DH dismissing my feelings about IL's

[tsfairy]

I'm really not a stickler about food. We eat healthy, but I don't begrudge my kids junk food now and then. However, we have some allergy issues and we're strictly gluten-free since finding out that DS and I are severely intolerant. On this one thing I will not budge, since DS and I both experience severe neurological issues when we consume gluten.

We visited the IL's last week and MIL cooked something that contained gluten. I refused to eat it or feed it to the kids (in a very respectful and non-confrontational manner - I simply took the kids' plates into the kitchen and got them something else to eat.) FIL flipped his lid. His last words to me were, "Just don't bother coming anymore!"

FIL's implication was DH could bring the kids and leave me at home.  Now this is actually something that DH commonly does, about once a week, and I have never had an issue with DH taking the kids over there. The kids have fun and I get a break. But apparently DH just lets his parents do all the parenting when he's there. Hm no wonder they enjoy being there so much, they can eat what they want and watch Nickelodeon all day. To my knowledge they don't feed the kids gluten, but DS generally takes a day or two to decompress after a day at the IL's, so I'm never sure. 

Last week after the big blowup I told DH in no uncertain terms that I didn't like the way his father treats him or us, and after I was effectively banned from their home I will not be going back or allowing my children to go there without me until I get an apology from FIL.  I thought I made this very clear. I've been putting up with FIL's crap for so many years. He has zero respect for us as adults and he thinks that his opinion is law and this is not the first issue we've had. I've even let it go when he's said things to my kids that I didn't like, all in the interest of family harmony. I really am happy that my kids love their grandparents and see them regularly, but I will not let FIL verbally abuse us. 

Today DH went shopping with his mom and came home announcing the plans they made for us to go over there Christmas eve. Seriously? He says we should just let it go, that his dad is "just like that." Well, yes I know he's like that, but he needs to change or at least acknowledge his behavior. In letting this behavior continue despite his words and actions to me, I feel like DH is putting his relationship with his parents above his relationship with me and the kids. 

Am I wrong? DH is pretty upset, but I just don't feel like I can budge on this one. What do I do?

[weliveintheforest]

That's a hard one. I would expect to at least talk about what happened before going over there.  It may only be one incident after many, but he was totally out of line to expect you and the kids to eat gluten when it is well known by the ILs that gluten is not okay.  I would not be able to get past it so easily, and I would be upset if my dh expected me to.

[mattemma04]

It was inappropriate for dh to make these plans knowing there were issues that needed to be resolved before going. I would not go. I might let dh go with the kids,but I  would not have anything to do with people who treat me poorly. If dh can not stand up to his parents then he atleast needs to accept that YOU have.

It is wrong for him to try to make you feel guilty about how you have decided to handle the situation with the ILs. You could turn around and do the same to him,but as a mature adult you already know that is not the way to go.

So if he wants to put up with it that is fine,but he needs to stop nagging you to do the same when you no longer want too.This situation goes beyond FILs one comment.There are a few issues with the ILs that center around the grandkids. If they are not resolved there will always be tension that will continue to build. Need to set down the boundaries and rules.

[Latte Mama]

You are NOT wrong at all.  We teach people how to treat us and by allowing FIL to continue this abuse, you are showing your kids this is ok.  Not cool.  So no, I would not go over there and would not let my kids go there without me.  FIL needs to know you mean business.  This would be a hill to die on for me. 

If FIL has been getting away with this behavior, he has no incentive to change.  Your DH needs to support you on this and it's disheartening that he is excusing his father's behavior.

[texmati]

you can't budge on this-- You've been told that you aren't welcome at that house. How can you go back over there? Neither me or my kids or DH would be going over there until FIL called and apologized.

[lynsage]

No way do you or your kids go over there until there's an apology AND a pledge to stop attempting to feed you and your kids foods you are allergic to. Personally I would never allow my kids around them without being there to supervise again. It sounds to me like they're probably doing whatever they want when you're not there, including letting DS eat gluten.

DH needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up to his parents for you, too.

[laohaire]

Toxic In-Laws, by Susan Forward

[Ms. Sisko]

I try to stay out of the family problem threads because others have much better advice than I could give.

The allergy thing, though - I guess I'm a little blown away that your children's father and their grandparents are OK with feeding them food that one of them is allergic to. Why would someone knowingly do that? That just seems so mean!

[lynsage]

Ms. Sisko, you'd be surprised how many people have that attitude that food allergies/sensitivities are no big deal or even don't really exist. I see it all the time on the boards here and I've had a few encounters with people like that IRL.

