anyone say no to visitors at the hospital/at home? - Page 2

[PoppyMama]

For relatives who are used to the hospital birth experience it might be good to let them know that the 3rd stage is prolonged in a birth that includes water, natural delivery of placenta, keeping the baby attached to placenta longer, and midwives (they are way more patient).  My hospital births cleaned up pretty quick and that's what your family is thinking of.  It can take an hour to birth the placenta and then they leave it attached for a good while.  Some people are cool with sharing all of that and that's fine but no one should feel pressured to be put in an uncomfortable situation.  I wanted privacy until I was warm dry and didn't have the placenta teetering in a bowl on a stool on the bed next to me.  My mom had my younger brother at home and is aware of all this stuff but it didn't mean I wanted to sit around with everyone while they got me situated.  My dd was glad to be at the birth but she commented on how "ripe" the room was and still mentions it whenever anyone asks how it was to be there...so I guess it's pretty bad. LOL.  Anyway, my point was that I don't get the babymooning thing and I'm happy to have visitors as soon as I feel "presentable" and some others are cool with company too.  Doesn't mean that anyone has to be and it's no one's place to demand to be present at any time you're not comfortable having them there.  I don't care where they live.  

Soccer- that's hilarious about the placenta in the pics.  Did anyone who came in seem uncomfortable?  I have to admit that they gross me out a little and I drank chunks of mine raw in shakes for a week with no icky feelings, it's just how they look.  My dh was kind enough to be the "placenta handler".  

A somewhat related and amusing story-

My last baby was born at a very small, homey birth center it was like a homebirth at someone else's house.  The midwife sets up the tub in the kitchen and then there is a small bedroom and a small bathroom to each side.  After my son was born and I got out of the tub and got the initial check I went to take a shower ALONE while my dh held the baby.  I was supposed to try to pee so there was blood around the toilet and probably in the shower and a big pool of chum (I delivered the placenta in there too so it was extra gooky) in the middle of the kitchen.  After I got out I went back into the bedroom to nurse the baby and hang out.  Apparently, one of her appts didn't get the messg she needed to reschedule so they showed up and were waiting patiently (and very quietly) in the livingroom.  For some reason the dad decides to use the back bathroom and we don't notice until he is in there.  Wow.  He was either oblivious or he needed to go more than I have ever needed to go.  The midwife went out and got rid of them but I wish I could have been a fly in the car on their way home.

[rosiewik]

Originally Posted by expat_canuck 

Originally Posted by PoppyMama 

Wow.  A few hours is certainly not asking for to much.  I wanted to be totally cleaned up, all checks finished, showered and in clean clothes, placenta not in a bowl next to me, and having a snack before I saw people.  I can't imagine most people wanting to share all the blood and guts and smells, etc.  My dd and my mom got to be in the room for the last one (water birth) but once the baby was born and we moved to the bed they stepped out so I could get checked and then I cleaned up before we really sat down together.

 I honestly kind of expected you more experienced mamas to reply something like "oh of course your mom should be there right away" Makes it a lot clearer to me now that keeping any guests out until *I'm* ready for them, no matter how long that might be is not such an extreme position. From my mom's reaction to saying "Hmmm - i'll think about it", I was feeling like I was being overly defensive of my birth space and baby - like, why would I want to keep immediate family away?? My mom seems to take it as my keeping her out of my life, or something....

I hadn't even really thought about the placenta in the bowl and/or third stage management  - and I'm not sure my mom did either, seeing as she's never had an unmedicated birth - she just kind of 'told me' that they were expecting to be allowed into the room very soon after the birth to meet the baby and take pictures. Complicating the picture is the fact that my dad is a pediatrician, and my sister is an RN - so when I said something remotely concerning clean up etc after birth, my mom was like "oh, we won't care, we know all about that". 

Thank you for validating my feelings about this - I feel a lot more confident about telling her that we'll invite them to come meet the baby when we're ready, and thank them for respecting our boundaries. 

