DH dismissing my feelings about IL's - Page 2

[ecoteat]

Originally Posted by tsfairy 

Well, yes I know he's like that, but he needs to change or at least acknowledge his behavior.

He's not going to change his behavior. Just forget it. But you *might* be able to squeeze a bit of compassion out of him. It sounds like you have a lot of educating to do--of the ILs AND of your DH. I get the impression the kids are staying away from allergens only when you are there to make sure it happens. Do you have a doctor's diagnosis? Maybe that would help them understand what these foods do to the kids' bodies? Would they be open to reading a couple articles or something? I think you need to start with DH--he's letting this go on too.

I wonder if an "apologize or you can't see the kids" ultimatum is really going to help anything, though. It sounds like you are both digging in your heels. How much discussion have you had with them beyond "don't feed that to my children"? What is the potential for more in-depth dialogue about how diet affects you and your kids' bodies?

[lilmom]

Yes, to all those who said it IS a hill to die on. I would not go over there and I also would not allow my children over there without my supervision.

We have had some problems with IL's and my son's egg allergy as well. They have seen in action what happens, and watched him break out after eating something with eggs, yet they still feed it to him. They admit it is a "real" allergy, but they "don't think it's right to deprive him" of things like ice cream that has eggs, or cookies, etc. I have tried to explain that I happily will bake cookies with egg whites because it's the yolk that bothers him. But they can't be bothered to worry about that. I just don't get why they would rather him become itchy and miserable, than just give him foods that he CAN enjoy. : (

Luckily though, we rarely see them because they live far away. Otherwise I'm sure I'd be in your boat too.

[babygirlie]

#1 issue... Allergies.. potentially feeding  your child something that can kill them in the future in a long slow painful death is not ok in any terms. Eating gluten when you're allergic isn't like a bee sting. You can't SEE it. It cuts up your intestines until you can no longer absorb any nutrition and you will die and it will be a painful road. So if that's how they roll heck no my kids would not be there without me. Which is unfortunate as I'm sure you deserve a break!

My IL's KNOW no gluten but offered her pie anyway. They mess up with food and so I HAVE to be there. Not on purpose they're just people. Anyway I winced and said she could have the INSIDE of the pie no crust... well i grabbed the bowl and there was crust *sigh*. I picked it out as my dd isn't dx (though me my mom my grandma have it.. good chances she has and she is autistic). It's hard enough being an adult with gluten intolerance but to watch what someone else eats 24/7 is pretty hard. I can't fathom daycare at this point.

#2 Xmas Eve. ok maybe he is a douche and didn't mean it but wow... eeeeeeee   We all say things we don't mean but it didn't sound like you even made an issue of it just took care of business which is your job. No idea why he flipped out. I would be so uncomfortable. I have no idea what to tell you but that I would be giving dh a piece of my mind and it would probably be up in the air until the last minute when I would cave and go. :(

[tsfairy]

Originally Posted by ecoteat 

I wonder if an "apologize or you can't see the kids" ultimatum is really going to help anything, though. It sounds like you are both digging in your heels. How much discussion have you had with them beyond "don't feed that to my children"? What is the potential for more in-depth dialogue about how diet affects you and your kids' bodies?

I fear you're right. This is just me being stubborn at the expense of the kids' relationship with their grandparents. But darnit I'm so stinking mad! (insert hopping mad smilie I can't find)

I've had some discussion with MIL, and next to none with FIL. BIL also blew a gasket that night (adding fuel to my fire, since he has zero say in any of this.) DH went completely gluten-free when the rest of us did, and his chronic heartburn and some eczema went away. I remember one evening he was talking to his mom about this, and she actually interrupted him to change the subject! 

DH has been SO supportive of the allergy thing when we're at home, even when I've been trying a bit of extra elimination here and there trying to stabilize DS and my moods. BUT when we're at the IL's, he goes ahead and eats whatever and then just suffers the consequences later. So it's a lot like someone else upthread mentioned with the relatives who are "lactose intolerant." 

I think FIL views this like a fad diet and I've just jumped on the bandwagon. One of the things he said to me was, "This needs to end now." That sent me to tears.
 

[Peppermint Leaf]

Am I understanding that when your DH visits his parents with the kids and without you that they eat whatever they want?   If yes -- that could lead to a great deal of confusion with your in-laws ... I think your main issue may very well be your DH & not your FIL  if this is what is going on!!

