Five year old refuses to say thank you

[SundayCrepes]

We were at the park today and I learned my son's friend would be giving him a gift she had made and I felt nauseous. I knew he would fail to say thank you.

He has learned to say thank you for the normal little day to day stuff like handing him a cup of juice (and if he doesn't all you have to say is, "Manners?" and he'll say thank you.) However, when his grandmother sends him $5 in a holiday card it is a huge ordeal to get him to call her to say thank you. Same with gifts. Last year for Christmas we had to tell him he could not open another gift until he told everyone thank you. Once he did that then he was fine and politely said thank you for each gift.

I don't know what to do. I am so annoyed with him right now.

So the gift from his friend? She made a leaf person so that she would always be with him. What an intimate gift and he wouldn't even say thank you. At that point my main concern was for her. To at least get some sort of thank you out of him. I took him aside. I'd already told him we'd stop at the drive thru on the way home and get juice. I told him I would not do that unless he told her thank you. Except he was whining and crying, "I don't feel good. I need you to carry me." 

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I did just get him to call her and say Thank you. He was very quiet and not natural, but at least he was civil. She was great going on about how they'll always be best friends and such.

Have other people had similar issues and what have you done?

Thanks in advance

[LianneM]

I'm sorry, it sounds like this is something that really bothers you. :(

I would not push it with him, at all.  I'd just tell the person "thank you" from me.  Same with calling - I'd call to say thank you. 

I know it's a big thing with what other people think, and feel, but receiving an unfeeling "thank you" from a child is not something I want.

This is the same as "sorry" for me and I treat it the same way.

[Bokonon]

It sounds like he might just be a little shy.  My 5yo often forgets to say thank you, so I just remind him often, and thank him and try to model the behavior.  I don't think it's that unusual for a 5yo to forget, and to be pressured into saying it may just cause embarrassment.

[Spring Lily]

Have you talked to him about what it's like to give a gift and not hear thank you?  Maybe it will help him understand it better if he sees the purpose in it more.  Otherwise, as a PP mentioned, it's an empty word like "sorry" can be. 

I wouldn't push it to the point where he's uncomfortable and upset about it, either.  I'd just continue working on thank you, making sure you say it a lot too.  Also, when I say thank you to my kids, I often add a little bit about my appreciation, so they can associate the real meaning with the words.  Like, if my DD helps me clear the table, and I say "Thank you for helping me with this!  It makes me really happy when I have someone help me with the work after dinner."  I think the meaning--the gratitude and appreciation--is more important to teach than the words.

[Storm Bride]

DD1 was like this until about a year ago (she's 7.5). She had a real issue with saying it, and was very embarrassed by the whole thing, for some reason. I never made a big point of it around other people. I'd say "thank you" for her, and we had ongoing conversations about people making an effort to find/make her something that she'd enjoy, and that it wasn't very gracious to frown at them or refuse to say "thank you". (I still don't know why this embarrassed her so much - she has/had similar trouble with apologizing, especially when she knew was in the wrong.)

Both phrases are coming more easily to her these days, and she's generally very sweet and polite. I think the more formal stuff is just harder for some kids to become comfortable with, yk? I don't think getting upset about will help, though...

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

DD1 was like this until about a year ago (she's 7.5). She had a real issue with saying it, and was very embarrassed by the whole thing, for some reason. I never made a big point of it around other people. I'd say "thank you" for her, and we had ongoing conversations about people making an effort to find/make her something that she'd enjoy, and that it wasn't very gracious to frown at them or refuse to say "thank you". (I still don't know why this embarrassed her so much - she has/had similar trouble with apologizing, especially when she knew was in the wrong.)

Both phrases are coming more easily to her these days, and she's generally very sweet and polite. I think the more formal stuff is just harder for some kids to become comfortable with, yk? I don't think getting upset about will help, though...

Same deal here with my DD. She is 7.5 too. Something about it caused anxiety. I guess the expectation and having a spot light on her to perform something. Even just those two little words.

