Need ides to not lose patience and get frustrated.

[Shy0717]

A little background about us.  DS will be 18 months old on the 21st and is VERY VERY spirited and strong willed.  He's very busy and is on the move almost the entire time he is awake.  He's perfectly capable of playing alone for long (30-45 min) periods of time and overall is an intelligent, loving and caring boy.  DH is currently deployed so its just ds and I and I work full time nights 3 nights a week.  The older ds has gotten the more I've struggled with wanting to spank.  I'm very aware that its not for discipline purposes but more out of frustration/anger....when I'm at the end of my rope so to speak.  For the record I've never spanked ds just have the urge to...often.  I'm sure part of this is due to my own upbringing and having to fight to break that cycle.  We can be having a great day and a meltdown about something minute can just frustrate me to no end.  I know its not his fault.  He's being a toddler and learning to be more opinionated about what he wants but I have no idea how to curb my frustration and be more patient with him.  I find myself snapping at him and raising my voice more than I should.  I have started walking away if he melts down and i'm starting to get frustrated but that just ends with a crying baby and a crappy feeling mama and no real resolution to the problem.  I guess I'm just wondering if this is normal or perhaps I'm the only person having a hard time with the toddler transition.  Thanks in advance.

[MrsH]

You are decidedly NOT the only one!  I'm surprised nobody wrote you back, but maybe it's because we all feel like we don't really know the answer about how to not get frustrated.  I know that I don't... Especially since your DH is deployed, I'm sure that adds a tremendous amount of stress.  There are a few things that have helped me, see if there's something there that you'd like to try:

• I'm always reading at least one book that is grounded in more gentle disciplining approaches.  I think there's a recent thread on here about book recommendations.
• A book about anger that's helped me is She's Gonna Blow.  It is heavily based in Christian belief so that may or may not work for you.
• I just found this Manifesto of Joyful Parenting http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/11/10-point-manifesto-of-joyful-parenting-free-printable/.  I actually tacked it up on my mirror to remind me.
• I also carry bible verses (could be any quotes meaningful to you) in my purse.  I just write them out on index cards as I see them/think of them.  We also have a quote in the upstairs bathroom that helps me, and a little inspiration book in the downstairs bathroom.  All help me to take a deep breath when I'm really frustrated with the kids. 
• I've done (and continue to do) quite a bit of work at processing my own experiences as a child.  While my upbringing was fairly benign, I still have all sorts of triggers that stem from childhood.  Recognizing them has been helpful, and now I can (sometimes) remind myself that it's not my son that's making me mad, it's that I feel disrespected and that's a trigger for me, something for me to work on. 
• Identifying the time(s) of day that are most difficult and then creating a planned response to those has been enormously helpful for me.  For a while, it was getting out of the house.  So I worked at getting all the stuff together the night before so that in the morning I wasn't such a stress basket when there was a refusal to put a shirt on, and instead I could just spend time with the child and make a game out of it.  With the baby, we've recently had issues around her putting her coat on.  The solution I found was to have two coats on her hooks that are both acceptable (warm enough) and letting her choose.  All other coats are inside the closet and only come out when the weather is warmer.  But this isn't stuff I can really come up with in the moment very well, it's stuff that I stew over at night, and/or pose here on the forums, and then make a deliberate plan to work on that one section of the day.  As I've done that more and more, I do feel like my ability to come up with stuff in the moment has improved.

Those are my suggestions.  Coping with these feelings of exasperation and anger is the hardest thing I've ever done. I still work on it every single day and often blow it, but it is definitely getting less and less frequent. 

All the best!  And please don't think even for a second that you're the only one.  It's just that many people don't talk about it!

[faithrainbow]

This is a kind of silly suggestion, but it can work:  try pretending he's a friend's kid that you're watching.  We often have more patience with other people's kids, because they don't 'push our buttons' in the same sort of way.

