Do you wish you could SAH? - Page 3

[Laurski]

A really pertinent question for me, since I just this week started back up at work after 4 months of maternity leave!  I never, ever in a million years thought I'd want to stay home, but now that I'm actually a mom to an awesome little person, I kind of wish I was staying home. 

I actually really like my job (or parts of it, at least--I'm a h.s. teacher, and while I love teaching kids in the classroom, I hate all of the administrative stuff that comes along with the job), and I'm fortunate that the school is willing for me to do part-time this year (and maybe next), but my schedule's all over the place--4 days a week, different times of the day--and then there's all of the mid-day and after school meetings, so a part-time job starts to look and feel more and more full-time.  Plus, I'm terrible at compartmentalizing, so I stress about things at work when I should just be home enjoying my time with the Bean.

I don't know.  I love exercising my intellect and enjoy the dynamic of the classroom, but I'm not sure the schedule, along with my own personal neurosis, means that I'll keep the part-time position I have now.  I may decide to just adjunct instead, as it would allow an easier part-time schedule.

Ack.  A long-winded and disjointed answer.  Sorry!  Blame it on exhaustion and feeling completely overwhelmed at the moment by my new WOHM status!

[Skippy918]

My friend at work told me today that she's going to be quitting once the baby comes.  I'm happy for her, but I felt so envious too. 

[PennyRoo]

I would love, love, love, love to SAH.  I adore hanging out with my kids, and I love homemaking.  Unfortunately not a reality for us financially.  Both DH and I work out of necessity.  I have struggled a lot with feeling resentment towards him for not making enough so we could swing my being at home (the only way I was able to take even a 5 month maternity leave with each of my children was because my PARENTS paid for it . . my job offered time off but no pay), and serious jealousy of the moms in my community (who are the slight majority, I'd say) who are able to stay home.  I cannot imagine the luxury of not having substantial responsibilities outside of the home.  It really surprises me how many of you seem to find working easier - I don't understand how that could be? All the millions of things that need to get done - laundry, kids to dr visits, housecleaning, grocery shopping, meal prep and planning, dishes, shuttling kids to activities, vet appointments, birthday gifts for parties, yard work, oil change, etc etc etc - not to even mention time for me - are there in the life of a working mom just as with the SAHM -  just with far less time in which to do it.  I feel overwhelmed lately and I guess this post shows it.

I do think that a 2 parent working family is incredibly hard.  My DH and I often take vacation time when the other is working in order to cut down on child care expenses, and when he's home, life is substantially easier than when both of us are working.  I don't need to rush around tidying in the morning before work, I get home and the laundry has been done, dinner is made, homework has been finished, there is no "crap!  We are out of milk/eggs/toilet paper/whatever at 8 PM" and everyone is more relaxed. The stress of juggling who is going to stay home when a child is sick or who has to rush home earlier for the nanny because of a late night meeting one of us has to attend is just very very difficult. 

The last few years have been about trying to accept that this is just how it is, and that weekend time is so very precious.

[lari]

I absolutely would SAH.  I loved every minute of it when I had maternity leave for 12 weeks and hated going back to work.  I wouldn't say I hate work, but I'm definitely not that fond of it.  I guess technically we could live off of one income, but we'd have to sell our house and my car and my horses, so I on those days where I'm really missing DS (especially on those days back after vacations or times off with him)  I try to remind myself of the choices we've made in our family and have tried to be more accepting of me having to work.  As others have mentioned, I too, am resentful of DH.( what happened to men being the providers?)  I make more than him and carry the insurance so if someone were to stay home it would be him and I already know he couldn't handle DS all day every day.  He has no patience for a toddler.  I try not to dwell on this topic too much as it just makes me sad.  On the up side I truely appreciate the time I do get to spend with DS

[Disco Infiltrator]

What I would love would be for our country (USA) to support new parents and offer governement paid maternity leave of one year to everyone.  That way you can be a working parent and still be able to be home with your child during the most formative time of their life.  You can go back and have them on table foods.  You don't have to have the nightmare of pumping and trying to keep your kiddo on breast milk.  I would like for people not to have to feel that in order to have the best possible for your child you have to stay at home, and I would like for women who want to work to be able to parent and have a fulfilling career..

