TOXIC OR MENTALLY ILL MOTHER? - Page 2

[gonyere]

:hugs: I haven't spoken to my mother in more than a year - since late last summer (July/August of 11'). She has never respected me as an adult and constantly made snide remarks about me and how I was choosing to live my life and/or raise my kids. I could never be good enough for her - either I wasn't playing with my kids enough, or I was feeding them horrible food or my house wasn't clean enough or... something. Always something. Then for a year or so before I finally cut her off, every time she saw me, after greting me and she'd look at me and say, in the most bitchy tone possible 'So! Are you going to be appropriate to to me today?' - you can exchange 'appropriate' for kind/nice or various other adjectives. Whats the appropriate response I never did figure out - being nice didn't work, being mean, ignoring her completely it didn't matter. Finally I told her to leave and nearly called the cops on her when she tried to refuse. Since I cut her off, my life has been vastly improved - much less stress, much more calm just a much better life over all. So thats my only suggestion - cut her loose. 

[Linnaea]

My mother is abusive, too, always has been, always will be.  There were times in my early to mid 20's where I believed she could and would change, but that was just a fantasy.  The fact is (and you touched upon this yourself) she doesn't believe she's done anything wrong.  Sometimes she'll say she's sorry but I know now it's because she gets into her pity mindset where she wants people to feel sorry for her (the focus always, always, always has to be on her).  I've wanted her love, her attention, her approval but all I've gotten is ridicule, judgment, and a complete lack of healthy attention.  It's easy to get sucked into the cycle of getting angry, pulling away and then wanting to be loved, going back to her, wanting to make things "right".  When you're able to stand back and see this cycle clearly, you'll be ready to let go of it.  When you're in it and you can't see that you're in it, you're not ready yet.  Mothers like mine and yours will always be wounded children at heart, which makes it impossible for them to be the mothers we want them to be.  Accepting that is the hardest yet most important thing you can do for yourself and those who are connected to you.  Once you fully accept it, you'll be free.  You'll feel lighter, happier, more comfortable with yourself and those around you.  This requires a lot of emotional vulnerability and a willingness to let go and break free of emotional habits and conditioning.  I wish you well on your journey 

[dee2002]

God i thought i was da only one, my mother has gotten worse as the years go by, she refuses to get a job and expects her kids to support her, she moans that she has ti babysit for us when we work even though she gets paid for it and if we look for another babysitter she causes murder and tells us that she needs the money for her bills, any time that should bring joy for us she ruins by spreading misery, when she attends my childs dance events she always causes trouble with people, if she notices one of us has made a particular effort with our appearance then she smirks at us and says ' what the hell are you wearing?'. She tells me im too strict on my child because i said leaving school early will not be an option and she will be going to college and that i am putting too much pressure on her and she will end up self harming?? When i refused to buy my child fast food instead of a proper dinner I was told i was giving her the wrong impression about food and that she will end up anorexic. I am just about ready to walk away at this stage

[pek64]

I fell and ended up with a hairline fracture a couple months ago. When I talked to my mother recently, I listened to her go on about her health problems, as well as those of my brother and sister who live in her area. When I started telling her about my hand, she interrupted and said "you're young", then ended the conversation. Oh, well.

[imonteiro]

