Sex after birth uncomfortable/painful

[Wendy HS]

I need help. I am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but here goes.... I will try to not be to graphic. I am 9 weeks postpartum and I am breastfeeding my little one. My DH and I started having sex again at about the 6th week mark. I've been checked out by my midwife and everything has healed well. I did not have any tearing or stitches, but I did have my biggest baby at 8 lbs. 11 1/2 oz.  The problem is that I am having pain during intercourse. We are using astroglide for lube and that doesn't even help. It is painful from start to finish and everything inbetween. I have no problem having the big O, and that is the only time it stops hurting, but I have to really concentrate past the uncomfortableness to even do that. It is really frustrating to not enjoy it. I am wondering if there is anything else that can be done to help this or is it just something that I will have to put up? To try to explain the feeling to my DH I told him it is like having a sunburn and having someone rub you over and over again on your sunburn, it isn't excruciating ( I've given birth naturally), but it is really uncomfortable after a time and just down right annoying when you are suppose to be enjoying it, not grimmacing the whole time!!! I've been told that when you BF it causes you to not have as much lube down there, but I would think that the astroglide would help. I was told it was one of the best, but it is really only making it bearable, but not enjoyable. I want to make my husband happy, but I dread having sex. Can anyone give me any suggestions on what to do?

[lach]

Sex was pretty painful for a while after my first two.  I'm not sure it was a BFing thing, because it got less painful as we went along and I was still BFing.  It was kind of like my first time all over again, but it went on for weeks and weeks!  I don't know if that makes sense.  But the first time I ever had sex it was kind of painful and uncomfortable and sex was just like that for a while post partum.

And the weird thing is that I had a C Section!  So it had nothing to do with having a vaginal birth.  I wonder if it's just an evolutionary thing to ensure that we don't have much sex during a time when we should be devoting our resources to the baby... not to mention we all know that abstinence is the best birth control!  So making women not particularly interested in sex for a while would help with spacing, too.

Good luck!  I think that it is normal.  Just take it slow.  You'll be back to your old self soon.

[Wendy HS]

I personally would be happy to postpone sex for a while, but I can't say that about my DH. I am really trying to be sensitive to his needs too. He was definetly watching the calendar for the 6 week mark. The day of the 6 week mark he was making huge hints that it was time. I really don't think I can put him off much without it hurting our relationship. He gets very grumpy if we go more than two or three days. How do you ladies deal with that? I feel like I have no other choice but to have sex at least that often, and I want to want it too, just like him. I try hard to get into it, but it is sure frustrating when it hurts. I really think it may have something to do with the BFing or maybe I still have some abrasions up in there that I didn't know about. I've read in some other posts that Bfing can thin the walls due to hormones. Even an hour after sex I still feel a burning sensation down there. I am also going to try Vit E and use a lot more lube and see if that helps. There's not much I can do about the hormones and I am unwilling to stop BFing.

[cyclamen]

I think it definitely can be a hormonal thing.  Personally, it took me several months to heal and be ready for intercourse again.  Once I was ready, boy was I ready!  However, I would go gentle on your body.  You may want to remind your husband that if you have intercourse that is painful, that can beget more painful intercourse as the body tries to protect itself.  Something that may have easily gone away over time can become very difficult to deal with (vaginismus).  There are a lot of sexual activities which don't necessarily involve intercourse.   Hope I'm not getting too graphic, but oral sex, hand jobs, masturbating together, phone sex, sexting, etc, and lots and lots of making out can be extremely gratifying, good for your sex life, release the same love hormones, and help with that feeling of closeness.  Maybe pretend you are teens again who might get caught by mom and dad, etc, or don't want to "go all the way" yet or something like that?

Also, once you are feeling up to it, do squats.  Activating the large muscles in your body helps your body produce more testosterone, which raises libido and can help increase lubrication.

[cileag]

nak

Two ideas:

http://offbeatmama.com/2010/12/post-partum-sex

yeast?

[lach]

Honestly, he's just going to have to accept that he's not the only one interested in your body right now, and your little one's needs are more important than his wants.

I think when DH and I came to this realization, I offered to buy him a girlie magazine and not question him about shower length...   (And, yes, I suggested it in a very snarky manner because he was being annoying about it)

[MsBlack]

Your dh is a grown up and needs to start acting like one.  Sorry, but that is how I feel about this topic.  I never even knew how intercourse felt in the early pp months, because I never consented to it--I was NOT ready, did not have the hormones/urge and did have a new baby who was much more of a concern.  I also had no problem sympathizing with male hormones/needs--and suggesting 'self-help'.  You've gotten some great suggestions from pp's so I strongly suggest you consider them. 

