Went to court today - did not turn out well.

[bolognapate]

My friend suggested I jump on this site.... I went to court today because my 3 year old's father wants visitation given to him only by the court system. Control thing I assume...  The judge just awarded him visitation because I never called the police when he was abusing me, his children, or dealing drugs out of the house. No mind to the fact that he smashed my cell into pieces 7 times, drove away with the house phone, and took all of the car keys. I guess it is my fault for not calling the police on him. Every time, my fault. I walked to the police station twice and he chased me down, the third time he bashed my stroller to pieces so I could not go. He has refused to see his son who lives 4 miles away, will not buy food or clothing, and got granted exactly what he wanted in court.  So, I don't know what to say except be very wary!!!!!!!!

[babygirlie]

I'm sorry. I would keep a careful record with some sort of proof from now on. How scary for you :/

[LilacRhodes]

I'm so sorry you and your children have to deal with this.  I have been in the same situation a few years back.   It was truly heart-wrenching. Actually, I won't lie, it still is . . . it's very difficult to leave a young child with an abusive parent.  Scary.  

Although I had tons of documentation, had kept notes in my calendars, had been journaling (not constantly, but whenever something really bad "happened" i.e. a blow-up on ex's part).   Letters from my older kids' therapist who were treating them for PTSD from the abuse.... Professional witnesses, and family / neighbor witnesses waiting to testify.  The judge didn't allow any witnesses to be called, I didn't even realize he could do that.  Live and learn!  I should have just started kissing ex's butt from the beginning, because it would have been easier to deal with him, if he wasn't so angry at me.  (angry because the abuse was supposed to be a secret, just for the family ~ that's why we could never go to counseling!   )

The court order you have for visitation, is that your final / permanent order or do you have another hearing in the future?  What kind of schedule did the judge impose?  Seriously, it seems like they just don't think, sometimes.    When you consider they are supposed to be looking out for the best interests of the children....    Do you have an attorney?  In my experience they are useless, but I think it would be even worse to not have one.  Maybe not.  I know it was a HUGE expenditure for me, like half a year's salary, and my lawyer did nothing to make sure my child's needs would be met, not even the right to be safe and free from abuse.  

My best tactic has been to suck it up, force myself to pretend ex is a viable parent, and try to interact with him as if he was a really great co-parent, in an effort to bring out that side of him.  It's a little weak, but it's all I've got... and it works way better than hostility.  I'm treating ex better than he deserves to be treated, whenever I can swing it (I'm certainly not perfect).   Basically I have no control over the situation.  Ex doesn't hesitate to be cruel to our child, sometimes even just for the sole purpose of hurting me (because it's all he has left to hurt me with, and of course, he knows it really bothers me).  So I try to bring a more positive energy to ex, and it really does help some.  I'm always (almost always) a phone call and a few minutes away, and I have had some really good success with just quietly being available and not remarking on it one way or another, when ex gets tired of dealing with ds and drops him at my place.  I allow ex to feel that he's still in control of what he refers to as "his time" with ds. Weirdly, it's actually quite easy to steer ex in the direction of believing he's a great guy, and then he kinda glows with pride and self-admiration, which is better than his usual, rumbling at a high simmer, volcano ready to blow sort of demeanor.  Way better.  I know ds appreciates it.    

And the judge thinks that ex's behavior is all OK, or it's not really happening, or whatever he thinks that would lead him to the decision he made.  It's like living in unreality world (except it's all too real).  I mean, look at my strategy!  Kiss up to my abuser, make him feel good about himself.  I should not have to do that.  This kind of "strategy" could only have been born of desperation.  As you see, the court does not always do what it takes to protect the children. 

[bolognapate]

Wow, so similar. It is just amazing that you went through all of that! I am so sorry. I know that in the long run I am going to need to take the high road too. The justice system is so warped and twisted. I am still in shock days later. He told the judge that I was the abuser and brought his kids to court to make up stories of me abusing all of them! That was the biggest shocker for me. I would never lay a hurtful hand on him or his children - I have worked with children for over 20 years - and he beat them with a belt.  How do I fight people that teach their children to lie under oath. Apparently he has been telling everyone this. He lied about everything and the judge blamed me. He was also dealing drugs out of his house, so now I am going to have to watch over my shoulder for being a nark. Great. I had a lawyer from legal aid and he sort of dropped the ball. He didn't ask the right questions. I am just a disaster and not sure how to process all of this. I feel as though I am falling apart -you know?  Thanks for sharing your story with me. I will say a prayer for you and your child. 

[singin'intherain]

This is the kind of story that makes me so angry! Don't they have to appoint a GAL in cases like these? Do these judges never believe that abuse happens? Don't they have a conscience? If it were me, I would never be able to sleep at night, wondering if I was wrong and had put some innocent kids into a dangerous situation with no-one to protect them.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i am so sorry that they were not able to see through the situation.  i will advise you to get the police involved as often as the need arises.  that way there is documentation that will stand up in a court of law and they cannot ignore the safety risks. 

[bolognapate]

Yes ladies, I don't sleep at night. I have not slept since Thursday. My doctor sent me a prescription for ambien today to help me through this week, without even talking to me. She knows. The judge will know my name by the end of this....  I am just waiting on the transcipts so I can ....  I don' know!  Do something!  lol  I just want to show that my ex is a liar and the judge is incompetent.  Wish me luck.

[bolognapate]

Oh ~  and what is GAL?  Is that like Women Helping Women?

[BettinaAuSucre]

A GAL is guardian ad litem which is a person appointed by the court to represent  child(ren) in divorce cases wherein parents cannot agree.

[Forsanda]

to you (and LilacRhodes)