I'm broken tonight. Just need some hugs and encouragement from bt/dt.

[Thandiwe]

I am really sad and broken tonight.  I relived so much of what just happened reading through material I wrote the last week before she left and talked myself through all that happened.  I have been in shock until just a couple days ago (one week ago yest, dfd left after 2.5 years in our care, the entire time she was in placement since 4 weeks old - now family has refused contact/visitation with us).  And now that the shock is wearing off, this terrible grief and sadness is left behind.  I can't bring myself to look into her room, say her name, think about her, look at anything that was hers, or anything that makes me think about it.  It was the most awful thing I've ever done, compounded by the way her family behaved that morning.

I am so sad and broken right now.  I miss her so much.

[DTmama1]

Hugs and love to you.  I wish I couldn't say that I've been there, but I have.  If you need anything, send me an email or I can send you my number over PM as well.  

[Polliwog]

Oh sweetie.  I'm sorry that the reality is setting in.  You know you can PM/FB me, too.  I've never been there but I've followed your story since the beginning.  Parental rights should have been terminated like you were told way back then.  This child was yours, even though she wasn't legally.  And the fact that her mother is your childhood best friend has to make all of this so much harder.  (((HUGS.)))

[eloise24]

I'm so sorry.  I can imagine you feel like a child has just died :(  I hope you can find the time and space to grieve.

Erika

[WifeMomChiro]

I am so sorry.  Big hugs and peace to you.

[SundayCrepes]

My daughter is 28 months. I can't imagine if she were taken away from me.

I have been avoiding your thread because it hurts me so bad to know what happened to you. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Which is why I finally looked at this and responded. The pain you are going through is beyond my comprehension and I wanted you to know I am in terrible pain for you.

It's just not right.

[tiffani]

oh my god, I am so, so sorry, and in tears right now for your broken heart.  I haven't even read your other thread yet, just resurfacing here on mdc and saw this and had to express my total and utter shock and sadness that your little girl is gone from your family.   so much love and wish for a peaceful heart for you and yours, including baby girl. 

off to read your detailed thread, know that I'm right here with you, and grieving for you tonight. :( :hug

[Thandiwe]

Thank you.   With each day, the sadness sets in a little more.  We get a better grasp on reality, so it's not as suffocating.  I had a lot of panic/anxiety in the time surrounding the awful event, but now the urgency has left and it's just this hole.

What hurts so horrifically is what she must feel.  We have a picture of her that morning.  She refused to eat or drink.  She was so sad.  She didn't want to be out of our arms.  Her picture is just so sad.  And I think about how we just fell out of her life one day and she never came back home.  She must think about it.  She's 2.5, will be exactly 2.5 on the 21st.  She must think in clear thoughts, right?  She must at least feel sadness at the loss of what she knew as normal.  There wasn't much of a transition, only 3 sets of overnight visits, before the move.  Whenever she would come home, she would have to transition, but then she was happy again.  This was the place she identified as home.  And now it's gone.

How can we be allowed as a civilized nation to do this to our children?  It was like she didn't matter to anyone: the social workers, the referee, the official judge, the prosecutors who (minimally) interacted with the case, her attorney, her parent's attorneys.  They all went home to their children and what mattered most to them, and it was like her life wasn't worth it enough to them.  They would never dream of doing this to their own kids, but it was okay to this one.  She must be a rejected child to them - less than equal to their children.  I have so many choice words for them.  It's NOT FAIR!  Kids should never be put through this.  If a parent can't get their s*** together after 2.5 years, I don't care how marginally they start to.  They don't deserve the right to yank their children from a home they have come to know and love, esp when she was only 4 weeks old - that's all she ever knew.  The rights of the parents should be term'ed on sooner so that this can't happen.  Come to think of it, haven't we created laws so this WON'T happen??  It's not fair to kids to do this.  If they can't get it, they lose.  Period.  No iffy stuff.  By this length of time, a case should be termed just on default.

Oh yeah, that's right: the state DID try to end it.  Three times just in the last 12 months.  But the ridiculous judge/referees wouldn't uphold it.  What a flipping mess.  Something needs to be done, and I am getting to a place where I can start thinking of how to mobilize to TRY to effect change.  No other child should EVER have to go through this.

Anyone have any ideas on what I should do from here to try to advocate for change, following the written laws?

[SundayCrepes]

I didn't post this earlier because I didn't want to add to your pain, but really, it's her pain that hurts me most. My daughter is 2.5. I can't imagine someone doing this to her.

My heart is broken for her. 

Idiots.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by Thandiwe 

Anyone have any ideas on what I should do from here to try to advocate for change, following the written laws?

BECOME A CASA ADVOCATE!!!!

You have no idea how they can change the direction of a child's life.  There aren't nearly enough of them!!  

http://www.casaforchildren.org/

Whether you have 5 hours/month or 50--you can help.  They will train you and hold your hand--ANYONE CAN DO IT!

