DH not cheating- happy update!

[heatherweh]

HAPPIEST UPDATE EVER:  I confronted DH with it and at first he didn't know what I was talking about and looked legitimately confused (yeah right he doesn't know, what a liar I was thinking) then I literally saw realization dawn and he said he got it at work, its a little hard to explain the situation because it involves police stuff but basically they had to buy some cover stuff at a gas station and his partner got beer and condoms and gave one to him.  I told him I was still skeptical because the whole thing sounded weird and he called his work partner right away on speakerphone and told him he was on speaker with his wife and asked "Do you remember what we got on the such and such deal last week as our cover props?" and the guy was silent a second and was like "Oh yeah, in a three pack and I put two in my glovebox and you had one in the backseat of your car?" DH was like "Yeah well my wife discovered it" and the guy was like "Oh my bad! I'm so sorry Mrs. ---!".  It was a BIZARRE situation that it could come up and what seemed like a smoking gun was actually nothing.  Oh but DH doesn't remember opening it or know why he did, I think that was an Ambien thing.  Anyway, it was clear he was telling the truth and his work guy confirmed the story without prompting or anything so it was covered.  DH reassured me and I feel all better now and a little crazy perhaps for jumping to conclusions despite the fact that logically it seemed hard evidence.  THANK GOD!

Quick background- I am a SAHM, DH and I have two little ones.  Married 9 years, together for 11 (since I was 19 years old or so). I used to have a well-paying career.

The discovery- I was straightening up yesterday morning and went to dump out the trash can next to the bed in the guest room (where my husband often sleeps since our baby is still in the bed and disturbs him).  I found a condom wrapper, then an unrolled (but apparently unused) condom (expiration date 2015).  We haven't used condoms in over a DECADE.  I am completely in shock.  I was not suspicious of anything and had faith in my husband.  I tried to think of any possible excuse, would LOVE to have an excuse to cling to, but there is none.

I am feeling NUMB.  DH is away on a trip (travels for work a lot, works long hours- not trackable).  I will have to confront him when he returns, presumably after the kids go to bed.  I am scared.  I'm sad, oddly I'm sad for him, for what he has lost (his integrity) and what he stands to lose (his family, his job, everything).

I don't think of him as a lying cheat, I'm still thinking of him as my husband, who I love deeply.  I don't know how to stop that, how to make that shift.  I want to sleep.  I want to ignore this and pretend it never happened.  I fear he will lie to me when I confront him, get mean, yell at me, accuse me of being a horrible wife, be indignant at my suspicion.  I don't know what to do with that, I am not a hugely confrontational person.  I don't know what to do when he shuts me down.  When he goes back to work Monday, presumably where he works with a home-wrecker (I have never been to his office, don;t know a soul there or even where it is)?  Its almost Christmas, how will our holiday be, dinner with my in-laws?  Everything was OK and is now different, uncertain.  The decorations, the laundry, gift-wrapping, it all just seems so pointless suddenly.  

My future was with him, I can't just now imagine it all differently, this is awful, for me, for him, for the kids, for our families.  Devastating emotionally, financially- I can see where it is going.  I am bearing the weight of a horrible secret now, I can't tell my friends or family without ruining any chance of reconciliation.  I know I am coming off as weak.  I just haven't adjusted to the idea that my best friend in life and the father of my children and the man I chose as my life partner LIED to me, dropped the ball, put our life in jeopardy.

I need to snap out of this and get past the shock stage to grief or anger or something that I can do something with, I am as a deer in headlights right now.

Edited by heatherweh - 12/17/10 at 8:54pm

[pregnant@40]

There are going to be responses much better than this one, but I couldn't leave without writing something.

I am so sorry. I haven't been there, but then again, who really knows anything about anyone, even those closest to us. I am hoping that there is a way you and your husband can work through this. I'm guessing it partly depends on how open and honest he is to reveal everything and fix it from here. How absolutely painful, especially when there are little children involved. I'm very sorry anyone has to go through this... but even though everything points to "yes", I would hold out hope that there is some very, very unusual explanation for this...

[skimmilf]

I don't know what to say, but wanted to let you know I am listening and sorry about what you are going through.

*hugs*

[imagine21]

So sorry that you are going through this.  The only advise I could give is try not to have the confrontation on his terms.  Seek out and have available the name of a counselor you will insist that he sees with you so that you can discuss the matter fully in a fair environment if you are concerned that he will shut you down.  Good luck to you.

[ElliesMomma]

did you save the condom and wrapper? i would simply hand it to him and ask him what's up with that? and see what he says.

there *are* men who use condoms for masturbation.

i can't understand why he would leave that in your home garbage can, knowing that you *would* see it.

if nothing else, he has invited the discussion that he has coming. i would not say anything if i were you, i would just hand him what you found, and see what he has to say.

good luck and let us know!!

