Help me understand emotional abuse with sexual deprivation

[2xand2y]

A little background- after 11.5 years of marriage, each one more miserable than the last, I finally packed up the kids and moved out 2 weeks ago.  It's been an amazing 2 weeks and it makes me so excited for the rest of my life! 

I've been working really hard to make sense of what has happened to me:  how and why I let it happen, who I became because of it and finding who I really am.  I've been talking to a counselor nearly everyday (often just an email exchange) and that helps a lot.  I have been pretty classically emotionally abused for most of my marriage.  I realized (when I was reading another thread) that our totally dysfunctional sex life is part of the abuse not a separate issue.  I described it to a friend in an email last night and spent an hour sobbing:

     "I've been married 141 months and we've had sex less than half of them.  Almost always he keeps his eyes

     closed, chastises me for making any sounds, and doesn't respond to requests."

That's it in a nutshell.  I can't seem to get it straight in my head how the two pieces fit together, or why, or how I'm suppose to deal with that too.   Any insight is appreciated.

[Marsupialmom]

Sexual issues can be a bomb in it self.  They can be very very complicated.  

You do not know if he was abused and that cause him to act that way sexually.

You do not know if he is struggling with homosexuality.

You don't know a million other things that make him tick....

but the problem is HIM not you.  No mater how you twist it......it is his issue. 

Sex is suppose to make us feel connected you two didn't connect and his behavior would not allow it. 

--just a side note open eyes isn't a required for engaging sex.  I do this so I can tune out the kids, the dogs, cats, other stressors and get into it.  The other things are issues. But his issues not yours. 

Lack of sex -- mutally enjoyable sex makes a person feel neglected and unwanted. It is very isolating.  His behaviors put a hole in your self.  Know you have to fill it and move on (((HUGS))) 

I wish I had more to say to help you, but I don't. 

[septmommy]

I, too, was in a marriage where I was sexually deprived. It was awful to always hear my friends complain that their husbands were constantly groping them when mine didn't even notice when I wore lingerie to bed.  It made me feel insecure, unattractive, and unloved.  He even made me feel guilty and dirty for having a normal libido. After my divorce I met a man that was dysfunctional in so many ways, but the sex was PHENOMENAL!  He made me feel like the sexiest woman alive.  Unfortunatly I was so starved for affection that I invested three years of my life to him and ignored numerous red flags, because frankly, I was blinded by lust. Now I am taking a break to heal and am looking forward to finding a good, healthy man that I feel a wonderful physical connection with.  I wish the same for your future!

[bananabee]

Yeah, this has been part of my STBX's repertoire. I couldn't even get him to spoon with me in the last year. Everything was always my fault, as far as he was concerned, esp in the bedroom. Nevermind that he hardly ever put in any effort, and when he did, he would punish me if I gave him any tips. He also got mad that every time he did try to pleasure me, it took slightly different tactics or more work. So he just threw in the towel after a few sporadic tries. This is another reason why I feel absolutely no regret for filing for divorce. It's not like he was "here" anyway, and he certainly had no interest in being part of my life. I've been celibate since DD was purposefully conceived. Trying to get pregnant was the only thing that motivated him to get into bed with me and motivated me to put up with his clumsy selfish treatment of me that caused me pain. I didn't realize at the time that he internally hated me so much. I'm not sure he convinced himself that he wanted a child in the first place. He doesn't show any interest in or ability to BE a dad. It's more like he has part ownership of DD. I bet he'd take money if I had any to offer to give up custody entirely.

I do sometimes wonder if he's possibly gay. He grew up with a lot of sisters in an isolated area, and he's admitted to me that maybe that's why he's suppressed his sex drive around me. He also admitted to me vaguely that he had a bad experience with his first girlfriend, though he wouldn't elaborate. I agree with the previous poster, that there may be any number of things that affect the way he thinks. But bottom line, it's not good, healthy, or otherwise worth continuing. Isn't it incredible how much better life is without SOs in our lives who weigh us down immeasurably? Such a big weight was lifted off me when I gave my lawyer the order to file for divorce. Life is so much brighter without him. I hope you're able to move on and heal well from this. On the one hand, it's abuse, and on the other hand, I'm so very grateful that I drew the metaphorical "neglect" card rather than the "assault" card in the bedroom.

[hillymum]

You have no idea how relieved and happy I am to see this thread! Sex had become torture over the last 10 years. As far as sbx was concerned he could be with anyone. It had nothing to do with me. there was no love involved, and the few times it did that would be it, nothing for months afterwards. The worst part is I  thought it was my fault! I thought I was to blame! All I wanted was some love and there was no way sbx was going to give it to me.

     The really funny thing is that it was sbx who gave me an ultimatum between keeping my nose out of the family finances or get a divorce. That was the final straw for me so here we are and he is still sooo very angry that it's happening. It's all my fault that we are getting a divorce, that he is broke and that our home has to be sold.  it's amazing how much better I feel away from him! I didn't realise how on edge I was all the time and how my life revolved around pleaseing him. I was so insecure! Every time I would start to feel confident, and he saw that, he would do something really mean to put me back in my place. It's sad that I felt so small that I was willing to live like that to keep the family together and be able to keep myself and our children in a nice home.

     I don't know if I will ever truely understand what has gone on in this marrige. I have come to realise that I am co-dependent and that I probably need help with overcoming that. I gave sbx the power to control me because I so wanted to be wanted. I know now that I should have walked away from him within the first month of knowing him.

[Forestwalk]

I found this thread and just had to post. I experienced the same kind of situations you are all describing with my ex. I put up with it for 4 years, because I guess deep down I felt that the issues would somehow be resolved over time. In retrospect I do believe that ex was either gay or intimidated by my sexual energy, but it may be that he was just not attracted to me. I don't really care why, but I do care that I wasted 4 years. I am happy to report that I have fallen in love with a  man who is not only my best friend, but the greatest lover I have ever known.

[2xand2y]

I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your experiences.  To hear how this treatment has made you feel is very affirming to me that I am normal and I am not exaggerating/dramatic/crazy.  I needed that.

Why is it so easy to keep falling back on the idea of "needing a man"?  or even just wanting on really badly.  Sometimes I think, "I just want to be held".  Re-reading this thread helps me get centered again.  I do not need a man; I probably don't even really want one.  I need to heal myself first.  It also makes me realize how much a gave and how much I lost and that makes me angry.  Being angry feels good, much better that being sad and hurt; the anger makes me feel like the journey to healing is happening.

[crystalface]

I think the reverse happens as well. My X would always start an argument (big ones) when I didn't want to have sex, and he constantly expected it. And when we would (which was frequently enough as is), I hardly got to enjoy myself, and there would be absolutely no foreplay. When I was pregnant and wanted more sex, he didn't want it. Either way I was felt consumed by pressure and sadness, and felt bad one way or the other.

Its nice to know that others have dealt with similar issues.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by crystalface 

I think the reverse happens as well. My X would always start an argument (big ones) when I didn't want to have sex, and he constantly expected it. And when we would (which was frequently enough as is), I hardly got to enjoy myself, and there would be absolutely no foreplay. When I was pregnant and wanted more sex, he didn't want it. Either way I was felt consumed by pressure and sadness, and felt bad one way or the other.

Its nice to know that others have dealt with similar issues.

This happened in my marriage also starting right after my dd was born.  It got to the point where I dreaded sex and would get nauseous at just the thought.  I lived in fear of him getting in the mood because it was going to be either a fight or me just giving in.  Even now  that I have been divorced for 4 years I dread getting into a relationship to deeply because I don't want to live like that again.