Love means a lot of things, but it should never have to mean putting up with painful sex.  I agree, I think it is nature's way of discouraging too many babies too soon in a woman's/family's life.  He is a big boy now, a husband and father, and it is time for him to put the needs and wellbeing of you and the kids ahead of his personal urges.   I don't even know how a man could enjoy sex or reach orgasm when his penetration is hurting the woman he loves. 

Sorry, I guess i'm being harsh...

[Peony]

It hurt for months for me with each child (I have 3 and I had easy births). It just takes time to heal. Now while I was willing once in a while to put up with it it certainly wasn't even weekly or every 2-3 days. I second the shower suggestion, I have said that a time or two myself. 

[Jayray]

I have dealt with vaginismus and so sex is always a little scary for me in the beginning.  I really didn't feel back to "normal" until my period returned.  The nurse practitioner at my 6 week postpartum visit said that the vaginal tissue is thinner while nursing (because of the different hormones) and can make sex uncomfortable.  She said they could prescribe an estrogen (I think) cream that would help.  I never got it (and didn't do any research about it), but maybe it's something you can ask your midwife about?

There are a lot of times that we do "other" things, too.  Painful sex is no fun and makes you more freaked about future sex (at least it does for me).

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

You can offer to do other things with him other than intercourse. That is what me and dh did until I was through bleeding so we could resume intercourse.

[harli]

I would look into yeast, there are OTC pH tests you can buy (or you can use plain old pH paper if you need to) that can tell you if it's likely you have a yeast infection.  But I really think it sounds like a hormone thing.  For both of my kids sex was painful for about 2 months afterwards (longer with my first though whom I had a small tear with)  With my second child I kept having what I thought were minor UTI's that would go away shortly after they came on.  Finally though around 12 months post partum I had near constant burning that went on for weeks it was agony, turns out I had lactational atrophic vaginitis.  At first I went on estrogen cream but it really messed me up, I had near constant bleeding and in general I was just a mess from it.  I then went on the NuvaRing for the estrogen and the constant burning went away but sex is still not like what it used to be.  I'm still very very dry down there.  I thought everything was fine but after a few weeks of being constantly tired and joint pain that showed up a few days ago I went to my GP and they found a bump on my thyroid.  They aren't sure of the cause but are now thinking whatever the cause is (I'm undergoing tests currently) it went undiagnosed for the last 3 years.  This could be what caused my miscarriage, infertility, kidney problems vaginitis etc.....every doc I went to never looked into the actual causes for the things I went to see them with.  It could also have caused me to loose my dd.  I had a very hard time finding a care provider who took the hormone problems seriously.  In the past 3 years I've seen 6 care providers who either admitted they didn't know what they were talking about in regards to hormone issues or ignored the possibility and even one who told me I couldn't possibly have an estrogen problem (while he was looking at the tests that confirmed it) because 'that only happens to old ladies'.  The reason I say this is that if you do go get checked out make sure that they check all your hormone levels and to be very thorough, also if you feel it needs treatment you may also consider going on the NuvaRing.  It's safer then estrogen cream IMHO and didn't mess with my milk supply at all yet some doc's don't even consider it because it's ingrained into their brains that NuvaRing shouldn't be prescribed while BF'ing because of the estrogen, yet they prescribe estrogen cream?????  Just something to think about and talk to your doctor about in case you do need some kind of Rx.

[Smokering]

I don't even know how a man could enjoy sex or reach orgasm when his penetration is hurting the woman he loves.

I agree with this. In some ways I think the "sex is OK after 6 weeks" is unfortunate advice to have floating around medical/childbirth communities, because for so many women it's just NOT TRUE. I mean, we all heal differently. DH's mosquito bites last for days longer than mine, but I bruise easily and scars and scabs take a while to heal. Some people's broken bones knit faster than other people's. Some people always bounce back quickly from colds, others don't. Why should childbirth be any different?

I think your DH needs to talk to some other fathers. There are plenty of couples out there who abstain for MONTHS after the baby is born, to give the wife time to heal. It's not heroic or unfair, it's life. It isn't your fault if sex hurts, and it's very unfair of him to be resentful or grumpy at you because of it.

[Marissamom]

With DD I think it was about 3-4 months before I could have sex without a burning sensation either during or after. I think we got stuck in a cycle of micro-abrasions, and lube made it worse, not better for me. part of it was that I just didn't feel really turned on. after that I started to get more back to normal. If it's hurting, give yourself more healing time, and as other people suggested, offer other things to your DH.