I'm nearly the end of my second pregnancy. My first birth wasn't what I had hoped for. Ended up on pit (rupture of membranes and GBS+), opted for an epidural, ended up with a third degree tear, had a ton of swelling PP due to all the fluids they pushed into me and had issues with breastfeeding which may or may not have had anything to do all the interventions. I was lucky that my baby was born healthy, I avoided a c-section and eventually our breastfeeding was worked out.
There was zero doubt in my mind that this baby would be a homebirth. I have no interest in subjecting myself to all the hospital interventions again. I feel like I might not be so lucky to avoid a c-section again.
I did try to talk to people about my disappointment with my birth after the fact. My midwife told me that my second birth would probably be a wonderful, healing experience for me. It felt like a bit of a slap because after going through infertility treatments, I had hoped that birth would be a healing experience for me. It also felt like she was brushing off my concerns as unimportant. Feeling brushed off was what usually happened as I was told that at least my baby was healthy and at least I didn't have a c-section. Basically I felt like I was being told that I shouldn't feel upset about my birth experience because it could have been so much worse!
I requested my records from my (hospital birth) midwives office before I moved (between pregnancies). I glanced over them and was a bit surprised to see how little information was in my chart. No wonder they kept asking us what we did for a living - they never bothered to jot down even the tiniest bit about us as people. I had a birth team meeting with my midwife and the student midwife that she expects will be her assistant for my birth. We talked around about my first birth here and there and the student midwife mentioned that there was some notes about possible PPD and asked what was going on from my prospective. She was telling me that some women have feeling resurface with their second birth. It has left me wondering what - if anything - I can or should do to process my feelings about my first birth?
Thanks to anyone who managed to read through this whole thing.