I have finally come to terms with my relationship with my mother. She is a horrible example of mother hood. We used to be really close. I noticed though that as I matured and became more and more independent that she would make undercutting remarks to me about my face, body, job and relationships with men and my girlfriends. It is as if she is trying to break my spirit. I personally think any parent (let alone mother) who would discourage their children is insane. Most people are in disbelief when I tell them of what I have endured. Family friends often refer to the Bible to consul me on dealing with my mom. “GOD said honor you parents!” GEEEEEZZ. WTF !!! Am I supposed to subject myself to abuse in order to be in good with GOOD? I am so tired of hearing that I want to through up.
Nobody ever says “God said don’t provoke your children”
A t times , I have sunk into a deep depression and felt on the brink of insanity…seriously) I sought counseling many times throughout my life, the last of which was at University of Chicago where I was treated for bulimia (common disease among women who have be raised by rigid, controlling parents). Any time I expressed myself, I was told “You don’t feel that way” or “You so sensitive!” Throwing up was the way I released for over 20 years!
Until I started taking up for myself I did not know this type o f mother –daughter relationship was abnormal.
Please allow me to explain the personal attacks and verbal assaults I have endured of my life.
As an adolescent, she has ordered at least one credit card in my name without my permission.
She has told me that my face look distorted when I gain weight. Yes. My mother said this to me which is very strange coming from someone (my mother) who is been obese all my life and who underwent gastric bypass surgery.
She seems threatened by anyone that become close with and often accused me of treating my friends better that I treat her.
After not talking for several months, we do talk the thing out of her mouth is “Do you have any money I can borrow?”
When landing a very coveted position at work, she says, “O they must not have checked your credit”
When tell her about a new man I met she told me the following:
“You need to work on yourself.”
“You should find out how old his wife is because he may like younger women than you.”
“OOOO he is going to see the dimples in your ass.”
Once I caught her looking through my dresser and studying my jewel (a big “NO, NO”), when I confronted she lied about not doing it and cursed
Once she invited me to go to the movie with her. When I arrived at the movies, she decided that she want to see a different movie and told me to hold her seat. When the movie she was going to see ended she would come join me. “Save me a seat she said.”
On two occasions that is and recall, she has invited me to dinner and changed her mind. I only found out after calling several times to tell her that I’m on my way only to find out that she has changed her mind. When I confront her about her actions, she’ll hang up. I’ll call back and she hangs up.
The last time she did that I left a very calm message on her voice mail tells him that I did not want to have anything to do with her. I arrived at work the next day to find an email which she sent to my job “Delete my cell, home number and email. I have to let you go to save my sanity!”
Can you believe this? I did even get mad that she sent this to my job email. I just responded: Thank you Jesus!”
It actually reminded me of a time when I stopped talking with her and she called my job ask to speak with the VP of my group. Very inappropriate. It amazes me that I even speak to her. I depresses me that she is really the only family I have. We are estranged from many family member because he relationship with then. Having never grown up around them, I really don’t know them and to be quite honest they are very dysfunctional (meaning drug addicts, alcoholism, mental physical abuse and prostitution run rampant on both sides of my family). She had a particularly poor relationship with her mom. It mirrors what I have endured all my life.
When I have asked her to seek counseling, she gets mad and accuses me of throwing she and her mother relationship in her face.
When I get mad and curse at her (and believe you me, the crap that she has pulled would have Jesus, himself lose it) she lashes out by the cursing at me , shuts down, throw a tantrum or some other outlandish act. As an aside, I started lashing back in my late twenties after being called whore, bitch, slut and disease infested but my mother when I would rebel against her bullying behavior.
I know this sounds really bad but I really, really hate my mother. She is a miserable controlling bitch. I don’t arrive at this conclusion easily and I hate to this it (because she should be happy and supportive of me). I think she is jealous of me and wants to control me.
She speaks poorly of me and even lies to her friends as if I were some sort of irresponsive person or some low life of society. I am college graduate. I have masters not children. I am fiscally responsible, kind to my friends and acquaintances and love socializing opposed to her who is irresponsible regarding her finances, ignores her friends unless she needs a favor and feel unaccomplished in her profession.
It makes me sad that God would give me a mom that hate herself and projects her hatred on me. I have no other family to turn to and while, I have cultivated a really strong support system of friends, it is particularly difficult during the holidays and looking at the prospects of our relationships getting better. I have lost all hope that she will ever change. It might be easier if I had a family (husband and children) it is really hard to endure her treatment and it makes me feel worthless at time. As a result, I am ok it her thinking she ended out contact. At this point, it is the worst it has ever been because I was seeing a new guy I think she became threat coupled with fact that I am quick to put her in our place.
I’m just wondering is anyone out there can relate. Do you have any advice to help me cope? What is the matter with this lady? What kind of mother does these things to an intelligent, caring daughter?
Oprah says forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will change. My thing is trying to cope with the future. Will it be brighter?