Were we wrong to tell MIL we don't want moving talking bottle-fed white doll for DD?

[blake201]

My MIL bought a blond plastic bottle-fed battery-operated moving, noise-making "Baby Alive" (http://www.hasbro.com/babyalive/en_US/discover/news/Baby-Alive-Segments.cfm) doll for our six-month-old daughter for Christmas, and left an excited voice-mail telling us about it.

My husband tried to gently explain we didn't feel the doll was appropriate... and she was CRUSHED. She kept insisting that she wanted to see Z react to it, and asked if we could hold onto it until the baby was old enough, but my hubby tried to gently persuade her to return it and get something more appropriate in age and style. 

So did we screw up here or do the right thing? At first I thought "it was hard, but we did the right thing", but now I feel like "we needlessly hurt MIL's feelings and handled this poorly."

Here's some more background and complicated factors:

Regarding the doll:

1. The doll is definitely NOT age appropriate for her... It's battery operated and designed for ages 3+ (small chokeable parts).
2. It's NOT in line with our belief system. Although I'd prefer she play with organic cloth dolls, I'm fine with more realistic baby dolls, as long as they're not electronic. But this is one of those electronic talking moving dolls you feed with a bottle or packets of food and it poops or whatnot. I don't like the idea that babies are fed with bottles, either (DD gets bottled breastmilk while I'm at work, but I wish she never needed them at all).
3. The doll is blond/Caucasian. Our daughter is black (biracial), and while we're fine with her having a diverse group of dolls, we'd prefer she mostly have black or Hispanic dolls that look more like her. (And this isn't the case of the clueless white grandmother--MIL is black.)
4. We live in a small apartment with no storage space for "holding onto" things. As soon as Z outgrows something (diapers, whatever), we sell it or give it to my brother for his baby-to-be.
5. I'd hate to pretend to love a toy and then have to pull it out and pretend Z plays with it regularly, since that would encourage MIL to buy more of these kinds of toys we don't agree with.

Why this is more complicated:

1. My (white) mother ALSO got her a baby doll for Christmas which we haven't rejected--it's a Corolle Mon Premier Calin doll (African-American) and it's for 18 months+. Although it's a little old for her, it's much more in line with our beliefs... but this makes it look like we have a double standard.
2. My daughter is the joy of MIL's life--MIL is a devoted and loving grandmother and a loving, kind understanding amazing sweet person. Zora is her first and only grandchild and she doesn't get to see her very often because she lives in another state. (Whereas MY mother takes care of Zora EVERY day while I'm at work). 
3. MIL has been going through a hard time with work and other things lately, and is especially sensitive and emotional. We're very close to her and she really needs us to be on her side.

After the fact I asked my mother and she was horrified by our actions. She told me that when my brother and I were little, her own MIL always bought age-inappropriate cheap plastic crap toys for us at bargain basement centers... and she accepted them gracefully, never let us play with them, and only pulled them out when MIL was visiting. She said kindness was more important than ideology in these cases and that we should call MIL, apologize and accept the doll.

My husband and I are first-time parents, and it can be so hard to balance between our own values and being sensitive to our families. What have you done/would you do in these situations? Thanks in advance!

[AllisonR]

Wow, that's really tough. I can see a lot of angles going on.

For the inappropriate part: Frankly, that doll was kind of freaky/weird/unnatural imo. If you want a walking, talking, interactive doll, a robot would be more in line. Really, we have a robot: it is really cool, you can program it to go in different directions, dance... but we don't pretend it is a doll, kwim? My DD is 4 and loves dolls, but they are the much more open-ended type where my DD decides how she wants to play with it, instead of the "doll" determining how my DD will interact with her. 

