I am so angry....

[Petie1104]

DSS went to his bio-mom's for the christmas break.  So because of the distance he had to fly.  No problem.  His mom was concerned, but we've done it before and it really wasn't a big deal.  DSS got there just fine and called to let us know.  OK so here is where it gets bad.

A few hours after he arrived he texts me and he seemed really angry in his text.  He said that he was talking about school with his mom.  He has to register for high school when he gets back and he was exited about getting to choose his own classes.  So he is taking Latin, and then as an elective he is taking engineering.  He is really excited about these classes so he told his mom about how he was signing up for Latin (he hadn't mentioned engineering).  Apparently she went off on him saying that Latin is a dead language and is useless and if he ever wants to find a job he has to take spanish.  So he said he decided not even to mention the engineering course to her because he doesn't want to hear about how useless she thinks that one is. 

Later, he texted me about another incident (these are all in the exact same day that he ARRIVED, you think she could have held some of this back).  Ok dss is 13, his little brother is 10.  His little brother was singing some song and looked at him after he sang it and said, 'isn't that cute?"  Well, dss said, "kinda I guess" and his mother started hollering at him about how he should think his brother is cute and how can he be cruel to his little brother.

Later, dh decided to call dss to see what exactly was going on and dss was still angry, only this time it was because they took him to buy a coat.  He had chosen some coats that were heavy coats but in a style he liked, he said they were the same price as the coat that his mom ended up getting him, but she decided she liked a "snow coat" that was big and puffy and "made him look fat".

So basically she's up to her old tricks. Can't he have ONE DAY to enjoy the fact that he is with her??  I am just so furious, especially since if he decides to come home early, he may be stuck.  We would have to call and see if there is a fee for changing his return date.  And if it gets volatile again (her hitting him again) then I don't know what we are going to do to get him out of there.  We NEED her to drive him to the airport and if she is unwilling there is no way to push the issue.  I am just furious.  I just wish this could have been a happy visit, and I am praying that she will lighten up as the days go on.  Maybe they'll be OK, or maybe she'll be working most the time.  It just made me mad that his FIRST DAY there and she starts in on him. 

[StepMomSmith]

It's a tough situation and she's obviously not helping her relationship with him.  In the end, he'll ditch the coat and take Latin, so you can comfort him when he gets home and let him make his own decisions then.  But, while hes there, he needs to try to be strong and suck it up for the sake of his little brother.  You can't rescue him everytime he isn't getting along with his mom.  DONT interfere in that relationship because it could turn on you, or at least wait until he's home to have a talk with her and help her see that she's ruining their relationship.  Encourage him to try, it is his mom and he'll love her even if he doesn't like her.  Let him know you are on his side but that, while he's there, she makes the decisions and he should try to communicate with here.  Kids tend to text one parent when their mad at the other to have an ally.

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by StepMomSmith 

It's a tough situation and she's obviously not helping her relationship with him.  In the end, he'll ditch the coat and take Latin, so you can comfort him when he gets home and let him make his own decisions then.  But, while hes there, he needs to try to be strong and suck it up for the sake of his little brother.  You can't rescue him everytime he isn't getting along with his mom.  DONT interfere in that relationship because it could turn on you, or at least wait until he's home to have a talk with her and help her see that she's ruining their relationship.  Encourage him to try, it is his mom and he'll love her even if he doesn't like her.  Let him know you are on his side but that, while he's there, she makes the decisions and he should try to communicate with here.  Kids tend to text one parent when their mad at the other to have an ally.

I know, and truly I was just venting when I wrote this.  You know, saying all those things I would never say to him or to her.  I just get frustrated when he gets frustrated.  This all happened on the first day he was there.  Since then things have escalated and I've had to remind him to behave himself. I'm a good girl, I don't open my big mouth to anyone, except the ladies on here. 