Personally, with a 3.5 year old, thank goodness for work.  Some days I really need to get away.  I'm also really lucky that as an RN I have a flexible schedule and end up being at home 4 days out of 7, so I feel like an almost SAHM.  So my second thing I would love is that everyone can have this type of flexible schedule and woudn't be forced into Monday through Friday 8 - 5. 

I love my job and while I probably would give it up for my kids if I had to, I don't have to. 

[mambera]

It really surprises me how many of you seem to find working easier - I don't understand how that could be? All the millions of things that need to get done - laundry, kids to dr visits, housecleaning, grocery shopping, meal prep and planning, dishes, shuttling kids to activities, vet appointments, birthday gifts for parties, yard work, oil change, etc etc etc - not to even mention time for me - are there in the life of a working mom just as with the SAHM -  just with far less time in which to do it.

Well some of that stuff I contract out as a WOHM but probably wouldn't as a SAHM.  Housecleaning in particular comes to mind.  I would far far rather do my job (which I like) and pay someone else to clean my house than spend my own time doing it.

And really I find it stressful to try and do cooking and housework at the same time as child care.  I do it, but it is stressful (more so at certain developmental stages than at others).  Even when I was home with DD (mat leave and then some part time) the most I'd usually do was chop all the veggies and stuff in little 10- or 15-minute intervals during the day, and then wait to turn on the stove until DH got home so he could take over DD.  I'd maybe throw in a load of laundry a day but I wasn't going to try and scrub a toilet or anything like that.

[kythe]

I would love to be a sahm again. It is what I had always envisioned before having kids, and I still find it ideal. But those days ended when we divorced when the kids were 3 and 1.5 yrs old. I was single for many years and now live with a SO, but I'm still the breadwinner. I make more than he does, and I'm the only one who gets benefits with my job, so I can't even cut back to part time.

Even after all these years, my kids still miss me while I'm at work. I feel stressed because I feel emotionally distant from them since I spend so much time away. Work time does not = time to myself, so meeting my own needs and balancing that with my kids needs is a job in itself. I feel like I spend a lot of my time just barely hanging on, rather than being on top of things. So I also envy sahm's.

[mystiquesmom]

Part of me wishes I could SAHM, but another part of me is glad I don't.  Ideally, I would work part time, so I could spend more time with my LOs than I do now. 

[ecoteat]

When dd was a little baby I would have rather stay home some days, but I found that going to work kept me balanced and sane most of the time. Now that she's older (4.5) I absolutely need to work--for myself. I'm a teacher and it's not just that I happen to have the job teaching in a school. I AM a teacher. I have to teach. When I'm not in the classroom I start to get twitchy. August is a LONG month for me. This long weekend makes me feel out of whack (it certainly doesn't help that we are all sick and I'm dying to get back to routine!). I teach part-time, and have since dd was born, and that if just enough right now. I'm hoping that when she starts K next year I can go back to full time, though.

[Belia]

OMG Yes.  Yes yes yes.  I would SAH in a heartbeat, although that probably speaks more to how much I am HATING my job right now.

But I would still want to send my son to his school PT- he's in the most wonderful Montessori program and he loves it.  He is absolutely thriving there.

And yes I am (quietly) resentful to DH that he doesn't make more money.  Especially since he is in such a dead end job.  If we sold this house I maybe could stay home... 

[MovnMama]

I could never fathom SAH. I would go nuts. I think I'd change my mind if I had, oh, four or five kids. Like if I had twins twice or something, and I was like, woah, plans need to change. But I never envisioned myself as a SAHM, and my mom didn't SAH, and that's just not my worldview.
FTR, I also teach high school. I second that whole "August is really long" comment - summers off is awesome, but I love being in the classroom and developing curriculum and having a positive impact on teens. LOVE IT. LOVE MY JOB. Sure, it's frustrating sometimes. Something is going to frustrate anyone in any job, even SAH. Everyone gets thwarted sometimes, even doing what they love.