[tsfairy]

Originally Posted by Peppermint Leaf 

Am I understanding that when your DH visits his parents with the kids and without you that they eat whatever they want?   If yes -- that could lead to a great deal of confusion with your in-laws ... I think your main issue may very well be your DH & not your FIL  if this is what is going on!!

I'm just not sure. I was under the impression that DH was at least keeping the kids off gluten while they were there, but they are generally allowed to eat whatever. MIL doesn't feed them a lot of junk food, just the odd popsicle. But this incident is making me feel like I've been horribly mistaken.

I just tried to talk to DH about this, and explained how just plain hurt I am that he's not standing up for me. He says he'll try to talk to his mom. /sigh
 

[journeymom]

BUT when we're at the IL's, he goes ahead and eats whatever and then just suffers the consequences later. So it's a lot like someone else upthread mentioned with the relatives who are "lactose intolerant."

That was not me upthread but that's exactly what my siblings do.  We're all (Dad, sibs and me) lactose intolerant to some degree. My brother and sister more so than I am by quite a bit.  They both use Lactaide and lactose-free milk in their own homes, but when they're visiting they simply avoid dairy whenever they can do so easily.  But if  Aunt hands them a piece of  chocolate cream pie slathered in whipped cream they just eat it. One, because it delicious but, two) they're willing to just deal with it later.  Stomach pains, bad gas and diarrhea be damned.

I'm not familiar with gluten sensitivities so I don't know how or to what degree it impacts you. 

[rainbringer]

FIL was inappropriate - I would be angry and upset too.  It sounds to me like your DH is setting up the situation by avoiding conflict with his parents, leaving you to confront them on important issues.  He could easily have said to his mom beforehand, oh we won't be able to eat that, we'll bring our own food.  

Personally I would not insist on an apology BUT clearly something has to change.  I think I would agree to go over briefly on Christmas Eve if  DH acknowledged the problem and agreed to go to couples counseling with you in the new year.   You both need some ideas for handling his parents.

It wouldn't be worth it to me to cut the inlaws out of our lives on this one incident.

[thefreckledmama]

After reading all the replies and updates, I'm inclined to believe that your husband has been allowing your sons to eat "whatever" when they're at your ILs without you.  This is then making you seem the crazy neurotic parent when you're there and restrict foods they are allowed at other times.  I run into the same issues with my husband and Inlaws in regards to what I restrict, what my husband allows, and the mixed messages and inconsistency my inlaws see.  This is an issue that you need to address with your husband, so that the "rules" about what the boys are allowed to eat are crystal clear.  Then there needs to be some kind of discussion/sit down between you, your husband, and your inlaws, so that this situation can be put to rest BEFORE Christmas Eve.  

[Adaline'sMama]

The first mistake he made was making plans for your family with his MOM instead of his WIFE.

[Marsupialmom]

I am agreeing with this.  I don't think your dh has been caring and the kids have been eating what ever. 

Originally Posted by thefreckledmama 

After reading all the replies and updates, I'm inclined to believe that your husband has been allowing your sons to eat "whatever" when they're at your ILs without you.  This is then making you seem the crazy neurotic parent when you're there and restrict foods they are allowed at other times.  I run into the same issues with my husband and Inlaws in regards to what I restrict, what my husband allows, and the mixed messages and inconsistency my inlaws see.  This is an issue that you need to address with your husband, so that the "rules" about what the boys are allowed to eat are crystal clear.  Then there needs to be some kind of discussion/sit down between you, your husband, and your inlaws, so that this situation can be put to rest BEFORE Christmas Eve.  

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by thefreckledmama 

After reading all the replies and updates, I'm inclined to believe that your husband has been allowing your sons to eat "whatever" when they're at your ILs without you.  This is then making you seem the crazy neurotic parent when you're there and restrict foods they are allowed at other times.  I run into the same issues with my husband and Inlaws in regards to what I restrict, what my husband allows, and the mixed messages and inconsistency my inlaws see.  This is an issue that you need to address with your husband, so that the "rules" about what the boys are allowed to eat are crystal clear.  Then there needs to be some kind of discussion/sit down between you, your husband, and your inlaws, so that this situation can be put to rest BEFORE Christmas Eve.  