For your MIL being a great grandma and going through a rough spot: Maybe you could call and apologize if you hurt her feelings. Tell her you love her, your DD loves her, and how kind and sweet she is. Also explain more clearly why you think this doll is so inappropriate an offer an alternative - explain that this is more a robot toy than a doll, that you would be happy to have some white dolls, but you would also prefer some black or hispanic dolls. Maybe she could consider a different doll? Make it about the doll - not her - because that is what the issue really is about. She sounds like a very understanding person, so I guess she will understand that you are people too, and capable of making mistakes with the best of them! Good luck, whatever you decide. 

[Lisa1970]

On the bright side, the white grandma bought a black doll and the black grandma bought a white doll....sounds like both grandmas are trying to appreciate the other side's race. I think if she is getting 1 black doll, then 1 white doll is fine. She will simply have one of each.

You know, when I was in college, I was dating this guy who was half black and half white. In a convo with friends one time, it was commented that our children could look anything from blond haired blue eyed, to dark with the dark hair he had. (his mother was very fair with blue eyes, I had blond hair and brown eyes but my hair has turned dark when I started having children, his dad was very dark, my dad was very dark).  Now I know of some biracial couples where the children come out looking all different races, even though they are 100% biological. Did you read about that family where the parents were both biracial and they had 2 sets of twins, one which was white and one which was black...both times! 

I think it is fine. I think if you completely avoid all white dolls for a biracial child, or all dolls of any race, regardless of which race you are avoiding, you may (not purposefully though of course) teach her shame regarding an entire portion of her heritage and self. Since she is getting 2 dolls for Christmas anyway, I would be fine with it. I would just say they are are biracial twins. I think it is all nice. 

I would, though, not want something battery operated. But, if it were a gift from my own grandma, I would just smile and say thank you. Can she exchange it for a different doll without hurting her feelings? I would seriously consider if this is worth making an issue of, or if maybe you can convince Grandma to exchange it for a doll that does not use batteries. But I would not pick at the race thing. You wouldn't want to teach your child to reject a certain race, so I would let that part go.

[churndash]

I would tend to side with your mom that the thing to do at the time would have been just to say thank you and keep the doll out of sight, but don't beat yourself up over it too much. You did say you were kind about letting her know that the doll wasn't appropriate. I think it's very sweet of you to worry about your MILs feelings and to see the possible conflict with accepting your mom's present.

Your MIL's gift seems to have come from a place of love, not a veiled attempt to undermine your parenting. I think at this point, going back and bringing up the subject again might make things worse so perhaps it's best just to let it go now and keep your mom's words in mind for the next time MIL gives a gift you don't 100% agree with.  What does your husband think?

If you did revisit the doll issue, I think it's perfectly valid to point out that a 6 month old is going to have very little interest, if any, in this type of doll and that you don't have room to store toys for future use.

FWIW, as your child gets older, you may find that she herself isn't always in line with your belief system! I tried very hard to raise my kids in a gender-neutral, wood and cloth, nothing pink or plastic toy environment and at one point or another every one of them wanted something I didn't want them to have!

Rather than make a list of all the things you will not allow, why not evaluate things on a case by case basis?

[Hoopin' Mama]

I TOTALLY understand your concerns. And I truly believe in following age recommendations. In this case though, given the background, I think accepting it would have been the best thing to do. Your dd is young enough that making it disappear would not be problematic.

I think you should call your MIL and talk to her -- tell her the awesome things about her that you told us here.

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't know, I don't see any problem with how you guys handled it. If she had already given her the doll it would be different but she was telling you ahead of time so I think gently explaining that you felt it inappropriate makes sense. I think you could also offer to have her keep the doll at her house for when your DD visits, or give her the link to a couple of dolls you DO approve of so she can still get her a doll.

[mamazee]

I would have accepted the doll, along how your mom said.  I accept presents that aren't what I would have chosen all the time.