Good for you! If it's possible I'd encourage you to kindly but FIRMLY explain these wishes now, and get your partner/labor support on board with supporting what you need. 

My husband (an RN) was at first surprised I wouldn't necessarily want his mom in the room while I labor/directly after birth, but later when he accounted for all the vulnerability/nudity/blood he completely understood and helped me gently but firmly explain this to his mother. 

[amyhulen]

DH is in charge of filtering visitors this time around. Under NO circumstances is my own mother allowed on the L&D floor. She was harrassing me through the preterm labor and birth of my first and OMG I was ready to reach through the phone and strangle her. The second time around we had a scheduled C-section so she didn't see the baby until after we got home. Unfortunatly this time around she has invited herself to the hospital as soon as she hears I am in labor.

We are strongly considering delaying the announcement of the birth of this child just so I can have some peace and quiet. Or we will just claim the baby was born at 4am.

I definatly agree that if you don't want visitors let the nurses know and they will be stopped short at the desk.

A neighbor in our co-housing community used the "please do not disturb, baby is sleeping" sign on her door for quite a few months. I am definatly doing the same thing.

[soccerchic21]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama 

Soccer- that's hilarious about the placenta in the pics.  Did anyone who came in seem uncomfortable?  I have to admit that they gross me out a little and I drank chunks of mine raw in shakes for a week with no icky feelings, it's just how they look.  My dh was kind enough to be the "placenta handler".  

I don't really remember. I don't think so. It was just my mom and husband for a while so I think it was my mom taking the pictures with the placenta in them. I am thinking that by the time everyone who was waiting in the hall came in we were all cleaned up and the placenta was whisked away. ;)

[Diyan]

With DS when we send the email announcing his birth we said, "We're excited for you all to come meet our new son, on Friday between 5pm and 6:30."  And everyone respected the implicit request not to visit earlier - but we don't have any family in town, so they couldn't just drop by.

[Pirogi]

My mom and dad arrived at our house about 6 hours after the birth of my DD.  Dad stayed a couple of days, and mom stayed about a week.  My MIL and FIL came during that week and left before my mom.  My mom and dad were fine, mom was very helpful and did all the housework/cooking while I paid attention to my newborn.  The only problem I had with her was the sense of abandonment and "How the hell am I supposed to do this on my OWN???" feeling after she left.  MIL and FIL wanted to hold the baby all the time and made it very weird to try to breastfeed a newborn with my engorged, leaking, spraying breasts and stained shirts, etc.  MIL/FIL won't be coming this time (long story with lots of drama), and mom will probably come a week or two after the baby gets here.

[texmati]

definitely be clear about your wishes. Some people feel it's more polite to the new mom to visit at the hospital, so you aren't imposing, or required to sit for a while. I'm in the camp of I'd rather see you at home when I can pee on my own. 

My birth with my son ended in a section with general anesthesia. My mom and husband saw the baby before I was out of surgery, and I'm glad they were with him. Other (female) family members waited in the waiting room until 2 am until I was consious, and had a chance to bf, hold the baby, and understand that I had a surgery, but I was still not 'with it'-- I don't remember the visit. That was my two closest aunts and MIL. Everyone else was respectful and waited days or even weeks before visiting. And I have a huge, local family.

As an aside, I'm very, very, very thankful for the lack of 'visiting hours' at the hospital. Because of this, my mom could come and go as she pleased, and I was never left alone.

I purposely did not tell any coworkers where I was delivering to avoid any stopper-by's. I putt off those visits until 6 weeks pp. At that point, I was wearing a shirt on a regular basis.

The idea that your mom's friend feels entitled enough to come bursting in minutes after delivery-- appalling!

I probably sound like a big baby, but I wouldn't see anyone for the first few days that I wasn't totally comfortable with. And I'd let them know that you reserve the right change your mind at anytime. I'd tell your mom and friend to take a hike.

