My cry for help.

[Emmama]

Hello everyone, I am at ends with myself b/c I have become the type of mother I tried so hard to NOT become. I all the time at the way I have been to my children and I would really like your help. I hope this is the right place to go.

I have three kids, 3, 14 mos, and 2 weeks. When dd(3) was a baby, I had plenty of patience and was the mother I want to be again. This was how it was until I was 20 weeks preg with ds2(2 wks). My patience went downhill pretty fast. My ds was not sleeping through the night so I tried the CIO for 5 mins at a time and hated myself for it but kept doing it every now and then. My dd would really test my patience and I would spank her. She still gets spanked and I hate it. I feel so bad and I hate myself for making her cry. My patience is not really there anymore, it seems that the littlest of things set me off and I yell and then spank.

I love my children so much and I want them to look back on their childhood with happiness. I want them to look at me and not worry about making mommy mad.

I really need your help mamas. Thank you.

[sunnmama]

I am a mama of only one, so I have little advice to offer. But I think you need ((((hugs)))) and a reminder that you have 2 (3?) BABIES! in your house and things won't always be this hard!!!! And, at 2 weeks postpartum, you likely are also dealing with hormonal changes. Are you familiar with the signs of PPD?

I have no advice for gently balancing 3 babes, but urge you to get rest and enlist help. We are all more loving and patient mamas when our tanks are fuller, and you are probably running close to empty. Family? Friends? Church? Mother's helper?

edited for clarity

[wonderfulmom]

You just need some help and some rest- sorry I can only give you ((hugs)).
Is there a friend, relative, neighbor- someone you trust who could help a little?

[irishgreengables]

I just want to tell you how ahd of the game you already are. I talk with a lot of moms who see no problem with spanking and yelling etc. and believe it is their right. They have seemingly no reorse. The fact that you do syas myriads about you.

I second the possibiliy of PPD. Can you get in to see your midwife/OB quickly to discuss some of this? Your pediatrician, if decent, might also be able to help. WHen my kids came home through adoption, I suffered some PTSD (traumatic adoption process) and it was actually our pediatrician who connected me to the right people.

Peace,

[famousmockngbrd]

Wow, I get worn out with one 17 month old - I can't fathom trying to meet the needs of a 3 yr. old, a 14 month old and a 2 wk. old! I think anyone would be feeling a little stressed out! If there is nobody around to help, maybe you could hire a teenager to come over for a few hours in the afternoon.

I wish I lived near you, I would take your 3 yr. old and your 14 month old to the park and you could just sit on the couch and enjoy your newborn. I hope you have someone who can do that for you.

Don't beat yourself up over the past. You have enough going on right now without feeling guilty over something you can't do anything about. The important thing is that you want to stop spanking and yelling. And I think you will, because you sound like a caring, thoughtful mama who is stretched a little thin right now.

[China white]

I sooo understand how you feel!

Unfortunately, I am right there with you, Emmama.

When my son was born, I had so much patience. I was determined not to parent the way I had been parented; I would never yell, threaten, or (Heaven forbid) spank. And for the first 2-3 years, I was able to hold onto my ideals. But my son's behavioral issues got the better of me, and now I hardly recognize myself I am in no way blaming my son for my' fall from grace', so to speak - no one is responsible for my actions other than myself. But I *so* want to get back on track, yet I am at a loss as to how to accomplish this.

While this isn't going to solve your dilemma, I think it is important that you recognize the immense physical and emotional strain you are under, mothering three children so close in age. Try to be gentle with yourself - don't beat yourself up if you don't handle a situation quite the way you would have liked. For me, I find that if I can be gentle with myself, I am more likely to be gentle with my children. And while it doen't fix everything, it's a start.

You've probably heard this here a million times already, but just the fact that you are aware of how you want to do things is the first step. Remember, change takes time; we are aware of our short-comings, and we are doing the best we can at the time. When we are able to do better, we will.