[EviesMom]

Obviously, ask him what's up with it, but unused and with an expiration of 2013, it might not be all that current. I believe the expiry is usually about 4-5 years after manufacture, so I'm guessing it was bought 2008-9 sometime. Maybe he thought about doing something years ago, bought condoms, and didn't do anything more and passed up such a chance. It might not be as awful as you imagine though. He left it in a really obvious way though, so you should ask him for sure. 

[elus0814]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma 

did you save the condom and wrapper? i would simply hand it to him and ask him what's up with that? and see what he says.

there *are* men who use condoms for masturbation.

i can't understand why he would leave that in your home garbage can, knowing that you *would* see it.

if nothing else, he has invited the discussion that he has coming. i would not say anything if i were you, i would just hand him what you found, and see what he has to say.

good luck and let us know!!

This is what I was going to say. I can't imagine he would leave it out in the open like that. Maybe he just opened it. Maybe someone gave it to him and he wanted to see it, my husband's work friends used to do that as a joke. I would certainly ask before getting upset over it.

[philomom]

Okay, just to calm you down a little.. I googled other non-sexual uses for condoms. Apparently, a condom is very useful in many first aid or survival settings. It can also protect the barrels of guns from moisture and is sometimes for used for drug smuggling. Not that all of these sound innocent, but at least they don't involve infidelity.

I would wait until after the holidays to confront him. Get yourself to a doctor to make sure your own health has not been compromised. Also, take the precaution of collecting or copying all the major paperwork for your household. Birth certificates, passports, bankbooks. life insurance policies, social security and tax information... etc, etc.  Good luck and stay safe.

[Happeesupermom]

If you're @ home (SAHM), conceiveably, he wouldn't "cheat" at home... why would he bring a condom home to dispose of?  I'm hoping there's a reasonable (albeit strange) explanation for this. I'm sorry you're going through this! I went through the pains of an unfaithful husband in my first marriage. I can identify with the feelings of panic, fear, shock, confusion... and more.

I really hope you get to the truth & can restore your marriage.  

[goinggreengirl]

I really hope it's something innocent. If you're at home would he have had time to cheat there? Why would he use that trash can for disposal? FWIW, we got a TON of condoms when we got married and opened a few just to see them (some were flavored and textured so we were a little intrigued).

::HUGS::

[AtYourCervices]

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt... did he... uhh... recently purchase a ring? I'm not talking about one you wear on your finger. This one vibrates. They sell 'em with condoms. They also include condoms in packages of massage oils. Has he brought anything like that around for use with you? Maybe he got one of those little gift packages of massage oils as a  stocking stuffer for you, but he didn't feel it was appropriate to include the condom, so he took it out to save you the embarrassment. Then, because it had been so long since he'd seen a condom, he decided he'd take it out and play with it.

Anyways, I'd wait until after Christmas. If you don't get massage oils in your stocking, then you may want to have a little talk with him in a controlled environment as a pp suggested.

[babygirlie]

Not saying why but mine was carrying them around for awhile. i think he was bored and he would use them as they felt better he said and prolonged things. We don't use them but he does go through phases of wanting to use them and uses them alone. (yeah, I'm sure)  Personally it made me untrusting and I told him to get rid of them. then again I would rather him have one if he was going to mess up our relationship in that way. I found it digusting how it left a ring in his wallet. Just made me cringe even though he said no one could tell.

[heatherweh]

I feel like if he was using condoms in some way, such as during sex or masturbating, I would have had some inkling before now since we have been together for 11 years.  We've tried different forms of BC and brought a few things into the bedroom before now.  He never liked condoms so after we had committed to be monogomous we never had them around.  It didn't really look used, just unrolled.  I have an IUD.  I can't think of any reason he would have a condom, but even if by some reason someone gave it to him jokingly (funny stuff, why would they) or he picked it up on the street (he doesn't even clean up after himself so implausible) why would he open it and unroll it?  I think he may have been planning the affair and bought the condoms for this business trip, tried one out one night before leaving to make sure he can still put it on one-handed or whatever, and then left the evidence out because he takes sleeping pills, Ambien, which makes him act ridiculous and out of it, like Ozzy Osbourne.  

I don't suspect he would cheat at home at all.  I think it would have happened at work or on one of these trips for work.  

I don't want to ruin Christmas for everyone but I can't see sitting on this for so long, I think it would make the confrontation worse plus now I have a trail to cover...  If he notices that I've been Googling "husband cheating condom found?" or researching articles on surviving infidelity then I will be the one with some explaining to do.  Plus, it will be hard to remain affectionate and he will wonder why I'm not having sex with him, perhaps even chalking all that up as further evidence that he is justified in his affair.  

