I'm just putting this out there because I feel a little desperate and I don't know where to start.
I'm sure my struggle is really common.
I'm a SAHM to a great 10 month old boy. I'm just feeling so......we'll I hardly even know what I'm feeling.
We moved to a new town in September where I have no friends or family, it rains more here so it's not fun to get out as much, and I just feel so blah. In the past we've always quickly made our friends in some church related group, but I'm going through a time of rethinking my faith right now.
I wish I had something else going on in my life to think about. I'm an artist and a creative right brained person, so just getting a part time job is not what will fulfill me. I'm so jealous of my husband. He has an important job and works with important people and goes out to lunch with co-workers. He tries, but he can't really understand how I feel, because staying at home with the baby sounds like bliss to him. He always encourages me to get out of the house in the evenings, sign up for something, or try something that will make me happy. He's always willing to take care of the baby. About once a week I go to a coffee shop to think, read, journal....but it just feels like damage control...regaining just enough sanity to get through the next few days...maybe having some interesting thoughts here and there, but never really soaring.
I just feel lost and don't know where to start. I feel like I'm constantly searching for something, my identity, ...my purpose. During my day with the baby, I don't feel very present because my brain is constantly trying to think of something to fill this gap. I've thought of a few ideas, but I wonder where I'll find the time or energy. Some random ideas have been things like learning body henna and doing pregnant belly henna, cooking blog, fertility related blog, taking a class, getting an herbalist certification, learning block printing, some sort of pregnancy portraits, somehow making a difference in people's lives, and teaching in some capacity. I want to feel important, valuable, talented, and smart.
On top of feeling isolated and missing my friends and family, I feel tied down. I don't like the idea of hiring a random babysitter and I my milk supply is just hanging in there, so I don't have a good reserve in the freezer.
I know that if I can develop something else in my life, I can be a better more present mom. At least that's what friends have told me has happened for them. I wonder if there are any books that might help me.
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...after reading through this, it's obvious that I need to try to make friends and start making some art. (I think I'm doing the mom martyr thing too because I don't want to spend any "fun" money on myself when there are groceries and diapers to buy.)
...but I'm still going to press submit...because I could still use some words. Thanks.
Edited by GuavaGirl - 12/15/10 at 8:18am