[root*children]

I'm assuming he's home by now?  How'd it all go?  Your post reminds me of my visits with my OWN mom! yes, currently.  I have just come to the resolution to stop visiting her (or at least take a break for several years).  Is that an option for your DSS?  Or maybe just shorten the visit to only a weekend or something?  For myself, I just tolerate things as best as possible.  Smile and nod and all that.  I also take Bach's Rescue Remedy.  It really does help me even as an adult to see the larger picture and not just focus on the little details that make me want to strangle the woman.

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by root*children 

I'm assuming he's home by now?  How'd it all go?  Your post reminds me of my visits with my OWN mom! yes, currently.  I have just come to the resolution to stop visiting her (or at least take a break for several years).  Is that an option for your DSS?  Or maybe just shorten the visit to only a weekend or something?  For myself, I just tolerate things as best as possible.  Smile and nod and all that.  I also take Bach's Rescue Remedy.  It really does help me even as an adult to see the larger picture and not just focus on the little details that make me want to strangle the woman.

 Unfortunately, no, he doesn't get home until Sunday.  He had decided that since he wanted to go to summer camp this summer again, that he was going to give her all of his Christmas break, all of his summer break and give up his week (we get July 1-7) with us in the summer.  That way she was actually getting more time with him and then it wouldn't be an issue for him to go to summer camp.  But, on his second or third day there, his little brother had asked if he would be there for the summer and he said, "about half of it" at which point his mother told him that him choosing summer camp over spending time with her was selfish of him and that since its her time she has decided that he will not be allowed to go to camp.  He tried to tell her that he is spending all this time simply because he wants to go to camp and then she said he was being disrespectful and the discussion was over.

Now mind you, I am getting all of this from the 13 yr. old, so I don't know how accurate it all is, but it does sound like her. He texted me and I told him not to worry about it that this was for Daddy and his mom to figure out.  Since then he has texted about once every other day or so angry or frustrated.  This last time it was because he was in his room and thought he heard his little brother barging in so he told him to get out, at which point he saw it was his mother, he apologized but she said that he was being disrespectful of his brother.  He has no right to keep his brother out of his room when all his brother wants is to spend time with him.  BLAH BLAH BLAH.  I believe that one just simply because I have heard her say that to him before.  We just keep telling him to try and get along with everyone until Sunday.

[singin'intherain]

Originally Posted by root*children 

I'm assuming he's home by now?  How'd it all go?  Your post reminds me of my visits with my OWN mom! yes, currently.  I have just come to the resolution to stop visiting her (or at least take a break for several years).  Is that an option for your DSS?  Or maybe just shorten the visit to only a weekend or something?  For myself, I just tolerate things as best as possible.  Smile and nod and all that.  I also take Bach's Rescue Remedy.  It really does help me even as an adult to see the larger picture and not just focus on the little details that make me want to strangle the woman.

I seem to remember a thanksgiving dinner where THIS particular mother offered a turkey bone to a four month old baby! *Chant* smile and nod, smile and nod...

OP, your dss is not alone, he may as well look at these visits as practice for when he has kids of his own and has to start the obligatory visits all over again!

[FireFrog]

Is there any reason to think he would blow information out of proportion? If he is honest with you regularly, then him being 13 does not mean his telling of the situation is false. His age does not make him more or less able to explain his perception of the way he is treated. The way it is being phrased sounds like you think he is exaggerating.

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by FireFrog 

Is there any reason to think he would blow information out of proportion? If he is honest with you regularly, then him being 13 does not mean his telling of the situation is false. His age does not make him more or less able to explain his perception of the way he is treated. The way it is being phrased sounds like you think he is exaggerating.

Sorry, no, I don't think he is exagerating.  I think this is honestly what is happening, but from his perspective only.  So, since he is angry, I'm getting the alot of anger from him.  I can understand it, but I have to wonder how much of it he sees simply because he expects to see it.  You know, self fulfilling prophecy.  He's on edge so he's snapping so she is responding in kind type of thing.  I didn't mean for it to come out like I thought he was blowing it out of proportion. 

