Handling Temper Tantrums when I feel like I was the unreasonable one

[oaktreemama]

Sheesh.

Last night my little (2 1/2 yr old boy) was in the kitchen and he noticed a piece of left over Halloween candy in the cupboard. It was a Watermelon Jolly Rancher stick.

Dinner was in five minutes and as I was setting the table he asked for the candy. I said (apparently channeling my mother) "You can have it after dinner."

He had a complete and utter meltdown. The worst I have ever witnessed. As I am standing there in shock I kept thinking, why did I say no? I don't care if he has a couple of licks before dinner. It won't hurt him.

I felt trapped in the situation I had created. He was now trying to hit me so my husband removed him upstairs to "reset." One of us is always with him and we allow him to get himself back under control with our presence to help ground him.

I realized I really didn't know what to do. Should I have given him the candy? But I felt that once the hitting started that I shouldn't. Then I thought well that's awfully punitive since I should have just said yes from the outset. And the only reason I didn't give him the candy was because I was now mad that he was hitting me.

I feel like this is part of a larger issue I need to address with myself-how to handle the temper tantrums within the boundaries I feel are important. But, without losing sight of the overall goal of being fair and letting the little stuff go.

How do you all handle these kind of tantrums when you wished you had behaved differently yourself?

For the record I apologized for being angry at him when he came back down and he enjoyed the candy after dinner.

[rightkindofme]

For me, once a tantrum starts that's the end of it.  I would tell my daughter that if her behavior continues she won't get it at all.  Luckily she has a fairly superhuman amount of self control for a toddler and she can manage to rein in her 'stuff' fast and then ask politely so I get lots of second chances to rethink my position.  If I had a kid with less self control I don't actually know what I would do.  Ha.  I'm helpful.

I often apologize and backtrack my 'rulings' though.  If she asks again, politely, then I will say, "You know, it won't actually hurt.  I shouldn't have said no.  Here you go."  I think out loud all the time.  If I realized right after saying no before she reacts I will think out loud about the fact that it probably would actually be fine.  I'm basically lacking an 'inner voice'. :)

[Mal85]

Sometimes I notice I have an unreasonable response to things. I also channel my mother apparently. But, I don't want her to think she can get me to change my mind by throwing a tantrum. I try to stand my ground once I've made a decision and not go back on it, even if I think in retrospect I was a little unreasonable. Just make a mental note of it and try to react more appropriately the next time.

DD is only 21 months old, so she doesn't always understand what I'm saying. If she were older, then after the tantrum I'd explain to her that Mommy's behavior might have been a little unreasonable and apologize for that. But then go on to explain that throwing a tantrum is unacceptable behavior as well, so I will be sticking with my decision. We might have a dialogue about what is appropriate behavior if she feels like I'm being unfair.

[tzs]

well, i don't think telling a kid to wait for candy until after dinner is that unreasonable so if it were me i wouldn't change my "ruling." (i also don't think saying "yes" to the candy would be unreasonable either...but since you already went the other way i'd stick to it.) for me, i'd save the backtracking for those instances when you really HAVE been unreasonable and answered off-the-cuff.

[DevaMajka]

When ds1 was little, I used to say "oh, I didn't realize it was that important to you." and explain why I was ok with changing my mind. At some age (not sure when) I did expect him to stay relatively calm about it (but I did try to catch it quickly, and change my mind if need be). I would NOT have changed my mind in the midst of a tantrum (perhaps if he calmed down in the middle of it), nor would I change my mind after being hit. (Hitting is a big major no-no in this house- it changes the whole equation, imo).

These days, ds1 (6yo) is pretty aware that if he doesn't like my answer, that if he stays calm he has a good chance of changing my mind. He usually says something that I hadn't thought of before (ie: if I'm worried about sugar hurting his teeth, his suggestion might be that he'll brush his teeth right afterwards. Something like that). Or he'll tell me that it's important to him, and I might decide that it's more important to him that I say yes, than it is to me that I say no. Now mind you, sometimes he does break down and cry or get mad. When he does, I give him a disapproving look and tell him that that surely isn't going to change my mind. Sometimes I have to give him words to say, or somesuch a thing. But overall, he does well.

I'm not a fan of sticking with a ruling just because it's what you said. I think if you decide you were wrong, it's ok to say so. But I also don't think it's a good idea to "give in" (which is what happens when you give them what they want to prevent a tantrum, etc).

oh, and I tend to be a big old softie until a tantrum or whining starts. Then I turn stone cold. It's not a parenting tactic, it's just what happens naturally. I suppose it's a good thing? lol