This. You need to have a serious, major talk with DH about presenting a united front to the ILs  and then meet up with them to clear the air, and you and DH together thoroughly educate them about exactly what a gluten allergy/sensitivity means and that just because the kids aren't going anaphylactic at their house that doesn't mean it's not harmful, explain that it's not a fad or a diet and what the effects are when you and the kids are exposed to gluten, clarify what's been going on, and talk about the plan moving forward from here (that plan being that your kids are given NO GLUTEN and DH doesn't eat it when he's over there either, and possibly bringing your own food to family dinners).
 

[limabean]

Originally Posted by lynsage 
...explain that it's not a fad or a diet...

I agree that the OP and her DH need to present a united front and that they need to explain the above, but even if it were just a dietary choice, that should be respected! If they were "just" vegetarians, it'd be rude to roll eyes and sneak the kids meat when the mom wasn't around. I have friends who have preferences regarding what their kids eat, and those preferences aren't based on allergies, or intolerances, or horrible behavioral consequences, they're just simple preferences. And I totally cater to them -- why on earth would I take it personally that they've made different dietary choices than I have?

I know some people have strong feelings about food, and for something like a holiday dinner people put a lot of work into it and some people get their feelings hurt if people don't eat/like what they've made. But when guests' dietary needs/preferences have been made clear ahead of time and a host chooses to serve that food anyway, it's the host's own problem if they get their feelings hurt. 

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by limabean 

Originally Posted by lynsage 
...explain that it's not a fad or a diet...

I agree that the OP and her DH need to present a united front and that they need to explain the above, but even if it were just a dietary choice, that should be respected! If they were "just" vegetarians, it'd be rude to roll eyes and sneak the kids meat when the mom wasn't around. I have friends who have preferences regarding what their kids eat, and those preferences aren't based on allergies, or intolerances, or horrible behavioral consequences, they're just simple preferences. And I totally cater to them -- why on earth would I take it personally that they've made different dietary choices than I have?

I know some people have strong feelings about food, and for something like a holiday dinner people put a lot of work into it and some people get their feelings hurt if people don't eat/like what they've made. But when guests' dietary needs/preferences have been made clear ahead of time and a host chooses to serve that food anyway, it's the host's own problem if they get their feelings hurt. 

Oh, I completely agree with you, but in this case it looks like part of where the ILs' disrepect is stemming from is a belief that the gluten allergy is not real and that mistaken belief needs to be dealt with as part of the overall package. If the OP was a vegetarian or  whatever I would just advise that she and DH should present a united front in telling the ILs to respect their choice. It just seems to me that apart from FIL having some obvious issues with how he treats people in general, that the ILs are confused and probably don't believe the OP about the gluten because they're seeing different behavior from the DH and kids when she's not around to monitor what they're eating and it's feeding into their lack of respect for the need to offer gluten-free choices.
 

[limabean]

Originally Posted by lynsage 
Oh, I completely agree with you, but in this case it looks like part of where the ILs' disrepect is stemming from is a belief that the gluten allergy is not real and that mistaken belief needs to be dealt with as part of the overall package. If the OP was a vegetarian or  whatever I would just advise that she and DH should present a united front in telling the ILs to respect their choice. It just seems to me that apart from FIL having some obvious issues with how he treats people in general, that the ILs are confused and probably don't believe the OP about the gluten because they're seeing different behavior from the DH and kids when she's not around to monitor what they're eating and it's feeding into their lack of respect for the need to offer gluten-free choices.

I completely agree with you too! I just reread my post, and it totally looked like the whole thing was a rant to you -- I'm sorry! I just used that tiny snippet of your post as a jumping-off point. 

[Belia]

This is an issue between you and DH, frankly.

Actually, now that I think about it, I believe that its solely DH's issue.

He sounds like a classic "pleaser."  In your home, he goes along with you and your preferences in terms of diets, allergens, etc and tells you what you want to hear.  I would be willing to bet that at your ILs home, when they roll their eyes at your issues he goes along with their doubt and tells THEM what they want to hear, and lets your kids eat what your ILs want them to eat.

He is just trying to keep the peace and keep everybody happy and avoid confrontation.  So that leaves you thinking that the two of you are on the same page, and I would bet that your ILs think he agrees with them that your food issues are just made up.

