"time to introduce the word NO" vent

[AFWife]

My son is spirited plain and simple. He has a very strong will and he's incredibly bright. (I know everyone says that lol)

I vented recently online about him wrecking the living room after I had JUST cleaned it up. It happens each time. I was having a rough day so it really affected me. Well, MIL responded with, "I think it's time to start introducing the word NO."

Okay, we had just been there the weekend before so she saw us with him. He KNOWS the word "no" just fine. We use it mostly when he's doing something dangerous or destructive. (Otherwise I try to say, "Hey, let's not do that. Let's to X instead.") If he's doing something he's not supposed to, like playing with the computer mouse, and you walk up and take it from him YOU don't have to say a word because HE will start saying, "No no no." So, he KNOWS that he's not supposed to play with it. He KNOWS that he's going to be told "No" if he gets caught. Sometimes all you have to do is say, "Franklin..." and he'll stop what he's doing and say "No no no." (Not very often but sometimes)

It just frustrated me, a lot.

[heartmama]

Let me put it this way: Your son can probably recognize a cat and say the word cat, right? But does that mean he understands a cat is a carnivorous domesticated animal that requires regular vet care and should be spayed/neutered to prevent pet overpopulation? Of course not.

Similarly, a toddler can associate words with pictures of faces such as 'happy, sad, mad' but can they comprehend WHY a person is mad rather than sad over a situation? No.

People tend to assume that if a toddler can associate a word with a particular context, that means the child can essentially 'reason' and understand the situation as well. Not true.

Children are masters of association from the earliest age--but the ability to adapt their own behavior consistently due to these associations is a long process.

Your son is a year old? At this age he has almost no impulse control. He can recognize a 'no' situation but is helpless to consistently adapt his behavior based on that information. He requires an environment that sets him up for success. This is the age for childproofing and restricting his access to 'no' situations as much as possible. One day he can handle more freedom but right now he needs supervision, and if you aren't able to supervise, he needs to not have access to 'no' options.

It is fine to introduce the word "no" as long as you realize at this age it is only an association you are teaching--he can't actually be expected to show self control just because you tell him 'no'.

[AFWife]

See, *I* understand what you're saying...but it's hard to explain that to fellow parents with grown children. Or to parents that spank for EVERYTHING (I know at least one) and get confused as to why I don't just spank him constantly.

I think that's where I get frustrated.

[heartmama]

Well at this age I tried to limit my contact with "no" people in general and seek out support for gentle discipline. This is really one of the worst ages for getting unsolicited advice. It really comes down to deciding what is best and relentlessly standing up for your decision. It does get easier.

[hopefulfaith]

I visited a friend's house last year, and my (then) 4 yo ds tried to dump my (then) 3 yo dd out of his sled.  Hers was laying next to it, and she got into the wrong one, apparently...  I was walking toward them to help the kids out when my friend ran past me, picked up my ds, screamed at him, and put him down 15 feet away for a time-out --- I don't think I have to spell out on our GD board that this is not the way I was planning to handle it...

Anyway, her "apology" to me went like this:  "I'm sorry.  I know you don't yell at your kids."

:(

Anyone who has spent time with me knows that I do teach/discipline/hand out consequences,etc., and the implication here was clearly the opposite.

When I read your post, it sort of resonated with me because I felt similarly --- the situation didn't happen because _I Don't Tell My Kids No_ or whatever, it just ... happened.  It wasn't because I'm a rotten, terrible parent.

Your ds didn't mess up the room because you're a rotten, non-disciplining parent .... he messed it up because he's a 1 year old kid, and it's what they do.

Don't let her bother you.  You know you're a good mom and doing what's appropriate for your son. 

[JulianneW]

I recently returned from a trip to visit my sister, by the time I left I never wanted to hear the word NO ever agin. She says it incessantly. No don't do that, No stop that, No thats bad manners. Her three year old son says no incessantly, and follows his crawling infant brother around telling him, no don't do that, no stop that, no thats bad. I was a nanny for a woman who said she wanted to be a yes mom, and tried not to use the word no. I respected her wishes and never told her children no. They were very well behaved and I learnt a lot from her. Who knew you could get toddlers to not throw their food on the floor without using the word no, or telling them it was bad or not good manners. Until my recent visit, I never quite understood why she chose not to say the word no. However, that was before I encountered a no mom, I now will strive to be a yes mom. 

I also am a firm believer in, not allowing anyone else to discipline my children besides me and my dh. My parents were horrible about this. I will address the issue, if you have a concern take me aside. 

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by JulianneW 

I recently returned from a trip to visit my sister, by the time I left I never wanted to hear the word NO ever agin. She says it incessantly. No don't do that, No stop that, No thats bad manners. Her three year old son says no incessantly, and follows his crawling infant brother around telling him, no don't do that, no stop that, no thats bad. I was a nanny for a woman who said she wanted to be a yes mom, and tried not to use the word no. I respected her wishes and never told her children no. They were very well behaved and I learnt a lot from her. Who knew you could get toddlers to not throw their food on the floor without using the word no, or telling them it was bad or not good manners. Until my recent visit, I never quite understood why she chose not to say the word no. However, that was before I encountered a no mom, I now will strive to be a yes mom. 

I also am a firm believer in, not allowing anyone else to discipline my children besides me and my dh. My parents were horrible about this. I will address the issue, if you have a concern take me aside. 

Something my mom did with me that I thought was interesting (well, for most parents): She talked to me like a person! She tells a story about us shopping with her dad and I was tired and just DONE (about age 3) I didn't want to try on a pair of shoes he wanted to buy me...and was throwing a fit about it. She knelt down next to me and quietly explained that I needed to try on the shoes so we could see if they fit and then we'd be done and could go home. It worked. I calmly did as she asked and she followed through on her side of the deal. Her dad was amazed. "You talked to her like a person." Her response? "She is"