I need a starter course on sharing between siblings!!

[Hokulele]

My DDs are 2yo and 5yo.  For the most part, they play very well together and share better than most kids do.  But I really need some guidelines on where to draw the line in the sand in terms of what toy belongs to whom. 

For instance:  a toy that DD1 recieved as a gift 2 years ago.  She loved it, played with it, and outgrew it.  I held on to it knowing that DD2 would enjoy it eventually.  Only now that DD2 is interested in it, DD1 gets mad when DD2 plays with it and claims "that's MINE, grandma gave it to ME specifically!"  She's right.  But she lost interest in it.  Saying she's too old for the toy doesn't seem to be a helpful way to deal with this.

Or another example:  Our girls each received a special doll for her birthday - the dolls were very different, each one was very age appropriate for each girl.  We told the girls that they could have control over when and if her sister got to play with her doll.  However, our 2yo is happy to share any time she's not actively playing with her doll herself.  Meanwhile, my 5yo rarely shares her doll (maybe 1x a month or so).  

I'm not describing this well, but do I make any sense?  I feel my younger daughter gets the short end of the stick, she's sharing all her stuff while her sister is careful to keep things off-limits to her sister.  I know this is partly an age thing, so far it hasn't really mattered to our younger DD.  But as she gets older she's starting to notice this difference.  And it feels like it gives DD1 a power over her sister that I don't want to encourage.

How do you decide what your kids must share with each other and what they can keep just for themselves?   And how do you keep them to your guidelines?

[Cujobunny]

I don't make my kids share anythng. But if one is having trouble letting the other have a turn with something, I point out that they play with each others toys and that's part of the fun of having a brother/sister (my ds is 5 & dd is 3).

Perhaps when your older dd is playing with your younger dd's toy, point out how nice it is that her sister is letting her have a turn with it. Try to get her to appreciate the fact that it's not hers but she's able to play with it & that her sister would feel the same being able to play with her toys as well.

[newbymom05]

I make my 2 boys share. The 5 y/o is a mellow guy and will give up his fave toy 9 times out of 10 to avoid the 2 y/o crying...the 2 y/o doesn't always reciprocate. Well, now that I think about it, they're actually pretty great about sharing, their issue is the younger taking toys from the older or getting into his stuff. I intervene if I have to and give it back, saying it's his turn or whatever, you'll have to wait. I also make sure to notice and comment favorably whenever either shares, which I think was the most helpful in encouraging the behavior. We've always been kind of communal as far as toy ownership goes--it belongs to whomever's using it at the moment, but ultimately it's everyone's toy. In your first example, I'd  just say yes, GM gave it to you when you were little and now it's DD2's turn to play w/ it.

OK, sorry that's so totally rambling, hope something made sense!

[Hokulele]

Thanks for these responses!  They seem almost opposite to each other.  It does help to get differing opinions though.

I think I lean more towards the idea that they must share everything... or almost everything.  For a few reasons:

- DD2 (2yo) will share anyway, so in the end I don't like what that would do to her sharing spirit because she will start to realize her sister isn't reciprocating if I don't intervene sometimes.

- they are both girls so enjoy the same toys... wait, correction... they are both given similar toys.  One of my girls enjoys puzzles and "thinking" activities more.  The other enjoys domestic nurturing imagining activities.  So if they have a gift/toy that is more suited to the other, I want there to be a free flow of sharing between them. 

- I often forget who was given what by which relative.  DD1 will remember and tell me, but occasionally she's fudged the truth a little on this, so I can't really take her word on it.  How can I enforce not playing with something that's not yours if I don't remember what isn't yours??

- And last, but not least, I just want them to share!

[Cujobunny]

yeah, I think it really depends on the kids and their dynamic with each other. I have a boy and a girl so their toys are quite different but they both enjoy playing with each other's toys and although they do remember whose toy is whose they are ok with letting their sibling play with their toys if they're not using it at the moment. If there are "special" toys that they LOVE I expect them to take super good care of them and keep them in their room, not in the toybox in the playroom. Really, I can only think of one thing my kids have that qualifies- ds' stuffed cat he's had since he was a baby. And even still, he does occasionally let dd hold it but dd KNOWS how much he loves it & gives it back when he asks.

I also have a rule about getting a toy back that is "yours"- NO SNATCHING. Not allowed to physically take a toy out of your sibling's (or any child's) hands. If someone has a toy you want, whether it's yours or not, first you ask nicely for it. Next step is to try to make a trade. Last step is wait your turn. You can ask mom for help at any time if you really want the toy.

[Linda on the move]

We made most toys "community property."  Even things given specifically to one child, after a while ( a month or so) became family toys. Both kids had a few things (like special dolls and stuffed animals) that were just there's, but for the most part, they were allowed to play with whatever they wanted to. There were a few toys (such as doll strollers) that couldn't really be shared and they wanted to play with at the same time, so we got 2 just the same.

The reason we did this was because it became an issue that one child would pick up a toy -- that hadn't been touched for WEEKS -- play nicely with it, and they other one would freak out that it was theirs. It was just nonsense. There was no reason for the child who had started playing with the toy to not continue. It struck me as being about ownership, possessiveness, and control.

"You weren't playing with it, and she isn't hurting it."