Largo (from womb to age 4) :

http://www.amazon.com/Babyjahre-fr%C3%BChkindliche-Entwicklung-biologischer-Sicht/dp/3492233198

Kinderjahre by Remo Largo (from age 4 through childhood):

http://www.amazon.com/Kinderjahre-Remo-H-Largo/dp/3492232183/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2

There also is one for school age kids, which I haven't read.
 

Originally Posted by physmom 

Oh, and belltree, can you send me the name of that book? I'd love to read it!  I'd definitely believe that about elementary school which is just another reason I hate the way schools are currently set up but that's a rant for another day. ;)

Originally Posted by belltree 

I have this great book by a Swiss Pediatritian (Largo), it is only available in German. But I love it. He did two longitudinal studies of a large cohort of Swiss children, recording their development in every area (mobility, language, communication, bonding, play etc) from birth to 4 years. The book always shows the whole range and did not only focuse on the first 30%. He also discusses, that sometimes it is necassary to help children along, and that children that get delayed because of illness, abuse etc usually can catch up. 

He also points out that once children hit school age, the range of what's normal in a class of 6year olds is enourmous. Some kids in some areas will be 2years advanced and others will be 2 years behind. With age the range of what's expected at one age just increases. And rarely are kids ahead in all areas, nor are they behind in all areas. Plus it varies over time. Kids don't learn linearly, they learn in phases and spurts. 

Bebe's Mom,

I honestly feel a bit offended by your reaction... My child did walk at 7  months 10 days, he wasn't very stable, but he could cross the apartment (we counted 83 steps) by himself, and two weeks later he walked to the playground (1/4 mile). Reactions are always the same: either people don't believe it, like you, because it is "impossible" or they tell us, how wonderful he is, and that he'll run marathons soon, or they want to know how we trained him... My child skipped crawling, he had no interest in it, bu the had strong legs from day one. It is just who he is.

Originally Posted by Bebe's Mom 

   I am not saying that a child couldn't walk early, but 7 months?? I have yet to see that, and that is the only way I will believe it.

The day my child walked,  was also the day I stopped reading those milestone letters, because a baby has to follow the usual progression of milestones....

[Bebe's Mom]

Belltree, I am happy for you that your son walked so early. I didn't say it was impossible or that anyone who said it was a liar, and I wasn't trying to offend anyone. I was trying to say that people exaggerate all the time. So relax. It wasn't directed specifically at you. It was just an example of how people talk. I think you are a bit oversensitive on this point, because yes, it is very rare that a child walks that early, and I am sure you get a lot of eyerolling and "yeah, right, sure". So be it. But don't get mad at me for stating my opinion. All children develop at different rates, I get it. I can't believe out my whole post, you picked that one sentence and decided to get mad...
 

Edited by Bebe's Mom - 12/15/10 at 12:26pm

[Peony]

Our genes are not capable of producing "normal" children either, I say normal because I did have one easy baby. My 3rd, but only we discovered he was easy because he was delayed by a good 6 months.  Let's just say that he has not been an easy toddler. And the one poster that joked about maybe this kid was the good one, I so get that as well. I used to say that after DD1, I could handle anything, and then I got DD2. A medically fragile child who was O2 dependent until 7 months of age, and was in and out of hospitals, at 4 years of age, we JUST finally got her health issues under control. Then DS was to be my "normal" child, only like I said before that didn't happen. I guess though that for once, for the first 12 months, I got to experience what most people experience with babies, that part was nice. While having 3 different children with different SNs has been taxing, I also can't begin to describe what they have taught me over the years. 
 

Originally Posted by physmom 

Yep, I'd agree to that too.  Honestly, I don't think DH and I will EVER produce an easy baby so we've decided to go for a larger spacing between kids.  That being said we've found that making our home friendly to DD so she can reach her snacks etc on her level has made her a significantly easiER child.  So I'm pretty squarely in the you can't change personality section but you can make changes in your parenting that help/make things easier on your self or your kids.  Somethings you just have to deal with (like DD's absolute hatred of carseats) but others are more flexible.  Clear as mud, right! ;)

[pregnant@40]

All I want to say is, "you go, girl!" Your child IS beautiful and perfect and a gift just the way he is. A lot of the comparison stress you were feeling was in your own head, so it's great that you have decided to purge it. Let's let our kids grow up in thier own way, without judgement. Our kids are human beings temporarily placed in our care, not our possessions, resumes, or personal accomplishments. Our only job is to love them & take care of their needs.

[pregnant@40]

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

...and to be honest, it never occurred to me to start potty training this early. I always thought that happened around three or so, but now it seems that everyone thinks it should happen by the age of two. Is this just a reversal of trend? Or am I hanging out with the wrong people?

I don’t really need to be reassured that my son is “normal.” My motherly instinct says this is so and my pediatrician agrees. Also, I should point out that nobody is making comparisons except me, but it makes me feel self-conscious, because I imagine that people are thinking it even if they don’t say it.

About this part, kids learn to poop in the potty on their own schedule. If people are pressuring you here, you are definitely hanging out w/ the wrong crowd. I'm sure you see how ludicrous this all is.