If I were in your shoes, I would push this issue with DH hard.  What does he truly believe in his heart of hearts?  Does he believe you that these food issues are real, or does he agree with your parents that you are overreacting and this is just a fad?  Then I would INSIST that his actions line up with what he says he believes.  And I would call him on it EVERY SINGLE TIME he doesn't "walk the talk."

If DH believes his parents are correct and food intolerances are not an issue in your family, then he needs to own that and have it out with you.

If DH believes that you are correct in how you are handling your kids' food, then he needs to have your back with his family every single time.

In short, he needs to seriously man up.

I don't think you should force an apology from your FIL, and I don't think you should waste your time trying to convince the ILs of the validity of your choices.  They don't get a vote in how you feed your family.  If you try to get them "on board" and convince them, you are inviting them to argue back.  Don't waste your time.  You and DH should decide what is best, then case closed.

[anj_rn]

Everyone has been very quick to slam on the FIL, but from his point of view, his son brings the kids over regularly and they do not have a special diet.  Then you come with him, and take away the food that his wife has worked hard to prepare stating that neither you or your son could eat it.  I think he took it as an insult to his wife's cooking.  I am not saying that he was in the right, but the situation looks very different from the other side.

I also have multiple food allegies & intolerances.  SOme are immediate actions that land me in the hospital, and other will just leave me cramping on the potty a few hours later.  None of my ILs follow my diet, so I will always call if we are sharing a meal and make sure there is something I can eat.  Over the years (we have been married for 11, together for 16), they have gotten better about making sure there was something I could eat.

My sis is also gluten & lacto free, so when she comes to stay she brings some gluten free things with her (I am lacto free too, so not a problem).  I do go out of my way to make sure she has food to eat, but we grew up with each other' s food intolerances.

Both of us have problems with people who only see milk & cheese as dairy, but forget about the stick of butter thay put in the food.  Most people would not think of soy sauce as a gluten, so it might not have been intentional.

I think you need to talk about the diet with your DH.  I would also suggest having a one on one talk with your MIL.  Explain the diet, what happens when either of you are exposed t gluten, and why it is dangerous to have just a little or once in a while.  Hopefully, she will be more considerate when your children are over.

[4evermom]

You aren't going to get an apology so I'd reassess that demand.  I don't know anyone who would call someone else up to apologize by having it demanded like that.  Guys, especially, don't do that. That could be why your dh made plans to go over there Christmas Eve.  He knows the best way back to usual is to pretend nothing happened.  Of course you don't quite have "usual" as a goal.  But perhaps dh talking to MIL and MIL talking to FIL will get results.  And maybe you can figure out a better way to decline food, possibly calling MIL in advance, to ask after the food plan so you can bring any gluten free ingredients or side dishes to help out.

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama 

You are NOT wrong at all.  We teach people how to treat us and by allowing FIL to continue this abuse, you are showing your kids this is ok.  Not cool.  So no, I would not go over there and would not let my kids go there without me.  FIL needs to know you mean business.  This would be a hill to die on for me. 

If FIL has been getting away with this behavior, he has no incentive to change.  Your DH needs to support you on this and it's disheartening that he is excusing his father's behavior.

So exactly what I was thinking. You teach people how to treat you. This one is a teachable moment. FIL either will get it or he wouldn't be seeing me or the kids. He can't disinvite you and then expect to see your kids.

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

The first mistake he made was making plans for your family with his MOM instead of his WIFE.

 This. It sounds like when your husband feels he has to choose between his parents and his wife, the parents win. My guess is this is the kind of attitude his father had towards him as a child growing up. I can relate. I also came from a household of "sit down, shut up, and do exactly what we tell you to do or else..." It's taken a lot to break away from that, the breaking point was my father grabbing and shaking my younger DS a few years ago. Anyway, short story long, yes your FIL is a big problem, but your DH is an even bigger one. He needs to learn how to work with you as a cohesive parenting unit for your children, he needs to learn how to respect your decisions as his wife, and he needs to learn how to stand up to his father and be the man in HIS family. Me thinks that perhaps some marriage counseling is in order to try and solve this one. And FWIW, my kids would not go anywhere near this house without me, as I don't believe that your DH is capable at this point of insisting that the gluten free diet is followed when you aren't there. Your DH's agenda is about not making waves, rather than doing the right thing. Until he can switch agendas, your kids need to be supervised over there by you. If FIL doesn't want you over there, then the kids don't go either.