I have faith in you, Emmama!

[Graceoc]

I too am in your shoes right now - just with one less child. My ds is almost 4 and dd is almost 2. This past year is seems like eveything I wanted to be is slowly slipping away from me ...I don't even recongize myself anymore. I have been yelling and spanking And I just hate myself for it........Everytime I think I finallly am getting ahold of myself again and have a good 'streak' some little tiny thing just sets me off and the cycle begins again I desperatly need help! I have actually signed up ds for preschool and he starts tommorrow and I may consider a moms moring out program for dd - something I would have NEVER thought I would do. BUt since we moved away from all our family and friends I have no where else to turn and I would rather they be having fun (with a bit of inital saddness) at preschool/MMO they be around me all the time and have to deal with a raging lunitic of a mom.....

[CerridwenLorelei]

Goddess bless you

sweetie I would have a hard time with that many close in age
maybe you could post on the finding a tribe thread to ask around in your area for a good mothers helper?

could you put together some small child safe of course boxes for the 3 and 21 mo old? that could come out only at a certain times so the things in them are special?
Like mommy's 20 min type thing? It isn't much but it might help a little bit

and let the flames begin but maybe every now and then a short video so you can make a cup of tea and regroup? not a regular or even routine thing but here or there ?

I can't explain it but it used to be little things for the yelling too. I had to step back and say 'is this REALLY worth yelling about? It is to scare them or me? does it do any good in the long run? if I yell about the little things will they listen when its big ( ie snake in the road)
I don't know if that helps you any but you can pm me anytime

[CerridwenLorelei]

i wanted to come back

and give you a hug!

[Leonor]

Yes, I'm with the advice to try and find a nice AP mom near you to help for a while. You could also try and ask about specific problems going on so the mommas here can help with ideas?

[Emmama]

Thank you so much mamas for the advice and support. I have been feeling so guilty about it for so long that just getting it out did wonders for me! It made me realize my situation and to not be so hard on myself, which I do too much .

I the mamas here b/c you give such great advice! I go to API meetings here, and the thought to ask them for help never even crossed my mind. Anyway, yesturday one of the ladies watched my two yahoos for an hour and I felt like a new woman! They see it, too cause they have been easier, too.

Thank you SO much mamas!!

[MamaAllNatural]

Poor mama. I can so relate to you. It's the worst feeling in the world when you tell yourself, "This is not the kind of mother I wanted to be." I know I go through that on and off, and like you, I'm really way too hard on myself most of the time. I have 3 children five and under and WOW it can get tough! - but you have 3 kids 3 and under. IMO 3 and 1 are the hardest ages ever! Plus the newborn! You sound like an amazing woman!

I think the best thing for you to do is just take specific problems and post here for advice/tips for how to deal with each one. You're so newly post partum too, you just need to rest. So you rest, we'll think, ok! (I hope that came out the way I meant it )

[Red]

I know, you poor mama's, I really do know.

Now listen! I also know that you're thinking "Oh we can't afford help with the kids." You need to find a teen who can come over once or twice a week, same time every week so you can count on it. You CAN afford it. Give something up.

Get a parenting book, from the library is best. Read it. Do whatever it says. One I read suggested poker chips be given to the kids when they were good, (good for your 3yo) that could be turned in for rewards. One suggested stickers on a chart on the fridge, another coins dropped in a jar. They all worked for a bit and a bit is going to make a big difference.

Go for a walk. Take the kids to the playground and sit on a bench. Pay some little 6th grader a dollar to help your little ones play. Go to church and leave the kiddos in the nursery, it's amazing what an hour of singing and quiet praying can do for your soul.

Know this: It will pass in the blink of an eye. You will look back, in the not so distant future and wish for grandkids!

Be patient with yourselves! You are not perfect! You can only do your best. And for today, just today, promise yourself that you will.

[Suzetta]

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. It is so easy to lose our patience and do the 'easy' thing.

