24 m/o being rough with her brother

[Astraia]

I am at a loss as to what to do with this. Nigella is 2, and now that her brother is very mobile and wants to do everything she is doing and grabs what she's playing with, we're running into serious problems. Nigella hits, kicks, pushes, pinches, pulls hair, etc. For example, she's looking at a book and Orrin walks up and starts grabbing at it and she'll kick at him until he falls over. She's colouring, Orrin grabs crayons and she'll pinch at his cheeks or pull his hair. Sometimes Orrin is just minding his own business and Nigella will come from the other side of the room just to push him over.

I know part of it is figuring out cause and effect and working on empathy. She likes pushing him over sometimes so she can say, "oh, sorry!" and give him hugs. She does the same with her dolls- throws them on the floor, says "oh, poor head!" and picks them up to cuddle and hug. She still can't do it with her brother!

Things I try: redirecting both of them if I can predict a problem arising, telling Nigella to be gentle, pointing out that pushing/pinching/whatever hurts, encouraging her to give hugs and notice how Orrin cries when he gets hurt. I tell her firmly, "no, don't hit."  I'll remove her from the situation, bodily if I need to. I grab her hand/foot mid attack and tell her no/be gentle/whatever pops into my head. I've tried a time out when I get super frustrated, but it does no good because she just melts down and I spend the next half hour repairing the bad mood that follows a time out.

In the amount of time it took me to type this she has taken a toy away (which made him fall over), pushed him over, and hit him over the head with a book. Then I took the book away and now she's standing in the middle of the room yelling, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and crying.

ARGH.

[mpvelaz]

My DS has been the same way to his sister lately. He is 3 and she is 16 months and if she so much as looks at a toy he is playing with he will slap her, push her down, or a couple times he has even basically punched her. I have kind of been at a loss on what to do about it too. I have started trying to redirect him and tell him to be nice the first time he does something and then if he does it again I have taken away whatever toy they were fighting over for the rest of the day or a few hours depending on the circumstance, I'm not sure if it is working, but not really sure what else to do. She fights back sometimes too and will hit him back or pull his hair.

[Astraia]

Well, I don't know if I feel better or worse knowing that someone else is in the same boat. I would be OK doing the same things repeatedly (redirecting, reminding, having her say sorry, whatever) if I knew it was the "right" thing to do, but I don't. Every time I try something new and the more I try the more frustrated I get. And then eventually I do something that I feel terrible about (ie, she hit Orrin over the head with a glasses case, which I then snatched out of her hands and threw across the room.... NOT a good idea).