I wanted to say that I totally appreciate the "being sole provider" frustration. I don't, however, resent DH about that at all. We've had long discussions, and you can imagine what his earning power must be in his chosen field (cooking) if I'M the breadwinner as a public school teacher. But, he chose his career because he likes it, although he's considering getting non-certified positions in the school district because then we both would have summers off with the family. He also has been very clear that he's NOT defined by his job, and his priority is to have a job, because you should be a productive member of society, but then GO HOME to your family. No 90hrs a week and graduate school for him. Consequently, when someone needs to stay home with DS, it's him, and he's great with DS and happy to do it. And he did it full time for a while there, as a SAHD when DS was a toddler. You need to get out though, at some point. Like a lot of people on this thread have stated, short-term SAH and long-term are two different things. We finally decided that DS does benefit from a great preschool program, and as long as what he makes covers the cost of that program, that's great. So he works part time and also, therefore, takes care of all that mumbo jumbo that some PP were talking about. Like bills, changing oil, laundry, etc. He takes care of all that stuff b/c he's working, like, 3/4 time.

For me, it works out AWESOME. I get to work at a job that I love, come home around 4 and just spend time with DS and DH. We cook dinner together, maybe play some trains or some legos. DS tells us about his day and his friends at school, and his teachers, what they say, etc. If it's nice out, we'll do a short snowshoe outing or something. And I don't have to sweat whether the car insurance was paid on time. Sometimes I have to get grading and planning done after DS is in bed, so I kind of get burnt out on my jobs demands sometimes, but then, there's always summer!

[snarky]

I wish I could have a sabbatical. My daughter just turned 4, such a magical time. If I could send her to preschool part time and stay home the rest, I would be happy as a clam for a few years... then on to the next adventure.

Working has changed the shape of our family as well. If I was home for a few years and then had a flexible schedule, I could have another child. As things stand, my life is full.

That said, I hate my job at the moment and my four year old would be a more mature boss than the guy I have today...

[Quinalla]

Until I got a chance to try it with my daughter for her first four months, I wasn't sure how I would feel. I have always enjoyed my work (sure, I have complaints here and there, but overall I enjoy it) but I wasn't sure if I would fall in love with being a SAHM and have trouble going back. Well, I wasn't one of those moms, I love work and the fulfillment it gives me (not to mention the salary, retirement, benefits, etc.) and I love being a working mom. I don't regret my time with my daughter, though when we have our second, I won't try to stay home longer than 4 months, might even shorten it to 3 months depending on how things are going. And for me, it was a choice, sure we would have had to cut back a little, but we could easily afford to live on DHs salary, but I am a much better mom when I am working. I'm a mechanical engineer working for a small firm, we do mechanical, electrical and plumbing designs for buildings, mostly restaurants. I do wish I had more vacation time available, even unpaid, but otherwise my job is pretty great. My boss is a family guy and very understanding of family needs/emergencies/etc. I have the option to be flexible with my hours to an extent. I do have to travel, but it is 95% day trips, so I start and end my day at home. And until just recently, I was only doing trips that didn't mess up my drop off/pick up schedule, but I'll start going back to more extended travel here now that she is older and not so "I need mom!"

I'm so glad that women really do have a choice now at least culturally, we can stay home or work with only a few disapproving comments either way, but I really feel for folks who don't have a choice because of finances or whatever and aren't happy with what they have to do. Though maybe for the OP a new job with less stress would help. Either way to you!

[alevagon]

i would love to SAH.  however, i have a lot of student loans and i just don't feel right not paying this for myself. hoping to live on one income and use my income to pay off my loans.

[Mosaic]

No, I don't want to SAH.