I would suggest that you become more proactive. Reactive discipline is usually controlled by our temper, and fears-not a good plan.

Plan some time in the evening when children are sleeping or with another person, where you can do some journal writing. Write out everything you did that made you feel bad about yourself.

Think about what you can do differently next time when a similar situation comes about. Visualize how you want yourself to be with your children.

When things get out of control, and you feel ready to burst, corral the kids. Put them all in a quiet spot and give yourself some time out.

Remember, children feed off our negative behaviors and feelings. Your daughter may be seeing that you are ready to burst, and acting on that. I am not saying she is manipulating-rather she feels uneasy that you feel uneasy.

You must stay in control of yourself first, before you can get your children to trust that you are in control.

[Leonor]

Get a parenting book, from the library is best. Read it. Do whatever it says.

Mmm... Sorry, but I wouldn't go for this at all. Parenting books tend to be terrible. Specially the ones that teach little tricks to get our children doing what we want. It might work in the short term but it sets up things for disaster later, and then it's a cycle. Training is not a good way to treat a human being. Solving the problems directly it's better, one at a time of course.

I also don't advise teens in the house ALONE. Many teens seek to take care of children for the wrong reasons. I know of cases and there are many stories on the web too. If you are going to leave your children alone, leave them with a trusted family member - the father or trusted grandmother.

It's really better to have other mothers as company. We can chat, kids play together, we tend not to yell in front of others mothers because it's rude.

We have to learn how to live with our children, not to take time off from them. That doesn't make the time with them better. It's like going away on holiday knowing school time will be back! My humble opinion and experience.

[MamaAllNatural]

Originally posted by Suzetta
I Put them all in a quiet spot and give yourself some time out.

I'm sorry, but at least for me, this just does not work. I've tried "giving myself a time out." The kids follow me and even if I lock the door they scream at it and practically try to kick it down! This stresses me out more than anything! I always hear this advice of "giving yourself a timeout" but I wonder how many moms it really works for?

And I find Leanor's comment very refreshing. It's the opposite of what all the books say (and I like that! ).

"We have to learn how to live with our children, not to take time off from them."

[Graceoc]

Well for me it is kind of hard to learn how to live with them when you are 'in the moment' - so some time away to reflect and regroup is EXACTLY what I need!

[sunnmama]

Originally posted by Leonor
We have to learn how to live with our children, not to take time off from them. That doesn't make the time with them better.

I don't think it is necessary, but it certainly does help me to restore patience and fully enjoy my time *with* dd. I teach 2 nights a week, and that break from being Mommy is incredibly refreshing, energizing, and enjoyable for me. And I do believe it helps me be a better Mommy when I am with dd. I return ready to meet her needs. I don't need time away from her, but I benefit from it--and I believe she does, too.

[Red]

Originally posted by Leonor
Mmm... Sorry, but I wouldn't go for this at all. Parenting books tend to be terrible. Specially the ones that teach little tricks to get our children doing what we want. It might work in the short term but it sets up things for disaster later, and then it's a cycle. Training is not a good way to treat a human being. Solving the problems directly it's better, one at a time of course.

In most circumstances, I'd agree. But this mom is in crisis, now ! A few tricks can get you through the tough times.

I agree that none of these books offer long-term solutions for most of us. But imagine your response being to spank your child, and then to feel guilty and to repeat it the next day. Much better to give the kid a poker chip for being a good boy, making yourself a cup of tea and turn on a video.

As for the school break analogy...what, no vacation! Sheesh, sure you gotts go back, but that always just made the days away (from school) that much sweeter. A break with other moms is nice. A break by yourself can leave you feeling like a new mom.

That's what I think.

[gardeningmom]

You must me exhausted with three little ones so close in age.

I agree with whoever mentioned taking a break if you can get some help, or at least get a little nap. A newborn is exhausting enought with out two toddlers to keep track of.