Edited by texmati - 12/13/10 at 12:26pm

[Melian]

We had a one visit a day, one hour only rule during the first weeks. Our antenatal nurse followed that rule by heart and whisked away visitors after that hour. The first day, we didn't want any visitors, but my MIL snuck in anyway without telling (DH was cleaning up DS and I was in the tub peeing so we were really surprised) but she is sweet and stayed only for half an hour. We have little family so not much visits for the first few weeks. We had two visits in the evening and we will not do that again. After the first week we will probably call more relatives this time because we need them to help us out with a newborn, a toddler and a household.

They are NOT welcome during birth. That is just me, DH, the midwife and the antenatal nurse. DS will either sleep through it or go sleep with my folks.

[crunchynerd]

Two weeks may sound long to some people, but this is my 3rd child, and 2 weeks would be just exactly enough time for me to stabilize enough hormonally and get to know my baby and get breastfeeding off to a good start BEFORE allowing my mother in, because she cannot help but ruffle my feathers, fret over whether something's wrong with the baby or my milk, get me agitated, and argue with how I do... everything.

I had a cesarean with my first and found hospital visitors welcome in a way, because the hospital was such a sucky experience, but tiring beyond all reckoning, AND they came too soon, when I really, REALLY wasn't up to it, and then the rest of my stay was lonely except DH.

Then at home, it was more rough ride...no visitors at all and DH at work, then relatives I'd never met on his side coming when the place was a wreck and so was I...it made me really think that loneliness was better, because no one HELPED with anything... they just expected me to hostess in a filthy house with a screaming newborn.

Second child, HBAC. Knew this time I wanted my mother to stay away the first week... DH took 3 weeks off work to take care of our 3 yo DD and the house, but quickly found that he could barely turn around in place before the sink and laundry were overflowing again, and of course a 3 year old can't just sit like a stuffed doll on a shelf all day...so the place was in chaos... so we agreed to let my mom come "help" and she did... got the house back on the right track, but unfortunately, I both needed her, and couldn't stand her. Needed her to support me, and the reality was, she is such a worrier that she infected me with it and had me near-hysterical about the baby not getting enough milk.

The midwife had to come and "comb the snakes from my hair" and try to undo the damage my mother's visit had done.

Second planned homebirth. 3rd child, coming up: I really wish I could keep even my mother away for a solid 2 weeks this time. My mother is adamant how she won't cause any problems, but she cannot help it; she comes in with a lot of negative baggage about babies and birth, and her ideas of how things ought to be done, etc.

She went ahead and bleached my cotton prefolds after I told her I bought them unbleached for a reason, and why it is that stains on diapers are fine, but bleach destroys them... now, half my prefolds, the ones she bleached, are shredding, whereas the other half, that have also been through 2 kids, are fine! She just has her own ideas of how things ought to be and zero respect for my boundaries or my right to make different decisions, even when it comes to my own house and my own children.

Who can tolerate that in the fragile postpartum period?

So I really want 2 weeks this time, of nobody, but fear how DH is going to manage with 2 kids now, a 6 yo homeschooled DD, and a 3 yo son, and the dishwasher is broken since thanksgiving and has to stay that way for now... DH means well, but does housework the "man" way, which is to say, terrible time management... stands there waiting for a pot to boil, doesn't even start the washing machine until other chores are done (so it isn't busy washing while he's doing other things), cooks by leaving every single ingredient and pot out on the counter after he's done...his housework skills are pretty poor, and he's going to be doing it all on his own while having to somehow take care of our 3 yo son who is admittedly a ball of mischief, and doubly can't be expected to just tend himself all day while DH chases his tail doing housework in the least efficient manner.

I really don't know... I wish we could hire a maid. But my mother is the only one who could or would come do housework, and with her, she brings intrusions and disturbances I really don't want to deal with in the first week, this time. It sucks either way.

[BaileyB]

OMG! I thought I was so weird for wanting the same thing. This is my second and our first was stillborn at 38 wks and the thought of having to share this baby with anyone before I feel ready makes me really anxious! But its hard because everyone is soooo excited and can't wait to see her...(even though they don't know its a her yet). Even harder yet is that I am suppose to get induced  early so everyone knows that I will know when I will be having the baby and is expecting me to share that date with them....AIN'T-GONNA-HAPPEN-FOLKS! haha

And don't worry, my mom is weird too.