My DD has what I consider to be a VERY obvious negative reaction to artificially colored candy and snacks, and I have to pound it into her grandpa's head over and over and over again because he seems to only equate "allergy" with wheezing, hives, etc. and doesn't consider behavioral disturbances to be a big deal. I, on the other hand, can see how distressed and angry DD becomes when she's had, say, a handful of Skittles, and I can't believe he can't see that. 

[dakotablue]

I am so sorry. We just went through this with MIL, fortunately I think it is mostly resolved. This is a hill to die on. I would not go nor allow my children to go. Isn't that exactly what FIL wanted? Why should you give that to him?

I think your Dh is stuck in a bad spot, standing up to your parents is a hard thing to do. It took Dh a full year before he was able to do this, and for MIL to get the clear idea that she couldn't treat me like crap and endanger our baby.

I read the book boundaries...it helped me a lot.

You are not wrong and your children are looking to see what to do when someone mistreats them as FIL mistreated you, if you let him walk on you or give in...is that what you want to teach your kids?

I would however make it clear that they are allowed to visit (at least MIL) as the issue is in their home and you don't want to punish everyone.

oh and I'd be pretty upset with Dh for trying to sweep things under the rug, but is that what his mom always did?

[mamalisa]

Anytime someone says "That's just how they are" as an excuse for bad behavior I say, "Oh, I'm not putting up with that, it's just how I am".  

[Marsupialmom]

I feel one reason why your dh and the in-laws are disregarding you is because of the use of the term of food allergy. By the sounds of it you and your children have food intolerance verse allergies. (I could be projecting from my own situation.)

http://www.webmd.com/allergies/foods-allergy-intolerance

I don't think your dh takes these serious because it is no severe enough. I bet your children have gluten there all the time and since there isn't/wasn't the typical allergy reaction they think you are half crazy or a hypochondriac.

My sister and niece are lactose intolerant.....they will talk about being allergic to milk and milk products. Lactaid relieves all issues. But they come off has hypochondriac because they can tolerate it when something is really good or they take Lactaid.

My dh is allergic to mushrooms, vomiting having issues breathing reaction. Even if he doesn't know the mushrooms are there he has the reaction. Avoids mushroom or potential mushroom foods because he can end up in the hospital.

I would show that article above to my spouse and change your wording. It might be in the past your kids have had small portions and not have had issues and this is what mil and fil sees. So they think your making things up...... My dd has GERD and my mom is this way with her. My mil has seen my dd in full force so she gets it.

Your dh is in a hard spot. He has to stand up to his parents. This is not an easy task to learn. And if he doesn't take you and your kids food intolorances seriously it makes it even harder. You cannot force an apology. Your dh cannot force his dad to apologize. Even if he did it would not be sincere. He loves his parents and he loves you. Yes he needs to pull his dad to the side and say don't ever talk to my wife or second guess her again -- this is very hard to do.

Also, I think you need to assess how your fil and maybe mil felt with you removing the food. This was seen as an insult, wasteful of their money. Depending on there ages and culture this could have been very very offensive. I think the better strategy would be having a one on one with mil and come up with ways and recipes that meet your needs. Make it a team effort. Taking an attitude: I know you had good intentions in providing us wonderful food but we have special needs let me help you meet these needs.  (If you have done this then pack food to cut them off).  

[journeymom]

Your dh is being kinda weak.  He's probably been minimizing his dad's obnoxious attitude his whole life. Well of course he has, how else is a little kid supposed to cope?  But he's not a kid anymore and he needs to stop pretending that his dad's actions don't matter and that his wife's feelings don't matter. 

I agree with the above poster who said that they might have been really offended that you refused to eat their food, and I don't think you should dismiss that.  Yes, they should 'get it' already and shouldn't be serving you foods containing gluten.  Were they serving a casserole or something where you couldn't avoid the gluten?  Could you have eaten part of it and avoided the rest?

Originally Posted by lynsage My DD has what I consider to be a VERY obvious negative reaction to artificially colored candy and snacks, and I have to pound it into her grandpa's head over and over and over again because he seems to only equate "allergy" with wheezing, hives, etc. and doesn't consider behavioral disturbances to be a big deal. I, on the other hand, can see how distressed and angry DD becomes when she's had, say, a handful of Skittles, and I can't believe he can't see that. 

