Grief from family members over homebirth - Page 2

[samhope]

This is a great homebirth 101 video that my friend did with my midwife:)

Wish there was a video that gave the basics about home birth to those CNN
bloggers?
 

Now there is: HomeBirth 101, a video made for people who want the basics. This
is a 6 minute film starring Cindy Haag, shot and edited by Beth Rago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rB0y6mcXVRU

 

[HappyWoman]

We went through a very similar situation with my parents (both medical professionals) not agreeing with our birthing choices, so I can relate. I contemplated not telling them about our plans, but that didn't feel right to me, and they asked a lot of questions. I ended up telling them, and they surprised me in that they weren't very negative (to me anyway, I heard later that they told my sisters that they thought we were crazy.)

The last few weeks of the pregnancy my parents got very anxious and they asked for daily updates. They wanted to know how I was and when I was going into labor. I didn't want them to worry about me, but I also didn't want to call them (or have them call us.) during the birth. My husband came up with the perfect solution: text messaging. Every day during the last week or two of the pregnancy I either called them, e-mailed them, or texted that I was fine, and that I was still not in labor.

Once I was almost done with labor, my husband started sending out brief texts (ie she is in labor, heartbeat is normal, everything is fine.) The beauty of text messaging is that he was able to send it out to multiple people: his parents, my parents, my sisters, a few close friends, in just a few seconds. We asked people to NOT CALL us, and that we would try to update them every few hours, and not to worry if they didn't hear anything for a few hours. We also sent up a phone tree prayer list so that others would be notified too. I felt very supported knowing that my family and friends were all thinking about me and praying for me. It was very sweet. At one point, in between contractions, my DH said to me, "your dad says you're doing great!!" DH didn't spend too much time texting; it was only a few short ones, and it wasn't distracting for me.

We continued the text message thing for the next few weeks. We sent out little updates (ie breastfeeding is going well, DS is gaining weight, we're sleeping more, etc.) to help them feel included, and it reduced our phone time, which was helpful to preserve our energy.

Two months after our DS's birth, my sister had a baby and they sent out text messages to us during the birth. It was great to be on the receiving end of the texts. We felt included and connected to them, without actually being there.

[ShelliLynnB]

Wow, it never even occurred to me to NOT tell my mother (who would go through the roof) or to not tell other family/friends that I plan on having an HB this summer for our first child.  But hearing others' stories makes it sound like something to consider.

Just the other day I got a really negative response from a friend when I told her my HB plans and it took me by surprise.  But I guess to those that didn't think twice about going straight to the hospital for their births, not doing so would sound dangerous and stupid.  Since I don't need to have any more responses like that, I think I'll stop telling people my plans.

I still feel that I have to let my mom know so if she makes the 16-hour-one-way drive to where we live she won't freak out when she realizes we're not packing up for the hospital.  But I'll also let her know that she needs to behave herself and respect my wishes or she'll be barred from the house during the delivery.

[Italiamom]

Becoming a parent means learning to put the needs and wishes of YOUR family first - you, your partner, your child.  It's one of the great/terrible transitions of parenthood.  For many years "my family" meant my parents and me.  DH and I had our own little unit, of course, but two adults can be pretty flexible.  Extended family gets used to it, and then suddenly... baby.

Stepping into the role of mother bear can be daunting.  And yes, feelings of moms and dads and in-laws often get hurt.  It's part of becoming a parent to begin advocating for your wishes as a parent.  I've found that when I compromise with others on my parenting, I always regret it.  But as hard as it is standing up for my wishes, if I suck it up and do it, I haven't regretted it thus far.  My mama gut hasn't been wrong yet.

You aren't just a daughter anymore.  You're becoming a mother.  And part of becoming a mother means taking charge of what YOU feel is best for your child and your family.

I would nip the "being at the birth" problem in the bud really quickly.  Let her know that you've discussed it, and it's just going to be you and your partner, and it isn't up for debate.  She might be hurt, but I think that any mother can also respect that a mother has to do what she thinks is best.  She'll get over it, I promise.  I would get that out of the way first, though, before you address the homebirth.  Just my 2 cents...