DH not cheating- happy update! - Page 2

[heatherdeg]

Glad you're able to get through your pain enough to at least be open-minded. I TOTALLY get the whole "being the doormat because I don't hold a grudge" thing (not that you said you were a doormat, but sometimes being very forgiving can feel that way) and that being the case, I would absolutely get to a therapist FAST so they can help you walk through your feelings and help you advocate for yourself.  It's clear from your first post that you love him.  It will be all the harder to stand up for yourself if need be.

On one hand, I totally agree with 2xy.  For me, it's less about some people handling monogamy and more thinking that people that cheat have esteem issues that (unresolved) will always result in needing to feel "wanted" or "worth going after" even though they're married kinda thing.  I've known two people like this--one that cheated, and on that only went after married people (as a means of feeling like she was "worth the risk").  :/

But I also think there really are other possible, valid explanations.  Especially in light of the fact that he takes Ambien.  My SIL has had to videotape my BIL because some of the things he said during Ambien episodes were getting terrifying.  He rarely did anything physically and nothing he did resulted in danger, but the experience is enough that I could totally see that playing into it.

Do keep us posted.  We're here.

[philomom]

OP, about googling.... you can clear your history after you've searched. I do this all the time to keep my kids from accidentally seeing anything wacky I may have searched that day. (I'm an intellectual with odd curious interests) Hit the history button, then you can do show all history, hit select all and delete. No biggie.

[scottishmommy]

Honestly, I think it is way more likely that one of your LOs found a condom somewhere and was playing with it. He easily could have found it at a friends house or something. Not kidding, when I was a kid my friends and i found my moms diaphragm. We also got into a stack of playboys at my friends house. Why would your dh unroll a condom and leave it in the trash? It doesn't make any sense. I suppose your dh could have tried to use it to masturbate and then gave up? In any case I would talk to your kids first.

[coyotemist]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma 

did you save the condom and wrapper? i would simply hand it to him and ask him what's up with that? and see what he says.

there *are* men who use condoms for masturbation.

i can't understand why he would leave that in your home garbage can, knowing that you *would* see it.

if nothing else, he has invited the discussion that he has coming. i would not say anything if i were you, i would just hand him what you found, and see what he has to say.

good luck and let us know!!

That was my thought.  If he's not sleeping in bed with you, you might not be getting enough attention.  Not your fault, just life with a baby.
 

Originally Posted by Happeesupermom 

If you're @ home (SAHM), conceiveably, he wouldn't "cheat" at home... why would he bring a condom home to dispose of?  I'm hoping there's a reasonable (albeit strange) explanation for this. I'm sorry you're going through this! I went through the pains of an unfaithful husband in my first marriage. I can identify with the feelings of panic, fear, shock, confusion... and more.

I really hope you get to the truth & can restore your marriage.  

Yes, it's really weird, unless he WANTED you to find it and confront him.
 

I also agree with the poster who said get yourself to a doctor to get checked out.  My DH also cheated on me, there were 2 ways I knew, but only in retrospect.  One, he was acting very oddly, he was angry at me for no particular reason, freaking out when I returned from a retreat (I had even arrainged childcare the whole time I was gone so he had a weekend to himself, too, no reason to be angry at me).  Two, 2 weeks later I had a bought of chlamydia.  I also had an IUD and for my troubles ended up with pelvic inflammatory disease and 8 days in the hospital on IV antibiotics.  After that, they said I probably would not be able to have more children due to tubal scarring, I wasn't allowed to try for at least a year, never allowed to have another IUD.  We used natural family planning for 3.5 years, after trying depoprovera for 6 months, and then got pregnant.  My tubes are now tied.

Our marriage had already been going through a crisis, and it is better now.  I've not left for multiple reasons, one of which being I love him and do not believe he's ever done it again (he wears his guilt like a shirt, on the outside, I think I'd know).

[2xy]

OP's oldest child is a 3.5yo boy. I have two boys, both with very different personalities. I can't imagine either of them, at age 3.5, opening a condom, unrolling it, and then disposing of both the condom and wrapper in a trash receptacle. If they had encountered a condom, it would probably have been blown up like a balloon or otherwise torn or destroyed. And the remaining trash would have been left on the floor for the baby or cat to choke on.

[bluebackpacks]

I agree with all previous posters who suggested a visit to the doctor and an appointment with a counselor.  This is a really tough time for you.  I think it was wise to reach out to your friends in the MDC community.  You need all of the support you can get right now, especially in light of having the little ones at home.    Very gentle hugs to you.

[choli]

I don't know. It seems like a bit of a leap from finding that in the trash, with no attempt to hide it, to cheating. Unless, of course, you have had some other reasons lately to think your DH might be unfaithful. It will be interesting to hear what he says about it.

[nicolian]

I'm glad to hear that he had a reasonable explanation for you. What a weight off your shoulders that must be!

[churndash]

I'm glad your update is happy.

However, may I gently suggest to consider couples therapy, because the speed with which you concluded that your husband was cheating on you indicates that there isn't a lot of trust in your relationship. Perhaps there are good reasons for that, but trust is such an important part of a marriage, if it's not there, something needs to be done to get it back.

[coyotemist]

Yay for you!  I'm so glad!

[mom2happy]

Im giddy with delight.

That is a wild reason. Who could even think there would have been a possible excuse.

So happy for your family.

I personally dont think you need counseling because of the fact that you didnt trust him. Anyone who found that would have doubts. Only a perfect all knowing person would not be a little nerved out by what you found.

[heatherweh]

I understand the suggestion.  While DH and I were having a laugh and then serious conversation about it I asked him if he wanted to see about therapy and he said "No why would I?  I'm happy with our relationship!"  ITA.  I am not the type to generally go jumping to wild conclusions or to be mistrusting of DH and I don't like drama, it isn't my bag AT ALL.  I wasn't suspicious of him at all until I found what I logically deduced to be incontrovertable evidence.  It was definitely a hot mess there for a couple days.