I need help resolving this argument

[Courtney-Ostaff]

I am so mad I could spit nails!

 

Background: My husband and I lived in this crappy little house when we got pregnant, and my mom was living waaay out in the country by herself.  She's partially disabled, but works full-time as an itinerant special ed teacher.  And, she does freelance work on the weekends out of the house.  So, mom sold her house, gave us 70,000 for the down payment, and moved in with us when we all bought a new house together. She has an "apartment" on her "side" of the house (kitchenette, bathroom w/W/D, bedroom, living room, walk-in closet) but I fix all the meals, do all the heavy cleaning for her, run her errands, do all her shopping, take her to her doctor's appointments, etc.  

 

My husband got laid off the week we closed on the mortgage for the new house, and was out of work for 11 months.  He makes 3x what I do, as an employee of a major government homeland security contractor. I teach online college classes on the side, which really saved our bacon when J was laid off. Mom helped pay for the "incidentals" in building a house, to the tune of about $15,000, and helped us out sometimes during that almost-year my husband was laid off. We're already paying her back at 500/month, plus free utilities, food, etc. 

 

My mother and I have this recurring argument:

 

Mom: Gwen needs to go to daycare. 

Me: Why? 

Mom: So she can learn to rely on herself. 

Me: Why? She's 3!  

Mom: She needs to socialize with other kids. 

Me: I went to full-time daycare at 2, and I suck at socializing. 

Mom: It doesn't mean it won't help her.

Me: It doesn't mean it will.  

Mom: When are you going to finish your teaching degree? 

Me: I don't know. Why?

Mom: You need a real job.

Me: What? My teaching isn't a real job?

Mom: You know what I mean. You don't have to get up and go to work every day.

Me: No, I have to make myself work, instead of having someone look over my shoulder. 

Mom: It's still not a real job.  

Me: You want Gwen to go to daycare so I can work in a public school classroom?

Mom: No, I want Gwen to go to daycare so she'll want to go to school.

Me: I'm sure she'll want to go to school.  I'm not sure I want her to go to public school.

Mom: I'm not sure she'll want to. She'll pick up on your anxiety, just like daycare.

Me: I worked very hard to cover my anxiety.

Mom: She's a smart kid, she knows.

Me: She's got a long time before that's an issue. Frankly, I'm not sure public school is all it's cracked up to be.

Mom: As if you would know! Don't you want to work in a public school?

Me: I'm not sure that I do, no. You don't work in a "regular" classroom, either. You're itinerant. You don't know what's like, either.

Mom: I can take care of myself, at least. What are you planning to do?

Me: Jobs with pensions are long-gone.

Mom: What, they're not going to hire teachers any more?

Me: The last few teachers to get hired in my field waited 17+ years to get hired in this county.

Mom: So what were you going to do? 

Me: I was going to look for an online school to teach for.  The only reason I'd work in a public school is to help pay off my student loans.

Mom: You need health insurance, and retirement.

Me: I have a 401(k), same as J.  J carries the health insurance.

Mom: What if you don't have J? Can you pay your own bills then?

Me: Mom, how much do new teachers make?

Mom: About 28,000, more or less.

Me: Mom, I make about 20% more than that.

Mom: So you're telling me that if you don't have J's income any more, that you wouldn't need money?

Me: Why are we talking about J and I getting divorced?  No, I wouldn't need money.   I could pay all my own bills.

Mom: What about the house payment?

Me: Well, I assume that if J and I got divorced, we'd sell the house.

Mom: Well, I want my money back. 

Me: You'd get your money back when we sell the house. 

Mom: So if Jason lost his job, you wouldn't ever need to ask me for money?

Me: I'm glad to see that your concern for Gwen going to daycare is predicated on your own concern for your income.

 

This usually ends with me stomping away like a sullen teenager.  I hate, hate, hate this argument, and yet I see no way out.  Help!!!

