Don't beat yourself up. Do not feel like a failure. You HAVE BEEN KICKING ASS to pump and keep up!
This won't be popular opinion... but I know I was there... and I was tired of everyone making me feel like a heathen, because I was slowly starting to pump less and less, because DS refused to nurse, and I just could not keep up. I was going out of my mind from no sleep and anxiety of fitting in pumping while trying to care for two little ones.
DS went to full formula last week. I battled depression and SERIOUS Mama guilt over it and kept pushing and pushing... until I just couldn't do it anymore.
So please. Be gentle with yourself. Not everyone is given the best circumstances to work with. *hugs* It's OKAY to do what is best for your sanity, and a more sane and happy Mama is ultimately the BEST for your baby. *hugs*
It's motherhood, not martyrdom. We want to be perfect. We want the perfect birth, the problem-free BFing relationship, and it doesn't always happen. That doesn't make us a failure. If you've done your best and it isn't working for you, IT'S OKAY. Let that guilt go. It has taken me 2 years to get beyond the guilt of my emergen-c-section and DD's NICU stay, so I know it's not easy. But you have to make the decision that's right for your family, and whatever that is, be at peace with it.
Phoenix Mama, let go of that guilt. You did an awesome job for your little one.