If he's like my mom, he can see how distressed and angry she becomes, but it's not because of food dye sensitivities, it's a character issue.  She's misbehaving and she needs to shape up.  And you're probably coddling her, too.  I think people of a certain generation put much less credence in biological causes for behavior issues.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

Originally Posted by lynsage My DD has what I consider to be a VERY obvious negative reaction to artificially colored candy and snacks, and I have to pound it into her grandpa's head over and over and over again because he seems to only equate "allergy" with wheezing, hives, etc. and doesn't consider behavioral disturbances to be a big deal. I, on the other hand, can see how distressed and angry DD becomes when she's had, say, a handful of Skittles, and I can't believe he can't see that. 

If he's like my mom, he can see how distressed and angry she becomes, but it's not because of food dye sensitivities, it's a character issue.  She's misbehaving and she needs to shape up.  And you're probably coddling her, too.  I think people of a certain generation put much less credence in biological causes for behavior issues.

I agree that it's because he puts less credence in biological issues for her behavior, but also he just can't STAND not spoiling her and letting her have "treats", and he doesn't see her behavior as a problem, she's just "being a kid" when she acts like a miniature madwoman 

[tsfairy]

Thanks so much for the responses. It really helps to get some perspective.

The IL's just basically believe that food allergies don't exist, unless maybe you end up in the hospital. DS2 has severe allergies to eggs and oranges. Oranges make him puke immediately, and eggs give him 2nd degree burns on his bum (before he was PT he would literally have blistering, peeling skin from contact with his poop after eating eggs.)  Those are real allergies, but MIL to this day is convinced that DS "just doesn't like" the foods he's allergic to, or that he "just hasn't tried them." DS1 has lesser reactions to certain foods - eg tomatoes give him a mild rash, melon makes him incontinent (less so as he's matured) but again MIL just "forgets" about these reactions and consistently serves foods that the kids react to. Then I'm the bad guy for trying to restrict their access to the offending food.  (What strikes me as kind of funny is that they pop "allergy" meds like they're candy - for seasonal stuff, hay fever, etc. so they do believe in some allergies, just not to foods. sigh)

As far as the gluten, it may or may not be an "allergy" but it is a very real intolerance for us. Both DS1 and I break out in a rash immediately after eating it, and his behavior becomes very volatile and uncontrollable. Off gluten, he's a very different kid. For me, it sends me into a deep depression, and I suffer extreme inflammation. Every muscle and joint in my body aches for days after eating even trace gluten. This is very real. I used to live in constant pain, and then a friend suggested cutting gluten and the change was amazing. DS's behavior changes were an unexpected and welcome side-effect.

To be fair, I could definitely have been more proactive that day regarding the food. It was meat sauteed in regular soy sauce (wheat is the 2nd ingredient - the bottle was on the counter) and a sauce also made with the soy sauce, plus bread and apple cobbler for dessert. A very gluten-heavy meal. MIL does get very offended when people don't eat her food, however the funny thing is that if the kids just didn't *like* it she would happily serve them anything else. The issue was that *I* said they couldn't have it.  It's just such a contrast to my family, where we can show up with our own food or raid their fridge or just plain talk openly about what we can or can't eat, and nobody bats an eyelash. 

Anyway, this is all new territory for us and for the IL's. It's been about 6 months, and we eat a formal meal with them about twice a month, in addition to the once a week or so that DH visits with the kids. MIL has actually made quite a bit of progress in her efforts to serve us gluten-free food. She even keeps gf crackers and cookies in the house for the kids, and I really appreciate that. Her feelings were genuinely hurt over this incident, and I realize that FIL was standing up for her. I could have handled the situation better, but I still feel like he was way out of line, especially considering that this is a pattern of behavior for him.

I probably should add that this was something that had been building up. To avoid the food issues, I actually invited them to have Thanksgiving at our house this year. They turned us down in favor of visiting distant relatives out of town. I was somewhat relieved that I didn't have to cook a big Thanksgiving meal, but irritated and more than a little offended that they chose distant relatives over their grandkids. Then we were supposed to see them that Saturday but the kids and I were very sick, so this dinner was supposed to be a combo of Thanksgiving and Sinterklaas.

FWIW I've told DH that MIL is welcome in our home anytime (in fact she came over yesterday to pick up DH and visited with the kids) but FIL may not see my kids until I get an apology.

Your dh is being kinda weak.  He's probably been minimizing his dad's obnoxious attitude his whole life. Well of course he has, how else is a little kid supposed to cope?  But he's not a kid anymore and he needs to stop pretending that his dad's actions don't matter and that his wife's feelings don't matter. 