[mamaofprincesses]

I don't want to read and not reply, so I'll give the good advice I see given all over these boards when it comes to relationships: stop engaging. Yes, she's your mom. Yes, she helped you out. You are paying her back. If she has concerns over how quickly she is being paid back or under what terms, you can discuss those (the numbers only!).

Your decisions about educating your daughter, and where to work, are none of her business.

Your mom: Gwen needs to go to daycare.

You: We're happy with our decision to have her stay home with me. Have you seen the newspaper this week?

Your mom: When are you going to finish your teaching degree?

You: When I decide it's necessary. Please pass the bean dip.

Your mom: You need health insurance, and retirement.

You: Don't worry mom, you taught me to be responsible. I've got it taken care of. Did you know it's supposed to snow tomorrow?

You're giving her way to much information. I love my mom but if she started delving into my finances I'd set boundaries, fast.

[momofmine]

Yes, yes, yes, to all of this!  I especially like the pass the bean dip one!  Seriously, I totally agree, your decisions about your own life are yours and you just have to let go of what she thinks of them.  It is so hard to do this, but keep reciting the bean dip phrase in your head (even if you replace with something else) and eventually it will work!

 

Originally Posted by mamaofprincesses 

I don't want to read and not reply, so I'll give the good advice I see given all over these boards when it comes to relationships: stop engaging. Yes, she's your mom. Yes, she helped you out. You are paying her back. If she has concerns over how quickly she is being paid back or under what terms, you can discuss those (the numbers only!).

Your decisions about educating your daughter, and where to work, are none of her business.

Your mom: Gwen needs to go to daycare.

You: We're happy with our decision to have her stay home with me. Have you seen the newspaper this week?

Your mom: When are you going to finish your teaching degree?

You: When I decide it's necessary. Please pass the bean dip.

Your mom: You need health insurance, and retirement.

You: Don't worry mom, you taught me to be responsible. I've got it taken care of. Did you know it's supposed to snow tomorrow?

You're giving her way to much information. I love my mom but if she started delving into my finances I'd set boundaries, fast.

[New_Natural_Mom]

Wow, this is totally none of her business and based on faulty logic. I would shut her down and tell her it isn't up for  discussion.

[dawningmama]

I'm in agreement with the previous posters. "Pass the bean dip, pass the bean dip, pass the bean dip."

[justKate]

Yep, if you can avoid it at all, don't engage.  But she might press you.  If you have to talk about it, maybe you can "gently" talk about what's really bothering her.  Maybe your husband losing his job scared her--she feels invested (financially, emotionally) in your marriage.  Maybe she's afraid you can't take care of yourself. (!) Maybe she's afraid she'll become a burden and you won't be able to care for her.  Maybe she feels bad that daycare was hard for you and is hoping that putting DD in daycare will prove that she IS a good mom and did what was best for you.  It's hard to say.

Mom, we are not ready to put dd in daycare right now.  What can I do to make you feel better about this?  Would you (Gma) like to take DD to playgroup X on Sundays to help her socialize?

Yuck.  :hug  I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Courtney-Ostaff]

Thanks, everybody.  She called me later in the day to apologize, and said that her anxiety had gotten the better of her.  *sigh* I just HATE having this argument over and over!

[meemee]

OP can you see yourself and your mom coming from the same place?

both of you concerned about your dd's future. your mom is concerned about not just her gdd's but her dd's future too.

i have done a lot of work to see the true concern behind the usually stated words. let me tell you its really helped with a lot of the miscommunication.

both of you are operating from the same place - love and care - just using different paths.

with this economy she is also concerned about you. just checking in to make sure you will be ok if you ever become a single mom. lord knows what she sees at school. i am sure the pressures on families and therefore the kids. esp. in her field.

i have noticed myself when i can actually see the hidden message and not even feel hurt - it really impacts the other person. its brought down a lot of the anger my ex has when communicating with me. i just dont rise to it anymore. i see him as me - having the same concern but just throwing a fit coz its not going his way.