Unfortunatly I know how you feel! That's my mom! We were very close until I start to grow up into adulthood. she got very jealous of all my friends, univesity, body, face, boyfriends...my mother was a cumplice of my sexual abuse. it was on my own home in my own bedroom. he was my friend so I suposed. she invited him to sleep in the other spare room and went out knowing what was going to happen. That almost destroied my life! I almost commited suicide, went to therapy alot and I still work on it. when I confronted her on it she acused me of being a whore, that I deserve it and if he was my friend it's not rape because he had the right to do it! that I was insane. she tryed to pick me boyfriends and husbands with alot of money because my father and her are in bankrupcy (huge!!!!) for more than 10 yers. she's really manipulative, she says she's not your mother and them she says she loves you. she tries to buy you with stuff. even when i was super thin she always said  - you are so dawn fat you are going to die alone! My weight was 45 kg! I emigrate to Brazil with my fiancee (wich she tortured for more than 2 years! and she told me that he was gonna rape me forever because that what I use for) she went stolking me! it was incredible! she went to the police saying that my fiancee had killed me and ran away! how is that possible!??! then apoligise and told me that was my father that told her that! I said enough! in my wedding she appeared and made a huge scene saying it was over for her that i was no longer her daughter (thank God I thought!)  and that me and my husband were gonna die very hard! in Xmas she blackmailed me with my father health saying that he had a tumor  - cancer! Lie! Now he is just like her. He was not but now he believe in everything she says because he live out of the country and only comes back 3 times a year! A wrecked familly! My youngest sister is going insane also because my insane mother is doing exactly the same with her! my mother has alot of disieases from the soul - vitiligo , gastric ulcer, lung and kdny and pancreas problems...she's dying litle by litle. And she is mentally ill but she doesn't acept that! Now since january she says that I married because I'm insane and that wants me to get the divorce. She called me alot of times to say that I never would get children birth because children are the cancer of life. sons are problems and can become monsters! she says all that barbarities and the next day she calls to ask about if you are ok , that she's concerned and when you confronte her she says that I'm insane that that never happen and because she only do it whe I was alone with her or by phone I never had any phisical proof! she says she loves to turn the others life's person in a hell because it's funny , that maybe she's from hell because she's hot (????) then she says she is jocking. she says that she is the next bin laden terrible stuff! I had bulimia also and alot of anxiety isuues that I never had! I know that i was tremendly beautifull (it's true), a good person, smart funny, too sensitive and too atached to my mother. she destroyd all my relationsships with friends, and with boyfriends. she even stolle their phone numbers from my cell phone and call saying the craziest things!!! Now the new one is that I married to run away from her because i'm mentally ill and she wants me to ask the divorce. it was over. I call her saying that it had a stop now. I love myself and i don't want anymore of that. she says: "I dont understand! why Ingrid? I love you honey! you are my child! " then she tottally turned all and get super angry "I want you to dye in hell you are a weak! I'll never speak you again" and she hang up!

I though - it's over - I cryed alot! My husband was all sweet but nothing can take this from me but myself. She is the only person from whom I ever felt hate ! It's terrible!

The nexr day she call over and over again and send text messages "why me? answer me my young child! I love you! " I  just sen "I love myself! ou are gone since i grow up" I hang off my cell since and I cannot hang on it because I want her to leave me alone. If she doesn't stop I will call the police! I'm in terrible pain but I can no longer Honor my parents! the rest of my story is just above like TDub's! Exactly the same!

I want a brighter future also! we deserve it!

[imonteiro]

Originally Posted by Linnaea 

My mother is abusive, too, always has been, always will be.  There were times in my early to mid 20's where I believed she could and would change, but that was just a fantasy.  The fact is (and you touched upon this yourself) she doesn't believe she's done anything wrong.  Sometimes she'll say she's sorry but I know now it's because she gets into her pity mindset where she wants people to feel sorry for her (the focus always, always, always has to be on her).  I've wanted her love, her attention, her approval but all I've gotten is ridicule, judgment, and a complete lack of healthy attention.  It's easy to get sucked into the cycle of getting angry, pulling away and then wanting to be loved, going back to her, wanting to make things "right".  When you're able to stand back and see this cycle clearly, you'll be ready to let go of it.  When you're in it and you can't see that you're in it, you're not ready yet.  Mothers like mine and yours will always be wounded children at heart, which makes it impossible for them to be the mothers we want them to be.  Accepting that is the hardest yet most important thing you can do for yourself and those who are connected to you.  Once you fully accept it, you'll be free.  You'll feel lighter, happier, more comfortable with yourself and those around you.  This requires a lot of emotional vulnerability and a willingness to let go and break free of emotional habits and conditioning.  I wish you well on your journey 

"Mothers like mine and yours will always be wounded children at heart, which makes it impossible for them to be the mothers we want them to be. Accepting that is the hardest yet most important thing you can do for yourself and those who are connected to you. Once you fully accept it, you'll be free. You'll feel lighter, happier, more comfortable with yourself and those around you. This requires a lot of emotional vulnerability and a willingness to let go and break free of emotional habits and conditioning."

I'm in that phase and it's really the hardest painfull part! You don't want to believe that she is like that and we lie to ourselves until we are done with it! Your post gave me Strenght and Hope! Thank You!

[ConfusedAdult]

My first time ever posting on  a forum.

I share some of the same experiences as earlier posters. I am a grown women with children in college. I continue to suffer guilt over my relationship with my mother. 

I don't know where to begin. As long as I can remember my relationship with my mother has been challenging. I have always wondered if she suffers from some kind of mental disorder.