I'm an environmental scientist and love my job. LOVE it. Sure, I have days, weeks, sometimes even months where I wish I could just stay home and gaze at, kiss on, and giggle with my daughters. But being a SAHM isn't like that: it's cleaning the house, it's being ON 24 hrs/day, feeling the pressure to entertain/educate/love/provide for their every single possible need. To a large extent, that's parenting, I know! But I can't tell you how much I appreciate having others on my parenting team, like daycare teachers and directors, people who have studied this stuff in school, do continuing education, and have experience with dozens of children to help me put things in perspective and see my daughters in a new light sometimes. I'm also a social person who, I'll admit it, needs to feel smart and valued, and SAHMs don't get that appreciation very frequently. I admire how so many SAHparents coordinate classes, playdates, and activities so that they are seldom at home; but I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't do that very well, either.

So while the idea appeals to me on many levels, I know that in the medium and long term, I'm best off working.

[ShadowMoon]

No, I don't want to be a SAHM. Though I did get injured at work this summer and had 4 months off with my son which was great. I just don't think I have what it takes to stay home full-time. I might think differently if I had to put my child in daycare of something like that but DS's father and I work opposite shifts. He gets to stay home with dad, (or his grandparents), and I have him at night.

I love my job and thrive on that time away. I am a zookeeper and love working with animals. I actually hope to get out of the zoo field and work at an animal sanctuary, specifically one for abused farm animals. But either way, I love working with my hands, outside and getting dirty and tired by the end of the day. (and getting paid for it)

[KLM99]

I'm so back and forth on this.  I work full-time (am out of the house approximately 8am to 5:30pm Monday through Friday).  Ideally, I would work part-time, but I haven't found a position to do yet.  On days that I get to stay home (like yesterday!) and take the kids to classes and play together and make dinner in the afternoon while they nap instead of rushing home to order pizza - I'm like YES I would LOVE to stay home.  But then, I really like work...and all the full-time stay at home moms I know certainly don't make it look like a walk in the park - the ones I know (small sample size, but still) are dying for adult interaction and alone time and their houses are a mess and they're worried about money and they don't enjoy playing with the kids as much (I think I enjoy it so much because it's a "treat" for me to get to sit and just PLAY for hours on end).  Not saying anything bad about SAHMs at all, just saying that because I know it would not be nearly as wonderful as I think it would be from this vantage point. 

[nina_yyc]

No I don't want to be a SAHM.  I just want someone exactly like me to come to my house and take care of my kids while I am at work, so I don't have to deal with pickups and drop-offs and car naps and subsequent late bedtimes when I need to be up at 5 for work.  I want this person to take the kids out for activities occasionally, socialize with DD's friends, and also let them have time for unstructured play while taking care of some household chores and planning, so that my family workload need not infringe on my time off or my time at work.  When kindergarten comes up, my daughter would be transported to and from school without any coordinating or effort on my part.  If the children need to be transported somewhere, this person would be perfectly happy to take them on public transit so that I could have the car.  This person would also occasionally mess things up, because I would not want to feel like a bad mom next to a perfect nanny.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc 

No I don't want to be a SAHM.  I just want someone exactly like me to come to my house and take care of my kids while I am at work, so I don't have to deal with pickups and drop-offs and car naps and subsequent late bedtimes when I need to be up at 5 for work.  I want this person to take the kids out for activities occasionally, socialize with DD's friends, and also let them have time for unstructured play while taking care of some household chores and planning, so that my family workload need not infringe on my time off or my time at work.  When kindergarten comes up, my daughter would be transported to and from school without any coordinating or effort on my part.  If the children need to be transported somewhere, this person would be perfectly happy to take them on public transit so that I could have the car.  This person would also occasionally mess things up, because I would not want to feel like a bad mom next to a perfect nanny.

  Your post made me LOL.  Why didn't I think of that!  
 

[c'est moi]

i used to be a part of this forum until becoming a "reluctant SAHM." life circumstances make it so that i need to be home this year. anyhow, now that i'm starting to think about getting back to work, i've been lurking about again. anyhow, i thought you ladies might find the following blog posts relevant to this discussion. i enjoyed reading through the comments section in both posts, but especially the link at scarymommy. many of the salon responses were to snarky for my liking.

http://www.scarymommy.com/to-work-or-not-to-work/

http://www.salon.com/life/real_families/index.html?story=/mwt/pinched/2011/01/05/wish_i_hadnt_opted_out