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg 

Originally Posted by Thandiwe 

Anyone have any ideas on what I should do from here to try to advocate for change, following the written laws?

BECOME A CASA ADVOCATE!!!!

You have no idea how they can change the direction of a child's life.  There aren't nearly enough of them!!  

http://www.casaforchildren.org/

Whether you have 5 hours/month or 50--you can help.  They will train you and hold your hand--ANYONE CAN DO IT!

HeatherDeg, you'll be proud of me... I have a packet of info in my bills inbox on my wall that just came in the mail this past week.  That is on my to-do list this weekend to fill out and prep to send back.  If it can impact ONE case, I want to do it.  Anything to push the ball back into the right direction.

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by Polliwog 

Oh sweetie.  I'm sorry that the reality is setting in.  You know you can PM/FB me, too.  (((HUGS.)))

Thank you, Polliwog.  You have been a huge source of strength.  I am blessed to have met so many wonderful people along this journey.

[tiffani]

she will grieve, and she will hurt, and she will likely miss you and want you back. But kids are so amazingly resilient, I can hardly believe how quickly they can adjust to new circumstances. It makes sense, really, from a biological perspective, but it still amazes me. she has been blessed with a strong little human spirit, bolstered all the more by being in your loving arms for the last 2.5 years, and she will be fine. does she have ongoing social worker visits, etc? can you keep in touch with those in charge of her case and make sure they know you are there for her? can you extend an olive branch to her mother to at least keep in the loop? I know that's rather unlikely, but it sounds like her mother was still somewhat friendly toward you? and now that she has "won" maybe she will at least give you updates? I know it would be painful, and I would understand not being able to have contact with her at all, but maybe if you mend that fence you'll at least feel better knowing that if her mother falls off the deep end, you're there for her? love and strength and peace to you and yours...

[christophersmom]

 I am so sad for you and so sad for that little girl.

I don't think it is reasonable to yank a child out of a home they have known for 2.5 years, I think the parents are selfish, not that it would have helped your grief, but they needed to transition better. Good luck in becoming a CASA volunteer, I loved my GAL.

[Thandiwe]

Tiffani, thank you for your kind words.  That does bring me hope for her.  The social worker is done in a few weeks with the case, and then for a month more there will be a service coming in to check on them, so hopefully that will be better.  Honestly, I'm most concerned about what happens once there's no involvement, since she's had a ball and chain for nearly 4 years now (this wasn't the first case, there was another prior to this that ended a mere 2 months prior to Princess' birth).  I don't have a good feeling about that sudden "freedom" as well as the corresponding birth and therefore "bodily" freedom.  Historically, that's never a good time for her.  The case workers won't keep in touch because it's "breaking confidentiality" and I'm no longer in the case.  I haven't asked, but I have a friend who just went through this last summer with the exact same county, and this is what happened to her.

I did try to mend the fence with mom.  I contacted her via text (our usual way to communicate), and apologized for the ways I have hurt her feelings over the last two years and offered to make peace.  She refused to respond, as she has since the pick-up two weeks ago today.  She is slamming the door.  Honestly, she has never valued our friendship and therefore isn't losing anything by leaving me in the dust.  I do care deeply about her, but in a very honest sense, it has been a very selfish relationship on her part.  I have mostly followed her over the years because of the kids.  She has never made the effort towards me (or anyone else) and was never willing to drive to me; we always had to do everything - very one-sided.  She is a very self-centered person.  :(  So, she stands to lose nothing by not keeping in touch.  It saddens me deeply, but I am grateful that I had the time I had with Princess.  I hope she is not completely skewed to hate me and my husband when she's older.  I hope one day, when she's older, she finds us and we can give her all the pieces to the first two and a half years we have been holding onto for her.  We have pictures, clothes, momentos, all the pieces of an infancy.  I hope she doesn't come to hate us over the stuff her family says/does.  That will hurt, but I do realize I have no control over it. 

Originally Posted by tiffani 

she will grieve, and she will hurt, and she will likely miss you and want you back. But kids are so amazingly resilient, I can hardly believe how quickly they can adjust to new circumstances. It makes sense, really, from a biological perspective, but it still amazes me. she has been blessed with a strong little human spirit, bolstered all the more by being in your loving arms for the last 2.5 years, and she will be fine. does she have ongoing social worker visits, etc? can you keep in touch with those in charge of her case and make sure they know you are there for her? can you extend an olive branch to her mother to at least keep in the loop? I know that's rather unlikely, but it sounds like her mother was still somewhat friendly toward you? and now that she has "won" maybe she will at least give you updates? I know it would be painful, and I would understand not being able to have contact with her at all, but maybe if you mend that fence you'll at least feel better knowing that if her mother falls off the deep end, you're there for her? love and strength and peace to you and yours...