All sides seem to be blaming me....

[Youngfrankenstein]

I feel a sense of frustration that my 12 month old isn't STTN.  This is my 4th baby and the one with the worst sleep habits.  Since she went through the dreaded 4-month sleep regression, there have been 1 or 2 times I've gotten more than 4 hours of sleep in a row.  Many nights she's up every hour.  She has a binky (FYI).  I nurse her some times when she's up but not every time.  We don't co-sleep and don't have any room in our bed and have never wanted to co-sleep. 

The thing is that I lay her down for her naps, give her a blanket and her binky, start her music box and walk away and she falls asleep no problem on her own.  She just can't get back to sleep on her own in the middle of the night.

I truly would not mind nursing her a few times but I am at a loss.

I hate feeling blamed that I've created this terrible "habit" that ALL SIDES seem to say.  I hear the tsking from the CIO camp but I also get frustrated with NCSS books who say "It's a rare baby that will out-grow this."

It feels weird to me that a "sleep program" is what is necessary. 

I hate that I feel blamed for the bad habit when I'm doing the best mothering I know how.  I don't like feeling accused of "enabling" her. 

At this point this isn't about feeling tired.  When I'm awake I'm fine all day.  It's more about me getting very angry with her at night.  I am getting resentful sometimes.

I guess I just wanted to express myself.

[treeoflife3]

my kiddo didn't start sleeping from bedtime til morning til after one year... and she doesn't do it anymore now.  It lasted a few months.

I don't think its anything you do or don't do ultimately... we all wake up at night but most of us can get back to sleep without remembering it - rolling over and such to get comfy again.  Little ones just haven't learned it yet.  a 12 month old who needs her binky, her blanket, and some music just might need your help getting all three things back how she needs them in the middle of the night.  She hasn't figured out yet how to grab them herself.  She is also still young enough where even if she COULD do that, she still might miss you and want to touch base again.  Remember you are there and still taking care of her so she isn't really alone.

We don't co sleep either and my kiddo absolutely will not sleep without nursing.  She used to go down with just her singing pig and her soothie and one day she refused and its been all nursing all the time.  Definitely nothing I did or didn't do... just her finding what works for her... and she is 21 months now.  I literally believe I couldn't night wean her without LOTS and LOTS of crying... and at that point... I'd feel like it were CIO even if I were there.

I get resentful too some nights.  I just want to be able to put her down with a kiss and a cuddle and an I love you and be able to really relax til its time to get up the next day.  I get frustrated nights when she won't go to sleep quickly and needs to switch sides 3 or 4 times to get relaxed again.  It drives me bonkers and I start to wonder if it will EVER happen.. if she will EVER learn to sleep on her own without mommy nursing her and spending 20-30-40 minutes putting her to sleep and helping her back to sleep again.

but then I remember that even adults struggle to get to sleep sometimes.. and we know all the ways to do it by ourselves and are capable even.  Eventually kiddos will learn how to take the reigns as well... maybe at one.. maybe two.. maybe not til five but it drops off as they age til eventually having mommy there doing it just isn't COOL to need mom anymore.  Eventually all kids hit a stage where they'd rather not bother mom and/or they'd rather be independent and figure it out themselves.

It IS frustrating though and it can definitely be easy to feel resentful.  after a year, it gets old... Its okay to feel resentful.  You aren't enabling anything though.  This isn't your fault.  You just have a baby and you are doing your best to help your kiddo.  That isn't a bad thing and your instincts will let you know if you are doing what your kid truly needs to sleep, or hindering them from their own abilities.

[Lisa1970]

Some kids just do not sleep through at this point. Ignore those who blame you. Those are the same people who will blame you for anything. Don't discuss her sleep with them and live your life as you see fit. Trust me, she will not be running to your room to wake up up in the middle of the night when she is a teenager. She is just fine. The anger you feel is probably more related to the frustration of others telling you that she should be sleeping through when she is not.

[RedPony]

Aww, this is so hard, and am I right. there. with. you.  :(  My littlest is almost 20 months old and is awake more now, and nursing more now, than EVER before.  My oldest was nightweaned at 18 months (I was pregnant) but didn't STTN until she was three.  That's right - three.  What I don't do anymore is share my struggles w/ anybody because all I get is grief (except for my one close friend and my husband). Who needs that?  I'm suffering enough here.  Plus, the baby and older child have been sick this whole week. Makes for good times.  Not. 

This is your fourth baby.  Obviously, you know what you're doing!  :hug  Every kiddo is diffent and this one needs more of you right now for whatever reason.  Teeth?  Developmental stage?  Separation fears?  Whatever it is, you're doing what you need to do to take care of your baby and you're doing awesome!  :)

I totally agree with treeoflife, you aren't enabling your baby (you're mothering!) and it isn't your fault.  It's just hard.  Damn hard sometimes. 

I'm glad you're not having trouble feeling good during the day!  I'm struggling with that one  myself.  Hang in there, mama. 

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

Some kids just do not sleep through at this point. Ignore those who blame you. Those are the same people who will blame you for anything. Don't discuss her sleep with them and live your life as you see fit. Trust me, she will not be running to your room to wake up up in the middle of the night when she is a teenager. She is just fine. The anger you feel is probably more related to the frustration of others telling you that she should be sleeping through when she is not.

I hear you but it really isn't so much what other CIO-type people think.  It is books like The No-Cry Sleep Solution that have language that feels hurtful.  I know I'm being the baby by saying that but even reading the testimonials on the website seem to suggest that you need this magical sleep program because babies "never" learn this on their own.  What is strange to me is that she wants you to train your baby to fall asleep without a nipple in his/her mouth.....well.....duh, if I could do that.....

