DH dismissing my feelings about IL's - Page 3

[tsfairy]

So DH just announced that he's taking the kids to his parents' house tomorrow. Um, WHAT? I kind of blew up at him. The thing is we just talked about this (briefly) earlier today and I made it clear that I expect some kind of acknowledgement of FIL's behavior, or better yet an actual apology, before we go over there for Christmas. So he comes home from taking the kids out for a bit and drops this bomb? I do not understand how we can talk about something and just hours later it's like he heard exactly the opposite of what I said. He says the point of going over there is to talk to his parents. Um, then why on earth would you bring the kids for that? The kids do want to see their grandmother, but she's perfectly welcome to come over here anytime and I've also made that clear. 

Sigh... I just do not know what to do. I'm so angry right now.

(ETA to address some of the responses and clarify... I know an apology will be like squeezing blood from a stone, but I need for someone to at least acknowledge that my feelings are valid and that FIL was way out of line.)

[wytchywoman]

I don't blame you mama. He'd seriously be in the doghouse with me if I were in your shoes. I guess in the end you need to decide if this is going to be your "hill to die on". It would be for me but I'm not in that situation. If it is going to be your hill, then you need to pull aside your DH tonight and let him know under no uncertain terms that he will NOT be taking the kids over there until this issue is resolved. Taking them over while he is going to "talk" with them about this is not ok. At best the topic will be resolved after a heated conversation, at worst, he's going to cave and the kids will eat more things they are not supposed to and your IL's get rewarded for their bad behavior. Neither one is a situation you really want your kids to be in, KWIM? I don't envy you, you've been placed in a really tough situation, but FWIW, I don't think you are overreacting at all. What's going on is totally not okay and your DH needs to man up and support his wife and ensure his kids stay healthy.

[dakotablue]

(((HUG)))

If I were you, which I'm not, but if I were...

I would not allow my children to go over there without me. AND Dh has to talk to them alone, I don't think its appropriate to have a conversation like the one he should be having with the kids around as a real conversation won't be able to happen.

Going over without you just gives MIL and FIL what they wanted, dismisses all of your feelings and rights as a parent.

I am so sorry. I was really really lucky Dh stood by me.

[tsfairy]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I'm really feeling like this is the hill. I've put up with so much over the years and I'm just done, this is the final straw, this time it was my children's health at risk and a personal attack was directed at me and I will not budge.

DH is definitely not taking the kids over there tomorrow. No way, no how will I let that happen. I seriously don't know what he's thinking sometimes except that I'm sure he called his mom to talk and she suggested bringing the kids and he just went along with it like he always does. 

[Ann-Marita]

Get a copy of Toxic In-Laws by Dr. Susan Forward right away!  Someone posted this earlier, and I just wanted to second the recommendation.  Seriously good book!

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by tsfairy 

I do not understand how we can talk about something and just hours later it's like he heard exactly the opposite of what I said.  

I suspect it's more of the same. He's hearing you (and his parents) just fine, but he has no backbone. Once again he is just telling everybody what they want to hear. And when there was a conflict, he chose his parents because he is more afraid of them than you. Who knows if he already committed to bringing the kids over when he talked to you; if he did, he probably had to get up the guts to tell you that. Probably no accident that he got up the guts when he went out for a while - having that space gives him a chance to mentally practice. Ask me how I know. No, I was never so bad, but I used to be so unconfrontational that I would have to work myself up to something, or practice it in my head.

[tsfairy]

Wow. Dh finally talked to MIL last night and I got an email today with an apology from FIL.

[neetling]

Shenanigans.  MIL totally sent it so there would be "peace"

Originally Posted by tsfairy 

Wow. Dh finally talked to MIL last night and I got an email today with an apology from FIL.

[tsfairy]

That was my first thought but MIL really has no idea how to use email...

[wytchywoman]

Interesting. So do you think this means they are going to respect your dietary needs now? Are you all going to go over there tomorrow for the holiday?

[tsfairy]

Yep the plan is to have dinner there tomorrow. MIL and BIL have been calling us to check on every ingredient so it seems they're finally really taking this seriously.

[dakotablue]

How did it go?

[tsfairy]

It actually went pretty well. I sort of inadvertently avoided FIL for the first 45 min or so that we were there, but he was very nice the whole time. Dinner was great, MIL really took care to make it gluten-free, and even baked gf cookies for the kids. The kids were overtired and overstimulated from the day's activities (Santa, then a few hours with my huge family, then the IL's) so we made it an early night.

[Laggie]

Whew. I'm so happy to hear this was resolved - WW3 averted!