I am still in the classic shock and DENIAL phase and of course hoping there is some wacky explanation and this confrontation turns out better than I anticipate. 

[RunnerMommy]

Sorry you are going through this- it must be so stressful, esp just before the holidays.  I just wanted to share that we haven't used condoms in forever either, but there was a box stashed away somewhere in our bathroom and of course somehow DS1 found them and started opening them up thinking they were 'balloons' :D.   Maybe you'd want to ask your little ones nonchalantly if they had seen the package before.  Hoping it turns out to be something as innocent as this!

[nicolian]

Oh mama. I know that feeling you have.. where everything just suddenly seems pointless. I hope he has some kind of a reasonable explanation for you.

[GoBecGo]

Firstly is there ANY chance someone else left it there (alternative adult guest/teen family member/older child who found it)?

I'm guessing not, since you'll have thought of all that.  Do you speak to him on the phone?  I would call around, get a therapy appointment, one for you for SOON and one for both of you for when he gets home.  Then when you talk to him, tell him you're seeing the therapist and have made an appointment for you both for when he gets home.  Tell him you need him to be open and honest starting instantly and that you need him to go to therapy with you if there is any hope of saving the marriage.

It's going to be harder to get your head around something when you don't know what it IS you're getting your head around, kwim?

[mom2happy]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You probably haven't slept and feel heartbroken.

I am so so sorry. I don't even know you and have been thinking of you all night.

I also don't see how you could put this off at all. How could you just greet him and kiss him and act like everything is fine?

I cant imagine what possible explanation he could have. Condoms are for having sex with someone you don't want to get pregnant.

If you hand it to him on the spot and ask why he had it, he wont have time to make up a story and you will see his face.

I wish no one ever had to go through this. It's one of my biggest fears. It could happen to anyone. People come across each other and

sometimes they don't pass up an opportunity that could destroy their whole family. It happens so often and is so devastating.

WHY WHY WHY, HOW HOW HOW? Some people don't have self control. I would say, given the chance, a lot of men will take it. Sometimes these opportunities are right in their face or pursuing them. Life is so hard sometimes. I don't know what else to say. I'm trying to be optimistic but I thought of myself in this situation and I'm trying to be realistic.

What ever happens, just tell yourself that you WILL be okay. Somehow, some way, eventually you will be alright again.

[heatherweh]

I kwym Bec.  DH cheated on me very early in our relationship, after we had been dating only a few months.  He did it in a very long-drawn out and cruel way, it was with my best friend at the time, he would essentially make up and break up with me and it made me feel like I was going crazy until my XBFF admitted everything.  It was hard, probably one of the hardest times in my life, but he seemed so very remorseful and willing to do anything to make it work so I eventually forgave him, freely and with my whole heart.  This was 10 years ago.  I hate to bring up old stuff, but obviously this brings back some of that and makes me question some life choices.  I have a big heart and I forgive relatively easily and don't hold a grudge (gifts of a wounded childhood), I can often see the situation from all viewpoints and I think in some circumstances this works against me.  

You're right about not jumping to conclusions in the face of apparent evidence though.  I will see how he is during the confrontation tonight.  I don't want to come into it naievely either and believe the first crazy excuse that comes to him out of desperation either.

I think the idea of counseling (individual and joint) will be valid.  We don't have childcare of course but these things can all be arranged with a little effort, but it takes a bit of time.  This will be happening.  I'm going to try and just maintain until we talk and now try to stop wild scenarios in my mind, just let it be what it is.

I appreciate this sounding board and your help and understanding.   I needed to unload.  It is so cathartic to me and this board got me through my miscarriage (as well as happier times in pregnancy, housekeeping, birth, anti-circ, BFing etc).  This community is an old friend.  :-)

[2xy]

My ex cheated early in our marriage, we reconciled, then he cheated again many years later and left me for the other woman.

I wanted to say not to jump to conclusions, but now that you say he has a history of cheating (however long ago it was), that changes the way I see things. It's not that I think cheaters are bad people; I think that some people simply cannot handle monogamy.

[Mommy2Austin]

I will say this...we have condoms in the house, but haven't used them often (I have a sister who comes to stay with us and I feel better having them available for her use when she's out.) I have found them strewn throughout the house before. My kids are very curious and when they find things they have to investigate them. Is there a chance that maybe one of your kids found one somewhere and got curious as to what it was and disposed of it in the guest trash can?

Definitely talk to your DH about it. His actions will speak volumes if he's "guilty" of something. *hugs* and Good luck,