Do you all think I've messed her up with the binky, blanket, music combo?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein 

I hear you but it really isn't so much what other CIO-type people think.  It is books like The No-Cry Sleep Solution that have language that feels hurtful.  I know I'm being the baby by saying that but even reading the testimonials on the website seem to suggest that you need this magical sleep program because babies "never" learn this on their own.  What is strange to me is that she wants you to train your baby to fall asleep without a nipple in his/her mouth.....well.....duh, if I could do that.....

Do you all think I've messed her up with the binky, blanket, music combo?

No, I don't think you messed her up.  You can teach her new way's of falling asleep, but that takes so much effort, it might not be worth it right now.

I don't have a lot of advice, but I wish I did.  My ds was like this at 12mo, and it stayed that way until about 17 or 18 mo when he finally started sleeping SOME nights.  Now, just shy of 2yo he STTN.  I know exactly what you mean about being fine all day, and then getting upset at night when she doesn't sleep, I used to get SO frustrated with the sleep issues!  It does pass though, it really really does - just at a different age for each individual child.

Sorry I don't have more advice!!

[widemouthedfrog]

Goodness no, I tried the binky to replace nursing but it didn't take over here. I was her pacifier, absolutely.

I think that the blanket and the music can stay over time. No problem there. The binky will need to go at some point and it might be a struggle, but if it's working for you now, why not wait for a while and see what happens with her sleep otherwise?

My horrific SSTN-er slept through around age 2 1/2. She just changed over time so that she would suck, then stop sucking, roll over, and put herself back to sleep.

[Bebe's Mom]

I feel you Mama. My DD is fifteen months and she has STTN about three times in her life so far. I have tried night weaning, but the best I have been able to do so far is get her down from 6 feedings a night to around 2 or 3. Sometimes she is up and down all night long, other nights she wakes up once. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It is very frustrating and I also feel resentful, because I would like to be able to sleep and have my own time. I am with her all day, and I would like my nights off! But take heart, the PP is right, it will not last forever and your child will learn to get herself to sleep at some point. I am anti binky myself, but I don't think having it at night is so bad..What I have a problem with is kids running around all day with them, especially when they are over 2. That is unacceptable IMHO.

I have read the No Cry Sleep Solution and other books,and I found some useful stuff but I don't think they are right about everything. Every kid is different and has different needs at night. Sounds to me like you are doing your best and that you are there for your LO.

[Owen'nZoe]

I don't think you did anything to mess her up at all - I think it is just her and her own sleep pattern.

My first son was like your daughter. Seriously, he slept 4 hours straight once before he turned 1. Once. Other than that, it was always in 1 and 2 hour blocks. We never tried CIO, but we did cosleep, tried Happiest Baby on the Block, tried NCSS, tried having him sleep in his own crib in his on room. I gave up on all of them. Around age 3, he suddenly turned into the best sleeper around - he went to sleep easily, and slept in until 8 or 9 in the morning. He is 6 now, and is still a terrific sleeper. It just happened naturally, no 'sleep training' involved. Interestingly, my mom says I was the exact same way as a baby. Her approach was very different from mine, and yet I would never sleep either. Genetics, maybe?

Anyway, I hope it passes quickly for you. I remember well how exhausting and frustrating it is.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by Bebe's Mom 

I feel you Mama. My DD is fifteen months and she has STTN about three times in her life so far. I have tried night weaning, but the best I have been able to do so far is get her down from 6 feedings a night to around 2 or 3. Sometimes she is up and down all night long, other nights she wakes up once. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It is very frustrating and I also feel resentful, because I would like to be able to sleep and have my own time. I am with her all day, and I would like my nights off! But take heart, the PP is right, it will not last forever and your child will learn to get herself to sleep at some point. I am anti binky myself, but I don't think having it at night is so bad..What I have a problem with is kids running around all day with them, especially when they are over 2. That is unacceptable IMHO.

I have read the No Cry Sleep Solution and other books,and I found some useful stuff but I don't think they are right about everything. Every kid is different and has different needs at night. Sounds to me like you are doing your best and that you are there for your LO.

Thank you very much for this.  She really only has the binky at sleep times and occasionally in the car (she hates the car at this age for some reason).  I just noticed yesterday that she's getting two new teeth.  It's always something, isn't it?  I remember my last dd STTN after age one but I don't remember how soon.  It feels like forever ago. 

I felt like I just needed to talk this out and felt shamed like I'd done something to "break" her and now I needed to "fix" it. 

Thanks, everyone, for the support.
 

[bodhitree]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein 

I hear you but it really isn't so much what other CIO-type people think.  It is books like The No-Cry Sleep Solution that have language that feels hurtful.  I know I'm being the baby by saying that but even reading the testimonials on the website seem to suggest that you need this magical sleep program because babies "never" learn this on their own.  What is strange to me is that she wants you to train your baby to fall asleep without a nipple in his/her mouth.....well.....duh, if I could do that.....

Do you all think I've messed her up with the binky, blanket, music combo?

I agree with you that some of the language in NCSS is hurtful and blaming. I hate the part of the book where she basically says that if her plan isn't working for you, then you must not be trying hard enough. I did try many of her strategies, and all they produced was some slight improvement. My 20mo DD still wakes 4-6 times on an average night. And FWIW, the thing that has produced the most improvement of late is figuring out some of DD's food intolerances and eliminating problem foods from her diet. Nowhere in NCSS does she mention anything about food allergies or intolerances, which seems like an incredible omission. So yeah, that book is a lot better than some of the alternatives, but it's not perfect, and the whole attitude that the author seems to have that she has THE SOLUTION for just about everyone does not seem to be based in reality.