I want to move on, but the memories are holding me captive. I want to forgive and forget. 

First she is very religious which makes this whole thing more complicated. She would always quote scripture and pray while at the same time have really strange behaviors like staying in bed all the time, even skipping Christmas dinner with family on occasion. I recall one time as a child ( like maybe 10 years old) asking my dad what's wrong with mom. He just stood there and didn't answer. So frustrating, especially since I was the only child with no one else to observe or understand what was going on. As a child I thought her behavior was somehow my fault.

Along with her religiousness comes much judgement. She has driven friends of mine away with her rude comments. As a kid it's hard to reconcile your feelings of being loyal to your mother when all you want is to have friends. My friends held the rude comments against me. Frustrating as a kid. Made me angry at her and my friends. 

Second, she was critical of me. She said it was only constructive criticism, but it never felt constructive. In high school she would question my choice of clothing and say that makes you look big. Once in front of my friends she took a picture of my butt to show me how unflattering the pants were. I still have this picture. She would say things like...Oh you'll never make it college, you don't have what it takes. ( Side note-she dropped out of college because "her candle burnt at both ends." ) All of this makes me feel very vulnerable around her.

I recall before getting married I went wedding dress shopping. I had my own money to buy the dress, by the way. I invited her to go because I thought that's what you do. MISTAKE! Once out of the dressing room, in front of the staff, she says...."I will not have that dress in my church."  I was embarrassed and extremely angry to say the least. Another side note...the dress wasn't even scandalous, just not modest enough for her taste.  This just made me want to distance myself from her.

(Somehow, this all sounds so trite, but it's hard to capture a lifetime of confusion in one post. Another really difficult part of the equation is that I "think" all of her church friends adore her and think she is a saint. )

Another side note: One of the first times my now husband was ever around my mother, he quickly asked if we could leave. As soon we were away from her he said..." I was not going to listen to your mother talk about you like that for another second." Needless to say I was dumbfounded. He may have been one of the first people to acknowledge her rude passive/aggressive comments to me. It was so affirming. As I've said, I always assume it's me not her. It's my fault. I am fat. I am stupid. I am an immodest dresser. 

On a completely different note, she has always been somewhat of a hoarder, but over the years it's gotten worse. I have been "kept" away from their house for years. I believe the last time I was in my parents house was 2007. Even this Christmas, we drove to see them and I was told over the phone..."Don't come to our house, we'll come to your hotel. We are having repair issues."

Lastly, even my children have difficulty being around her. They have come to recognize all things I observed as child. 

All that said, we do not live in the same state. I avoid talking to her. I avoid seeing her. She has over the years expressed how close she wants to be while at the same time does not acknowledge any of her wrong doing. Quite the contrary, she  is very defensive and does not think she has done anything wrong. Basically it is my duty to over look the past and even the present behavior. It is my job to nurture the relationship. My parents rarely come to visit me. It's always ...they don't have any money while at the same time she looks fabulous with her expensive clothes, shoes, and purses. How am I to interpret this? No money for gas, but money for clothes??   She says...I miss you so much. I think about you all the time, but no visits??? 

Help!

[lovemylab]

Are we related? Your mom and my mom sound like sisters! I have struggled with confident issues and depression my whole life because of the things my mom said and did around me. I have gotten much better since I decided to stop the abuse and tell her I do not want any contact. I have a support system mainly my husband. I can understand how it could be tough without a husband or child to hang on too. Maybe a close friend and their family could "take you in". That's how I feel about my husbands family, they took me in and I was able to see what a "normal" family is like. Unfortunitly everything comes with a price. Since I refuse to have contact with my parents, my brother has decided to choose sides. He picked theirs. I have a feeling its because he might be getting help financially from them. I told him he did not have to pick sides just stop playing middle man and delivering messages for them. Also lost ties with a few cousins and such. But it's a small price to pay for my happiness. I do have children and when I was pregnant for the first one I swore to my husband a few things. One that my babies didn't need to be subjected to my sides abusiveness, so I they didn't change before baby was born there would be no contact with my children. Second if I ever start acting out the way my mom did to me, I told him to take my kids and leave. I feel what you are saying about holidays and such. Even tho holidays with my family sucked so bad I do think of them. My brain sometimes tries to make me feel guilt by thinking about when they pass how will I feel. But that is the things about regret I guess... We will see what happens when that day comes.

