In Need of articles (defenses) of a slightly different sort

[Stacey B]

So my DH has decided that we have to tell my parents that we are going to homeschool ds next year. I am sure that they will have no problem with the idea of homeschooling or our ability as parents. But (and a big one) they think I am waisting my life. They always act as if the best thing for me would be to send off Alder so I can do something real. They think that spending time with ds must be a pain and boring. My family is very career driven. Everyone over 25 has at least a Master's and my mother had a PhD and tenure before I was born. On the other hand I'm the woman who moved to the mountains after college and though I was a teacher for 5 years a career is not what I want to have (I am a writer and that and homeschooling is enough for me). Does anyone have any resources beyond Radical Homemakers that might help them to understand?

[Mizelenius]

I do not think you should tell them.  I see no reason, unless you are asking them to be involved in some way.  If you tell a person something-- you are automatically inviting a discussion.  There is the rare person (or the one who is not emotionally invested) who can say, "Oh, OK" and accept it, but this would not be your family, I am guessing. 

You do not need anyone's approval to homeschool.  You do not have to think of it as deviant behavior, either, just because it is outside the norm. 

But, your job now is to accept that they won't understand.   For me, that is maturity-- it means you do what you know is right without seeking someone else's approval.  You do not pursue your goals in hopes that others will agree with them. 

There is a quote I like:

-I do not know the formula for success, but I do know the one for failure: try to please everyone.

[lach]

Honestly, your life is yours to lead, and while other people are welcome to their opinions about your choices, you shouldn't have to waste your breath justifying them.  Are they at least respectful of your choices?  If they are at least polite, even if there is an occasional eye roll, then I think the best thing for you to do is ignore them and continue down the path that you have chosen.  If they are open about their disdain for you, then you have to decide if you want to outright confront them and try to argue your opinion, or if you want to cut them out of your life at some level.

[Stacey B]

I understand that it is our decision but we want to keep our relationship with them good. As we found with homebirth showing that we are not being crazy radicals helps them to accept things. And yes I really do want them involved. My father especially has such a wealth of knowledge on so many subjects, also they live in New York city which with all the great resources that are there. So yes the choice is ultimately ours but we want to do it as part of our larger family and not sacrifice our relationships in the process.

But I wasn't actually looking for a discussion on how I should relate to my parents. I'm looking for articles not other people's judgments on how I relate with my family.

[AAK]

Originally Posted by Stacey B 

But I wasn't actually looking for a discussion on how I should relate to my parents. I'm looking for articles not other people's judgments on how I relate with my family.

I get that.  But, what are you expecting to find in the articles.  You already stated that you are sure that your parents won't doubt your ability or even the concept of homeschooling.  You seem to just want them to understand that this choice is fulfilling for you.  I don't know that you will find that.  However, in books like "Homeschooling:  A family's journey" http://www.amazon.com/Homeschooling-Familys-Journey-Martine-Millman/dp/158542661X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1292740262&sr=8-1

 they may be able to see how a person can be fulfilled by the choice.  I don't know of any studies that will show satisfaction levels amongst homeschooling parents.  Not that it matters, but the power of education is that it gives us choices.  Right now I CHOOSE to be at home, teaching my children--just as you do.  You aren't "stuck" here.  You are choosing to be here.  If they can make the simple leap to understand that concept, you will be just fine.  

Good luck.  There are many books that chronicle the homeschooline experience.  I only linked the one because it is the only one I have personally read.  

Amy

[Mizelenius]

IME, you can't separate these.  People's personalities, beliefs, and relationships with the "messenger" greatly affect how the message is received.   I could give my DH a billion articles explaining why homeschooling is beneficial.  Not one would change his mind.  His experiences, his relationships (not only with me, but with his parents  . . .he thinks their actions are the Gold Standard), and (non-researched) beliefs trump all else.  The only thing that sort of worked is I just did it.  I didn't ask for his approval.  (OK, I did, but I didn't get it!)  I told him we were going to take it one year at a time and then evaluate.  You say your parents have views on what should be done and already think you are wasting your life.  It sounds like you have a lot of relationship issues right there, which is why I don't think there is a perfect article or book out there which will fix that, even a little bit.  Hopefully I am wrong!

But I wasn't actually looking for a discussion on how I should relate to my parents. I'm looking for articles not other people's judgments on how I relate with my family.

