HAPPIEST UPDATE EVER: I confronted DH with it and at first he didn't know what I was talking about and looked legitimately confused (yeah right he doesn't know, what a liar I was thinking) then I literally saw realization dawn and he said he got it at work, its a little hard to explain the situation because it involves police stuff but basically they had to buy some cover stuff at a gas station and his partner got beer and condoms and gave one to him. I told him I was still skeptical because the whole thing sounded weird and he called his work partner right away on speakerphone and told him he was on speaker with his wife and asked "Do you remember what we got on the such and such deal last week as our cover props?" and the guy was silent a second and was like "Oh yeah, in a three pack and I put two in my glovebox and you had one in the backseat of your car?" DH was like "Yeah well my wife discovered it" and the guy was like "Oh my bad! I'm so sorry Mrs. ---!". It was a BIZARRE situation that it could come up and what seemed like a smoking gun was actually nothing. Oh but DH doesn't remember opening it or know why he did, I think that was an Ambien thing. Anyway, it was clear he was telling the truth and his work guy confirmed the story without prompting or anything so it was covered. DH reassured me and I feel all better now and a little crazy perhaps for jumping to conclusions despite the fact that logically it seemed hard evidence. THANK GOD!
Quick background- I am a SAHM, DH and I have two little ones. Married 9 years, together for 11 (since I was 19 years old or so). I used to have a well-paying career.
The discovery- I was straightening up yesterday morning and went to dump out the trash can next to the bed in the guest room (where my husband often sleeps since our baby is still in the bed and disturbs him). I found a condom wrapper, then an unrolled (but apparently unused) condom (expiration date 2015). We haven't used condoms in over a DECADE. I am completely in shock. I was not suspicious of anything and had faith in my husband. I tried to think of any possible excuse, would LOVE to have an excuse to cling to, but there is none.
I am feeling NUMB. DH is away on a trip (travels for work a lot, works long hours- not trackable). I will have to confront him when he returns, presumably after the kids go to bed. I am scared. I'm sad, oddly I'm sad for him, for what he has lost (his integrity) and what he stands to lose (his family, his job, everything).
I don't think of him as a lying cheat, I'm still thinking of him as my husband, who I love deeply. I don't know how to stop that, how to make that shift. I want to sleep. I want to ignore this and pretend it never happened. I fear he will lie to me when I confront him, get mean, yell at me, accuse me of being a horrible wife, be indignant at my suspicion. I don't know what to do with that, I am not a hugely confrontational person. I don't know what to do when he shuts me down. When he goes back to work Monday, presumably where he works with a home-wrecker (I have never been to his office, don;t know a soul there or even where it is)? Its almost Christmas, how will our holiday be, dinner with my in-laws? Everything was OK and is now different, uncertain. The decorations, the laundry, gift-wrapping, it all just seems so pointless suddenly.
My future was with him, I can't just now imagine it all differently, this is awful, for me, for him, for the kids, for our families. Devastating emotionally, financially- I can see where it is going. I am bearing the weight of a horrible secret now, I can't tell my friends or family without ruining any chance of reconciliation. I know I am coming off as weak. I just haven't adjusted to the idea that my best friend in life and the father of my children and the man I chose as my life partner LIED to me, dropped the ball, put our life in jeopardy.
I need to snap out of this and get past the shock stage to grief or anger or something that I can do something with, I am as a deer in headlights right now.
Edited by heatherweh - 12/17/10 at 8:54pm