Also, when everything a kid does annoys me and everything turns into a power struggle, I'll do a week-long Pour In the Love campaign (I have a home daycare).  I make a conscious effort to just pour love into that child.  If they are throwing a little fit, I'll pour on compassion and empathy.  If they're doing something they enjoy, and I'll actively let them know that I'm enjoying their enjoyment (through laughter, eye contact, physical affection).  When I want to yell at them I sing a song, and when I want to shake them I give them a hug and pour in the love.  The first day it feels really fake and annoying, but the second day I start to remember how we used to actually have fun together, and by the end of the week, a lot of the power struggles have melted away and I find myself getting annoyed a lot less.  I've done this campaign at least half a dozen times, and it's amazing to me how it can work.

And, don't forget to take time for yourself.  I find that when I'm well-rested and have enough social time with other adults, I love my time with the kids.  But when I don't get enough sleep or I start feeling 'trapped' with toddlers, everything starts annoying me.

[chaoticzenmom]

Yes, it's normal.  I'm on my 4th 2yo (21mo) and it's exhausting.  I'll tell him "argh, why are you acting like a 2yo!"  and it helps me see that he is, in fact, acting his age.  He HAS to do these things for growth to happen for him.  He's supposed to have energy and experiment and throw tantrums and assert himself.  He has no choice and it's good for him to do it.

When we get tantrums, I'll just sit down on the floor, right there and either hold him if he'll allow or try to talk to him to get to what he wants.  I try to verbalize it for him "You wanted that knife, but knives can hurt you, so let's play with this spoon instead."  I try to figure out what he wants and help him get it.  He wants the blue cup instead of the red, give him the blue cup.  He wanted to turn on the light and you did it for him...turn it off and let him do it.  He wants a piece of candy, decide if he can have it and if not, put it out of his sight/reach and find something else for him to distract him. 

I'm not that much of a gentle discipliner, but I do respect tantrums.  I hate the feeling of being helpless and that's how I view tantrums...as the child rebelling against the helpless feeling.  So, I try to really get to the root of it and work it out with them.

[Nansense]

You definitely are not alone!! I've noticed that every so often one of us posts an "I'm frustrated" thread and lots jump in to commiserate. And I just booted my kids out the door to play - and give myself a break!

For the 2yo stage (mine are 4&5 boys) I think the biggest thing I learned was to stop what I was trying to do. Forget cleaning the house that day or whatever you had on YOUR agenda and just sit with him. Play with him, watch him, just be there, but don't be doing your own list. Always try to plan ahead - yes, easier said than done, but whatever issue you have today, see how you can do it differently so ds is better. Here's my list:

1. Food & sleep for both of you. Is he hungry, tired? And you, working nights, you probably are! Mine eat every 2hrs, sometimes every 1hr!

2. Going to a store: I assume you have child care help since you work nights, so I'd do quick runs into stores right before or after work as much as possible so you don't have to take ds. If he is with you, I STILL talk through what we're going to do and his behavior. "We walk through the parking lot holding mommy's hand; and you will sit in the cart, etc..."

3. If you need to get somewhere first thing in the am, have him sleep in street clothes so you eliminate a getting dressed struggle.

4. Lower your expectations of what you want him to do. I drove myself nuts thinking (because I read, heard it) that a 2yo should be cleaning up his toys, eating cleanly, dressing self, etc.. Now I think it's too young to have those expectations. Better to minimize the number of toys he has and store most so he only plays with a few - minimizes the mess! ;) - then rotate them weekly or monthly. I know it's stressed to parents to let their kid pick up so they learn, but seriously, at 2yo, if its a whole room/ many toys just do it because it's much easier on you, he can pick up one or two, but don't expect him, to do it all - you'll drive yourself nuts.

Lastly, even at that young age, occassionally, I let my kids watch a small portion of Super Nanny or some other show with kids and when the kids weren't behaving, I'd tell mine that that's what they look like when they're having a tantrum or not behaving. To my amazement, they got it. They saw it and had no idea that's what they looked like.

Good luck, and really, really ease up on yourself and expectations. You have lots to handle with dh gone (mine's retired Army) and remember to make yourself and ds laugh each day if you can. And if you can't - one of THOSE days - after yelling at ds, talk it out with him before bed, you'll feel better. Hugs!