I think since this has come up, I would call her (or have your dh call her) and apologize for hurting her feelings, tell her how much you appreciate her wanting to give such a nice present to your dd, and then tell her that you were hoping to get dolls that look more like your dd, that are for at least close to her age group, and that aren't mechanical at this point.  That doll would not be useful to her at this age.  You could say you could hold onto it until she's older if you want, but it'll be a while until she grows into it.  I will tell you every 6-year-old girl in the world wants that doll, and my dd who was EBF and never had a bottle wanted it, and specifically wanted to give that doll a bottle.  But that's years from now as far as your dd goes.  Just to warn you though that even kids who were BF like to give dolls bottles, and seem to have a thing for that awful baby alive doll (and I do agree that it's awful.)

[choli]

Your mother is right.

[nextcommercial]

To me, it probably wouldn't have been worth hurting mom's feelings.  You daughter is still young enough that you can train your mother in law slowly.  It doesn't need to be a crash course.  

I think that doll is adorable.  I love it.  But, I hate that it's electronic and has better speech than most 3 yr olds.  (really, if she can speak that clearly, she can get her own juice)  She's very polite though... I heard her say "please".

If that same exact doll was not electric and not constantly asking for things, I'd buy her too.  My best memories of dolls are talking pull string dolls.  I loved my dolls.  I had dolls of every color and ethnic background.  I wouldn't deny my mother buying a toy based on the color of it's skin.   I had dolls that cried real tears when I fed it a bottle.  I had dolls that peed when I fed them a bottle. (those were my favorite)  I had a mrs Beasly doll.  (a soft white woman doll with blonde hair and blue eyes)  I still own some of those dolls because I loved them so much.  I had a black Drowsy doll that talked when you pulled her string.   All those dolls were loved by ME.  Maybe my mom didn't want them, but she gave me what I wanted.  (of course at six months old, she controlled what I had)  

[dakotablue]

So far we have just accepted presents then returned them to target or walmart (without receipts). AND hinted heavily what type of toys we think are appropriate for DS. I think MIL would be really hurt if we flat out told her that her choices in toys are not going to happen in our home, but I will admit this Christmas I may leave some of the crap (if she hasn't gotten the hints yet) at her house...BUT if I had a good relationship with MIL I might tell her, but probably would have left that gift alone and hinted/ talked in length about future presents.

Oh and my hinting is usually "I hate stuff with batteries." "Aren't we so lucky DS like natural toys better than plastic junk?" "I'm so glad DS would rather play with toys he can manipulate then those horrible do everything for you toys." "Ds is so smart! He just loves books."  So not digging for presents just commenting on parenting and things DS wants likes...

Oh and Dh did call MIL and tell her about a sale on Melissa and Doug at Toys R US (MIL wouldn't understand there are any toys other than Toys r us toys) So I'm hopeful!

ETA: we are white, but Dh and I have talked at length about how we will have a rainbow of dolls, I think excluding white dolls would be the same as if we said no AA dolls as they are opposite....So far DS isn't that interested in dolls, but he tends to like the Hispanic/ medium skin tone looking dolls the best (and Ironically his favorite outside Dh male is our friend from Chile who is darker than white, but not dark dark.)

[blake201]

Thanks everyone for the great replies so far!

I just want to clarify that we do want a rainbow of dolls, and are definitely not excluding non-black dolls (after all, I'm white and we also have family members who are Asian and Hispanic). She just already has one white doll that she's pretty attached to, a Lamaze mermaid doll that her step-grandmother (FIL's wife) gave her: http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=537022 ... and we want to make sure she doesn't end up with mostly white dolls, if that makes sense. I don't want her to somehow get the message that white dolls are prettier or better. 

[AllyRae]

I agree with your mom.  Your poor MIL picked out a heartfelt gift for her first and only grandchild's first Christmas.  I doubt she walked into the store and chucked the first thing in the cart that she found.  She probably took a lot of time to think about it.  And truth be told, your daughter is half black half white, and maybe your MIL wanted to honor her other heritage too--maybe she was trying to honor YOUR side of the family, the same way your mother was honoring your husband's side of the family with choosing a black doll.  (FWIW, one of my dolls is Vietnamese, and we don't even blink twice when someone gives her a white doll.  She loves the white dolls just as much as she likes her Asian dolls.  She doesn't seem to think one is any better or worse.)  Or maybe there were only white dolls at the store where your MIL was shopping? 