[pek64]

ConfusedAdult, I know what you mean about finding it difficult to put into words what you went through. You are very fortunate that your husband pointed out her behavior. I hope he has treated you well all these years.

I, too, have my stories of crap treatment. Achievements trashed. Her attempts to get me to swap my healthy habits for poor ones (like dieting when I was thin).

I have given myself permission to reject guilt about not visiting. It is simply not healthy for me to visit my mother. It is not good for my son. She does not understand, but that is not my problem. I call her occasionally, though she never calls me, and the calls are all the same. She talks about her life and her difficulties, and when I try to talk about my difficulties, she ends the call. Relationships with our parents can be tricky.

[curvie2003]

I came across all the post regarding a toxic mother. I have had a very toxic relationship with my own mother and do not know how to deal with her except to cut all ties. Everyone tells me "but that's your mother" but I do not believe that I should be abused because she is my mother. My dad is absolutely no help as his response to everything is "you know how your mother is or just say your sorry to make her happy".

It had been over a year since we've spoken last. Before that 3 year's. The last time we spoke was at her mother's funeral. I asked my mom if she wanted a relationship and she said NO!

She says one thing to me but another to other family members so they see her in a good light. I hate to be done with her because she is my mom and I love her but I am firm believer that no matter what role a person plays in your life, you do not deserve to be abused.

[USAmma]

I'm so sorry! It sounds like she is robbing you of peace. I took a 10 year break from my mom and it was a very good thing. It's a sad thing but the reality is that you should not allow someone to hurt you like that over and over. She has no claim to you and it sounds like you have really tried. I did open up contact with my mom again but we had a year of counseling together first as a condition. Right now I am thinking of taking another break until we have a refresher counseling session. You need to be in control and it sounds like your mom is not letting you do that. 

Hugs! I'm so sorry.

[DanielleNZ]

It's pretty awful I actually found a place where I know others will understand my situation. Huge hugs to the Mumma's with toxic people in their lives.

From day 1 of my life my mother has struggled with me, she had undiagnosed pnd which wasn't picked up until 5years later and the birth of my brother. She never bonded with either of us. Left most if not all care duties to my father, who couldn't have been more amazing or happy we had been welcomed into the world.
For some reason or another she was absent every year for over ten years at our birthdays. She is a hypochondriac and would end up being admitted to hospital.
There was never any affection in our family, no hugs, no I love you's nothing.
She is aggressive, with a very bad temper and would lash out at me physically. The way she treats and has treated my father over the years is disgusting and to this day frustrates me beyond belief. Around puberty she started behaving resentfully around me, she has always had weight issues I myself am tall and slim. Even post children I am very tiny. The day I left home to move in with my husband who at the time was my fiancé she caused a huge argument and stormed off which is very common for her.
She has never been present as a parent and just never listens she is resentful of me and the life I have created for myself, a life which is nothing like the one I had as a child, I have an amazing marriage with my husband who I adore more than anything we have two beautiful boys and a wee one on the way, we parent very differently to anything she has ever encounted. Co-sleeping, extended breast feeding baby wearing etc. and she constantly undermines me. She recently lost it at me and caused an argument over nothing, I had taken flowers to my sick nana ( who passed away a few weeks ago ) and she managed to yell and scream at me over that. She told me I wasn't welcome at home anymore, who says that to their child. I know I never will. We didn't speak for six weeks. Then one day she just started calling to update me about her mum - nana who was dying and she acted like the argument never happened. No apology nothing. My husband was upset as he thinks that if you let her get away with it she will just continue to do it and think its ok.
She treats my father disgustingly infront of my children, she undermines me constantly, she is trying to "buy" them. Today while farewells relatives at the airport she kept insisting on buying the boys McDonalds or a toy, they were absolutely fine and I kept saying no. She asked about 8times I wanted to scream. The kids don't need stuffing with bad food or bribed. They had more fun chatting to a little boy at the next table about where he was flying home too and if he'd had a great holiday here. I left angry and I outwardly thought that if I never saw her again it would be too soon. She is so difficult, nothing in this world will ever make her happy and her awful comments and constant bickering with people make me want to steer well clear of her and her toxic behaviour more importantly why should I let her spend privileged time with my babies if when in a bad mood she takes it out on them and tells them off constantly.
It's really looking like she will never change, the bad outweighs the good. I am so thankful I am nothing like her.
Living 45mins away just isn't far enough :-(