[OkiMom]

DDCC- Totally not strange to not want people to visit! Especially people you haven't even SEEN in 15 years.

With my first we had two sets of visitors at the hospital. One was my First Sergeant (I was active duty) and CO. No big deal, they came said congrats and left. The second was a good friend and my Platoon Sergeant (who has 3 children of his own so he wasn't fazed about me nursing in front of him), they stayed around 20 minutes to keep me company then left when DH got back from signing his paternity leave papers. At home my MIL waited 2 weeks before flying out to visit with my BIL. Honestly Id rather if my BIL didn't come because hes the type to get embarrassed at the sight of anyone breastfeeding and made me uncomfortable to nurse in my own apartment with him there. No one else visited before she was 3 months old though we went and visited my father when she was 6 weeks.. Honestly, I couldn't have handled anything more than that!! It was hard to have that many visitors.

Second was in the NICU for 6 days. One of my friends came daily and sat with me, went with me to the NICU when DH couldn't and just did whatever she could to help out. Her husband stopped by and sat with DH, talked to him and supported him. They were great, I didn't fell any pressure to keep them company, I was perfectly at ease letting her sit there and not talk to her. However, we had several people from church come by and it was bad. They wanted to come see the baby, no problem but I was limited on how much I could hold her (the NICU here sucks, you can only hold the babies for certain amount of time per hour) and they always wanted to hold the baby which meant I didn't get the time with her. Finally when we got home and people still tried to come by just to hold the baby I had enough and told DH I was going into the back room to be left alone. In-laws didn't met her until she was 11 months old (we live in a different country than them now) and my father didn't met her until she was well past a year. Neither side was interested in flying out to met her... I learned from that one to limit visitors, this time I'm only coming out if I know the person and don't mind them holding the baby or spending time talking to them.

This times ground rules:

NO hospital visitors unless we specifically invite you. No holding baby at the hospital until we offer (aka- no asking). There is only one person I'm planning on inviting to the hospital and that is because she is 1) a good friend and 2) going to bring my oldest two with her so they can meet the baby.

If you want to drop by a meal thanks but I won't necessarily come over to greet you, you will probably be greeted by my husband/children.

No stopping by unannounced because it drove me nuts how many times I JUST got the baby down for a nap and someone rang the doorbell.

No I'm not waking the baby up so you can see him.

Even when we are out I'm not playing pass the baby around. I let a couple of people old DD1 and DD2 and it seemed like everyone decided since I let one person hold her then they could too. I'm not comfortable with people outside of close friends/family holding my child.

No asking for favors/asking for me to babysit for at least the first two months.. might sound stupid but I was 1 week home (so almost 2 weeks PP) with DD2 and someone called and asked if I could babysit her 4 boys for the weekend and when I said no she asked if I would come help her clean her apartment then. Umm.. Couple days later another person I know asked if I would make meals for this family who just had a baby a month ago, she didn't understand why I laughed.

[dooney]

*sigh* I would kill for some family to visit me :(

We moved 1200 miles away from *home* and my huge family back in June and the closest family we have is DH's. While I love them to death, my MIL can be a bit overwhelming at times. She kept asking me when she should come to visit because she has to schedule in advance, and I'm like, "um... I don't really know when the baby will be born..." so she's scheduling some time off to come around the EDD and I hope to high heaven I get at least a week after the birth. To be honest, I don't really *want* THEM here, I want MY OWN mommy! It aches that she will be so far away. She had a major heart attack 8 days before DS#1 was born and we are so lucky she survived. The first time she held him (at the hospital) was VERY emotional for all of us. She is still dealing with huge medical issues and has used all her vacation time up for doctors & can't afford to go unpaid. DH doesn't get enough time off so we can't go see them until who knows when. He is probably only going to have a week off and then will have to go back to work so I will most likely be alone with the IL's most of the time.

Yeah sorry to go off about that, it's pity party time over here.