If it were me, I would call up your MIL and profusely apologize for your poor manners.  I get where you're coming from, but the proper way to accept a gift is to be thankful for it and show appreciation to the gift giver.  Especially if that gift giver is so head over heals in love with the person she gave the gift to, like you described her as.  And I'm really afraid that if you don't apologize and make this right, your MILs memories of her first grandchild's Christmas will be horribly tainted.  Is the "wrong" gift really worth that? :(

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by choli 

Your mother is right.

Agreed. 

A gift is a gift.  I think you should have let your MIL give the doll and see your DD's reaction as she had planned to do.  Your baby is only 6 mos., right?  Even if you aren't okay with her playing with the doll long-term, she could have enjoyed it for your Christmas celebration, and then she would forget about it once it was out of sight. 

There will likely be a lot of times where these types of situations arrise.  The polite thing to do, IMO, is accept the gift and decide later on what you want to do with it.  I happen to let my children do what they wish, since the gifts are given to them, but they aren't infants, so I obviously understand making the decision yourself at this point.  I just wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings in the process. 
 

[gbailey]

I detest those Baby Alive dolls in all races because they just freak me out and are odd looking but I kind of agree with your mom because it seems like your MIL was coming from a good place. If she wasn't so emotional right now about other things then maybe she would have reacted differently? Maybe she chose the white doll because she wants you to know that she appreciates the fact that your DD is biracial and needs to have both of her cultures represented?

I would call her up and say sorry for hurting her feelings and all of the wonderful things you've told us about her, you should remind her of as well. I think how you feel is totally fine but I don't thnk it was worth hurting what seems to be a great MIL/doting grandmother over.Take the doll and keep it away until you think it's something you want her to play with. I can understand why MIL is hurt.

[AllyRae]

I will add that I get your frustration.  There are times when my kids get gifts that were the noisy plastic toys non-open-ended toys that do go with the types of toys I'd prefer for the kids.  But you know what?  My kids LOVE their gifts, and the children's gifts are for them and not me.  It doesn't make them love the toys I buy for them any less.  It doesn't make the toys I buy them any less educational or Montessori-inspired.  It doesn't take away from the toys I get them at all.  And it makes the gift giver and the children happy.  I get having standards for what you'd prefer...I really do.  But there's got to be some type of balance--you have to let other people be involved according to their values too.  Otherwise, next year you might be writing the thread that is upset that people don't want to be involved with your children or skipped them for gift giving.  Remember, your child's gift is not for you, it's for her.  And as much as you might not want the toy, she *might*...and it won't take away from what you are wanting from her at all.  The majority of her toys will be the ones you wanted because you will buy her far more than anyone else does.  And I've found that the toys that are battery operated or very specific to an age are rotated out pretty quickly when the child loses interest, so it's not even a big issue.  So accept the gift gracefully, let your child have her fun when she's of the right age for it, and then donate it when she's done.

[zinemama]

Your mother is right to be horrified at your rudeness to a woman you describe as "devoted, loving, kind, understanding, amazing and sweet.". Yes, you needlessly hurt your MIL's feelings and handed this poorly. When it comes to your "values." as long as the gift isn't actively harmful - this isn't hunting Gramps buying a rifle for your little baby, after all, it's a doll - it is incumbent upon you to be gracious to the giver.

On the bright side...live and learn!

[spedteacher30]

I totally get your reaction about the blond/blue eyed doll for your daughter. My son is also mixed race black/white, and we have really surround him at home with as many brown toys/books, etc as we can. We also try hard to find him books with two moms. We figure he sees blond/blue eyed, mom and dad families EVERYWHERE he looks, and our home should be an oasis where he sees kids who look like him and families that look like ours as much as possible.