Exactly. DH didn't see the exchange between FIL and me. When I told him, "You didn't see the look on his face or hear the tone of his voice," he just sadly said "I've seen it." Yes! Then you know how much it hurts, and why would you want to put your wife or kids through that kind of pain? He's such a pro at sweeping his feelings under the rug when it comes to his parents, but especially his dad, that he doesn't know how to start doing anything different.

This is a hill to die on. I would not go nor allow my children to go. Isn't that exactly what FIL wanted? Why should you give that to him?

Thank you, this is exactly what I told DH.

[Laggie]

I do agree that FIL should apologize, but maybe you could try to give him an opportunity to do so? Offer to meet him for coffee or something?

It's just that family drama can get sooooo blown out of proportion at this time of year, if it's at all possible to minimize it I would try.

I would also start offering to bring something to family dinners so that there would at least be something edible on the table. Most people wouldn't think to look at soy sauce for gluten. Personally I would find it very embarrassing if I thought I had made something a guest could eat but then it was wrong. I don't agree that just taking the plates into the kitchen and getting something else is "respectful and non-confrontational." Especially if you watched her make the meal and didn't say anything. I think that gently explaining that soy sauce is an allergen, and helping your MIL to find an alternative - would be respectful. Grabbing the plates and taking them away... not really.

[Marsupialmom]

I believe your issues with foods...:) And, it would be a hill I would die on.  I would not doubt if the days they are over their w/o you they are not getting this stuff. I honestly think people like my sister and niece are why some people have attitudes about food allergies.  

I would make it if they want to visit they have to come to your house to follow your rules.  Can you get backing from a doctor about the food issues?  

[tsfairy]

Originally Posted by Laggie 

I do agree that FIL should apologize, but maybe you could try to give him an opportunity to do so? Offer to meet him for coffee or something?

It's just that family drama can get sooooo blown out of proportion at this time of year, if it's at all possible to minimize it I would try.

I would also start offering to bring something to family dinners so that there would at least be something edible on the table. Most people wouldn't think to look at soy sauce for gluten. Personally I would find it very embarrassing if I thought I had made something a guest could eat but then it was wrong. I don't agree that just taking the plates into the kitchen and getting something else is "respectful and non-confrontational." Especially if you watched her make the meal and didn't say anything. I think that gently explaining that soy sauce is an allergen, and helping your MIL to find an alternative - would be respectful. Grabbing the plates and taking them away... not really.

Sorry I guess I didn't explain well. Nobody was seated yet. The meat had been served on the table, and MIL was still prepping food in the kitchen. I was feeling very badly that day and had asked DH to talk to his mom about the food before it was cooked (which was unfortunately after the meat had been marinated.) He did ask about the soy sauce, but didn't tell her that it was not ok for us. I was just trying to feed my kids with as little drama as possible but like I said I know I could have handled the whole thing better. I also understand that MIL's feelings were hurt and I was sincerely apologetic to her. It was in the middle of my apology that FIL cut me off and told me not to come anymore. 

I agree this time of year is so stressful and I don't want to make it worse. I really have no desire to talk to FIL at all. He and I don't talk much anyway, and the thought of initiating some sort of outside contact just to fish for an apology which will probably turn into him berating me again sends me into a full-blown panic attack.

Oh and I do usually bring something for us to eat if I've been forewarned that there might not be anything for us. This is always met with derision of course. This time, like I said I was not feeling well that day and had actually forgotten we were going over for dinner. On the way over in the car, DH told me I might need to make something else for me and the kids to eat. Apparently he did know the menu beforehand but failed to inform me. :(

[A&A]

Originally Posted by lynsage 

No way do you or your kids go over there until there's an apology AND a pledge to stop attempting to feed you and your kids foods you are allergic to. Personally I would never allow my kids around them without being there to supervise again. It sounds to me like they're probably doing whatever they want when you're not there, including letting DS eat gluten.

DH needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up to his parents for you, too.

Yep. 

[dakotablue]

Originally Posted by tsfairy 

Oh and I do usually bring something for us to eat if I've been forewarned that there might not be anything for us. This is always met with derision of course. This time, like I said I was not feeling well that day and had actually forgotten we were going over for dinner. On the way over in the car, DH told me I might need to make something else for me and the kids to eat. Apparently he did know the menu beforehand but failed to inform me. :(

um....this to me sounds like your Dh may be letting them have allergens when your not there, otherwise wouldn't he have automatically said Oh kids can't eat that, rather than Oh, yeah your not going to want them to eat that....

Which leads to a 'your crazy' and they aren't doing anything wrong because Dh isn't standing up for them....Maybe not when its little bits of allergens?

But maybe I read it wrong...