[domesticidyll]

I come from a similarly academic family, and in our case it has gone much better than I expected. What helped most was time and observing that it is not, so far, a disaster--seeing that our first year of public kindergarten was a disaster, academically, and seeing how much DS is thriving at home now in first grade. I suspect it has also helped that I am extremely clear in my own mind that we need to do this--when we finally decided to do this, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and rightness. ...The family emphasis on academics cuts both ways. My mom is invested in me being productive and intellectually engaged--but she also wants that for her grandkids! ... Also seeing me teaching I think she realizes how engaging it can be to teach this age in a way that she hadn't realized before; I'm sure that she, as a feminist, would prefer to see me making money, but it's very clear to her now that this is work that requires thought... Even my in-laws have been reassured by seeing how we spend our days. We talked to them ahead of time, answering questions (not to persuade them, but because it seems respectful to listen to their worries and give information), and said much of what they have seen--that the kids will be at park days and field trips and classes and coops and how I plan to teach--but it didn't really click for them until they saw it. I had described some of our academic work to MIL, but it wasn't until she saw me pull out some of what DS has been working on that she seemed to feel good about him learning. Even though I had described some of the things very precisely, she needed to see it in his writing to get it. (Again, it's not my primary job to make her get it, and I don't make DS be a trained monkey to show that he is learning, but this didn't seem like a bean dip moment: she was genuinely interested in how it works, and I was happy to respond to a respectful question.) .... I also think people in general are more able to make peace with actuals than hypotheticals--the reason many people do not discuss baby names until the social security papers have been signed. I'm not saying to hide your plans, but to trust that their initial response may not be reflective of how they feel once you are underway.

Oh! And a little practical advice. Maybe they would like to see your state standards and some examples of the local curriculum, compared to what you expect to do?

Good luck,

Heather

[Stacey B]

Originally Posted by AAK 

\

I get that.  But, what are you expecting to find in the articles. 

I guess I'm looking for anyone who has talked about being a homeschooling parent not just in terms of what they are doing with/ for their kids, but focusing on themselves.
 

Originally Posted by Mizelenius 

IME, you can't separate these. 

I know I can't separate these but I also don't feel the need to discuss my family relationships in this thread. I am not looking for relationship insight just some stuff to help them understand what we are doing. Just like giving them a copy of Ina May's Guide to Homebirth helped them when my ds was born.
 

Originally Posted by domesticidyll 

I come from a similarly academic family, and in our case it has gone much better than I expected. What helped most was time and observing that it is not, so far, a disaster--seeing that our first year of public kindergarten was a disaster, academically, and seeing how much DS is thriving at home now in first grade. I suspect it has also helped that I am extremely clear in my own mind that we need to do this--when we finally decided to do this, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and rightness. ...The family emphasis on academics cuts both ways. My mom is invested in me being productive and intellectually engaged--but she also wants that for her grandkids! ... Also seeing me teaching I think she realizes how engaging it can be to teach this age in a way that she hadn't realized before; I'm sure that she, as a feminist, would prefer to see me making money, but it's very clear to her now that this is work that requires thought... Even my in-laws have been reassured by seeing how we spend our days. We talked to them ahead of time, answering questions (not to persuade them, but because it seems respectful to listen to their worries and give information), and said much of what they have seen--that the kids will be at park days and field trips and classes and coops and how I plan to teach--but it didn't really click for them until they saw it. I had described some of our academic work to MIL, but it wasn't until she saw me pull out some of what DS has been working on that she seemed to feel good about him learning. Even though I had described some of the things very precisely, she needed to see it in his writing to get it. (Again, it's not my primary job to make her get it, and I don't make DS be a trained monkey to show that he is learning, but this didn't seem like a bean dip moment: she was genuinely interested in how it works, and I was happy to respond to a respectful question.) .... I also think people in general are more able to make peace with actuals than hypotheticals--the reason many people do not discuss baby names until the social security papers have been signed. I'm not saying to hide your plans, but to trust that their initial response may not be reflective of how they feel once you are underway.

Oh! And a little practical advice. Maybe they would like to see your state standards and some examples of the local curriculum, compared to what you expect to do?

Good luck,

Heather

Thanks Heather for sharing, I really hope it goes so smoothly for us. I think getting the local standards and showing a comparison of what we are doing is a great idea.