We also avoid Christmas books but have lots of Jewish books, even though he celebrates Christmas with extended family.

Now that he is older, and is specifically asking for things, we don't say no to Caucasian dolls and toys, but before he could express a preference, we did.

But, i also think it is important to respect the things he gets from his grandmother--even though my MIL's choices have always been terribly inappropriate for our family. Like you, I am white and my partner is black. My mom goes out of her way to find books with black characters, or books with two moms. MIL gives us the most heteronormative books, FILLED with white children. It makes no sense to me, but it is what it is, and we read them a few times and then tuck them out of sight so he won't ask for them again.

I don't think you need to worry about her growing up to be ashamed of her white heritage if you don't have white dolls for her. Society is very affirming of the superiority of white people still.

[JudiAU]

I am sorry her feelings were hurt but honestly, I think it was fine for you to express a preference. I totally get the other issues at play. Perhaps you could have made it about age appropriateness, i.e. do you mean for this to be a doll that she plays with now or should we put it in storage. If so, would you mind storing it at your house because we are short on space?.  Does she know about your mom's doll?

But as for the race issue, I am pretty sure that was on purpose, to honor your heritage.

Personally, I'd let my mom fall on her sword a bit here. And yeah, my mom would. I'd have your mom causally mention "Oh, I did the exact thing with my doll. I bought something much to old for her." 

Followed up by recommendation to exchange dolls for this one: http://www.corolle.com/us/catalogue/fiche_pdt.php5?ref=T4179 The doll your mom picked really isn't age appropriate either. She would be better of with this particular model, which is safe for birth +, is available in the correct skin tone, and is LOVED by my 16m.  The doll your mom picked really won't be "understood" by your daughter until much later. And I say all this because my MIL bought the doll your mom brought and I said the same thing, that it wasn't age appropriate and would she mind exchanging it for something that was. I think she was really annoyed, but she found the other one and DS loves it. (I prefer cloth/waldorfy-y types but I will totally admit that it is less annoying than most plastic and DS really does like it.)

[camracrazy]

I have found that it is hard for the older people in my family to get used to the idea that we are raising our children in a different manner than they raised their children. They don't always understand why we make different choices, and I think a lot of times they don't mean to disrespect what we are doing, they just don't see why x is different than z.

Is there a special reason your MIL wanted your dd to have this doll? Funny thing, my 5 yo have been asking for Baby Alive for months. I don't care for the doll, but one day I finally asked her what made her want it. It turned out that she wanted the one that takes medicine because my dd has an illness that is considered terminal and takes a lot of meds. She liked the thought of having a doll that takes meds just like she does. I can see why that would be important to her, so she's getting one for Christmas!

I understand though that this toy isn't really right for the age group your dd is in and isn't something that you would ideally get for her according to your belief system. In the future, could you ask MIL to go Christmas/birthday shopping with you? Perhaps you could point things out as you walk through the store. "Oh, I think dd would love that!" or "This seems really neat... I might have to buy that for her." That way your MIL can visually see the kinds of things you are going for. Because to her, if one doll is "okay" she just might not see the difference in getting a walking, talking, eating doll, and getting a cloth doll.

[meemee]

i agree with your mom.

here are things i would do since the job is already done. 

give MIL a list of online places you want toys from.

then go find toystores you support and tell her that's where you would prefer they came from. 

and no i would not stick to your principals sooo strongly. i would give a little. i have myself. and i was grateful. because by 2 gma was gone. both dd and gma doted on each other. dd at 8 STILL remembers neighbour gma and remembers a LOT of all the things gma did for her - and they mostly are things i didnt approve of. learnt my lesson then. seeing dd's connection... i was soooooo grateful i let them enjoy each other instead of limiting that contact.