 

[pregnant@40]

My son is 6, and finally let me know that saying "thank you" makes him feel really shy. I even suggested role playing w/ him for future thank you events, and he wants to do it. Could you try that? In the meantime, I think people understand that 5 is really young. You may have to help them a bit. In the meantime, your kid can draw a picture of appreciation on a thank you card instead?

[D_McG]

Would he be willing to write a thank you note/picture?  When my son was younger he was too shy to say TY and I'd say it for him.  Now (4.5) he's a little more confident so he'll say it (and at home he doesn't get anything unless he says it.  I've taken his breakfast back into the kitchen and left it on the counter for him to retrieve himself because he didn't say thank you).  But if it was becoming a big deal with friends then maybe saying TY in his own way might help?

[jeteaa]

For situations like this, I think the best way to get him to want to say thank you it to experience the opposite. If you can get him busy working hard on a craft, have him give it to a "person in the know" and have that person not say thank you to your son. Hopefully, he will then understand WHY we all say thank you.

[mainemommy1]

My son is 5.5 and up until he was about 5, he was the same way. he has always been VERY shy and so for the longest time he signed the sign for Thank You and then I'd follow up with " that is sign language for thank you." Now he says it without any issues but he will sometimes sign yes or no when he is feeling shy and being asked yes or no questions (like at the dr's office or around grown ups he doesn't know)

[kittykat2481]

My youngest sister is 5 years old, and she can be the same way. When it's time for her to leave and go home she also won't say "I love you" or "Thank you for having me over" or anything like that. I really think the issue is that she feels in the spotlight at that moment and just gets painfully shy. She has no problem showing me affection during the course of our time together, but if anyone makes a big deal over it, she shuts down. I still encourage her and hope that she outgrows it with time. I think the idea of a thank you note is perfect. Maybe take some of the pressure off, while still showing gratitude. And btw,  what a sweet little friend he has!

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by kittykat2481 

And btw,  what a sweet little friend he has!

When he called her to say "Thank you" she was so exuberant about how she loved him and they'd always be friends that he got REALLY shy. I let it pass because he did try and I could sense his discomfort.

Thanks all for the ideas. I really like the idea of sending a thank you note. I can see him feeling shy. I also know he can just be obnoxiously rude sometimes. Sending a thank you note would address however he might be feeling while also instilling the importance of appreciation and gratitude.

I also wonder if this was compounded by the fact that he didn't like what she gave him. I think it's totally adorable and LOVE the sentiment behind it. To him it's just some leaves glued together.

[AllisonR]

DS is 6. After dinner every night he says "thank you for the meal". Local custom. But that's at home and a comfortable routine. Being asked to say "thank you" to other people makes him clam up and get shy. And if I force it (and threatening not to do XYZ later or bribing with PDQ later is force imo), then he gives an angry or sarcastic or flat and phony "thank you." I don't think I do him or the other person any favors by forcing it.

DS will occasionally say thank you on his own, without being forced. You can hear the difference. And it feels so much better to get one of these true thank yous! So I let it go, choosing only to model the behavior instead. So I say thank you when someone does something nice for me, and he can see and hear that. I could say "it is nice to say thank you when you receive a gift, it makes the other person feel happy.... " but I would do this after the fact, not in front of the other person.

IMO, Model the behavior and it will come naturally. Force it and you get a forced "thank you" which sounds phony, and actually feels as bad for the person saying it, as well as the person hearing it. I don't think anyone learns true thanks that way. 

[lucyem]

If my kids are being shy or whatever I always remind them to say thank you and then I thank the person too on behalf of my kids.  At 8 my oldest says it most of the time on his own but being a kid he can get sidetracked like at the end of a playdate.  My 5 yr old does get shy and cannot say anything at times.  I just do my thing "DS say Thank you!" give him a moment where he does or does not say it and then I say "thank you".  It is obvious he is being shy because he usually has his face partially hidden.  Parents understand.  As for grandparents sending presents we draw pictures as a thank you and eventually as they get older work into an actual written thank you card.