[Monda]

I agree that this stinks, and it is hard as a non-bio parent who cares to see this kind of stuff being done to a child you care about and I am sorry you are having to go through it.  Even more so I am sorry your son feels so unwelcome/put down during his limited time with bio-mom.  What a blessing you and your husband are to be there to listen to him vent, to be a caring ear when he is feeling uncared for.  He is getting to see her true colors while still having you guys as a lifeline.  So many kids don't have that and just feel bad about themselves in these situations.  Support him and listen, let her do her own thing as long as risk is not eliminate, then he gets the real picture of her and the even better real picture of you and your DH and how much you care about him. 

[StepMomSmith]

It sounds like she is being unreasonable.  If he flew down there, does that mean you have him most of the time?  When he comes home, hand the summer camp situation over to his dad.  His dad should tell his mom that as DSS gets older, he'll just stop going to see his mom if this is how it is when he's there.  His mom can control him now because of custody arrangements and he's too young to drive away but when he's old enough to make his own decisions, he'll obviously rebel against his mom.  Also, it hurts his relationship with his brother because shes favoring him.  That's a toxic situation... sorry, I wish it was better : )

[FireFrog]

Originally Posted by Petie1104 

Originally Posted by FireFrog 

Is there any reason to think he would blow information out of proportion? If he is honest with you regularly, then him being 13 does not mean his telling of the situation is false. His age does not make him more or less able to explain his perception of the way he is treated. The way it is being phrased sounds like you think he is exaggerating.

Sorry, no, I don't think he is exagerating.  I think this is honestly what is happening, but from his perspective only.  So, since he is angry, I'm getting the alot of anger from him.  I can understand it, but I have to wonder how much of it he sees simply because he expects to see it.  You know, self fulfilling prophecy.  He's on edge so he's snapping so she is responding in kind type of thing.  I didn't mean for it to come out like I thought he was blowing it out of proportion. 

That's good to know -- and I completely understand the rock and hard place you are between. Even worse then your husband is.

From my own experience, all I can say is that the best thing you both can do is support him and validate him. Let him know that you don't think he is the crazy one and that he has a right to feel the way he does. The hardest part for me was supporting my daughter while not slamming her bio father.

One thing that helped for my DD was counseling for her. This helped her clarify what her feelings actually were. In addition, it would be helpful for your DH to at least consult a lawyer to see what the best move would be. Good luck.

[mizliz72]

She sounds like a real winner.  Like he said though, it's mostly for your husband to sort out with her, but I get the feeling that he is using you as a sounding board and a sympathetic ear, and it's good that he trusts you and can maybe feel better after getting this stuff off his chest.  <3

[Petie1104]

HE'S HOME!!!!!  We talked and he had used the travel time wisely to really consider and think about what he wanted to see happen.  We've discussed it and he is being very understanding and responsible in his desires of what he wants changed.  He agreed that unless absolutely necessary, he wants to avoid changing the actual wording of the CO, but that some things need to change.  So we discussed a little but for the most part just enjoyed that he's home.  He got suffocated with hugs from his brothers and sister, and he complained but you could tell he was eating it up.  Of course, then we found out his luggage was lost, so that kind of put a downer on it, but overall, we are all just happy to have him home.

[vivvysue]

it doesnt sound like exageration to me either, and hopefully wherever the coat was purchased he didn't wear it much and perhaps it can be returned and exchaged for one that he likes more :crossfingers:

he sounds like a level headed boy, here in canada the age at which children generally get a say in whether they want to go or how much is 12. i dont know where you are from but i hope that he doesnt suffer long term effects of having a mother who doesnt seem to see him as a person with feelings and ideas of his own for his own life, but rather as a younger boy who doesnt know what he wants or doesnt want.... it is sad to hear when a child has to go through this sort of behaviour with their bio parent. she is causing a lot of resentment i am sure and who knows how it might manifest itself in future years when he is much older and has a lot more testosterone in his system and heaven only knows how he might react :shake:

she isnt doing much to cause him to think highly of mothers or their role in a boys life :(

vs