How to tell ILs about HBAC afterwards

[Climbergirl]

Ok, so we have been able to successfully skirt around the issue of us homebirthing for a while now.  NOW, they are asking questions.  Directly.  Like, "which hospital will you be delivering at?".  Seriously, I can't believe they really think that I "came around".  DH said, "the nearest hospital is XYZ".  But they want to know if there are any "predictions" which is a nice way of saying, are you dilated/effaced?  They even wanted to know why I did not go to my OB when I first started feeling sick (which makes no sense) and sounded a bit freaked out I didn't.  Normally, we would just avoid them, but with it being Christmas soon, that is a little hard to do.

There has been some white lies told, that is fine.  My FIL is a pedi and my MIL was a L&D nurse in the 80s.  So, they obviously know best.  And my MIL has serious confidence issues and I am really worried about how she is going to react and what she is going to do when they find out we actually had been planning this all along.  I gave DH the option of telling them our midwife does in and out of hospital births, we accidently oops at home, and now she is doing home visits instead.  I figured we could start saying things about the midwife you delivers at the hospital to kinda soften things a bit. 

I can do this semi lie thing easily (my teenage years gave me lots of experience in this type of thing), DH is not good on complicated lies and scenarios (due to the fact he has always don't them the truth on things - so this is super new for him). 

Don't get me wrong, I am fine with the decision we made to not tell.  They were the ones not being supportive.  But, oh, the drama!  I have seen her cry about something significantly less.  And the hurt feelings that never go away, blah, blah.

However, I am torn because I do feel she saved my life after DS was born.  I looked terrible and was having a hard time breathing when I got home from the hospital.  She convinced me to go to the ER (I was refusing to go) and I spent 5 more days in the cardiac unit.  During that time, she took care of my son, treated him like her own and really stepped up to help.  And I knew he was in excellent hands.

I know they are going to be hurt.  I can't avoid that.  But, I wish it did not come down to this.  So, I guess I am curious how things went when you told family afterwards and how we can do it so things are not too bad.  Especially since they are coming to visit in January for at least a week.

[HappyMommy2]

When we finally told family and friends after DD was born (HBAC), they were amazed.  I have always been the non-traditional one, and they just figured it was a logical follow-up to my destination wedding in the Caribbean.  My husband had kept it bottled up inside for so long, that he shouted it from the rooftops (aka - spent 2+ hours calling everyone he ever knew)

My Dad just mentioned it once (that he was kind of pissed) ... but I explained that I didn't want him to worry since I knew I had done my research and was making the safest decision for both me and the baby.  Plus, I reminded him that he doesn't care much for hospitals either!!

Good luck.  I know it is tough, no matter what.  Congrats on your planned HB!!!

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Climbergirl 

However, I am torn because I do feel she saved my life after DS was born. ...

she took care of my son, treated him like her own and really stepped up to help.  And I knew he was in excellent hands.

I know they are going to be hurt.  I can't avoid that.  But, I wish it did not come down to this.

I would tell her all that. Start with it. If you share your heartfelt gratitude for the help she gave you, share your love of her & confidence in her, share your appreciation for her willingness to help, and - most importantly - share that you regret having to lie & really don't want to hurt them, then I imagine it would be hard for them to hold too much of a grudge.

You can also tell them that you didn't want them to worry in advance so you thought it was easier all around this way. You could also say that you weren't even sure you would stay home, and you didn't want to argue over it & then feel stupid if you decided you didn't feel comfortable at home & went into the hospital anyway when labor started.**

**hehe - that could be more white lies too, but I don't see the harm. Besides, that is just a nicer way to rephrase my primary reason for not telling our parents - I don't want them to hassle me if I do transfer, so since I'm not telling, they wouldn't even know we'd ever planned anything but a second hospital birth.

If you make a statement like that, you could also make it sound like you weren't even dead-set on HB, like you were going to make a final decision only in labor anyway - so there wasn't really anything much to "tell."

Again, I don't see this as too much of a lie because all of us know there's a possibility we will transfer - no one is guaranteed an HB & we will all pick up & go if our we and/or our MW thinks it's the best step, whether in labor or before labor starts - so when you say, "I wasn't even certain I would HB anyway." It really is an honest statement.

(They don't need to know the details that planning an HB involves getting lots of supplies so you put effort into it - you could make it sound more casual.)