I've suffered from PPD for about 5 months now, although I think a lot of it is related to my resentment towards DH. Resentment stemming from DH's lack of help during my pregnancy, even labor (he was playing video games) and now with our baby (who is colicky and high needs, oh and still wakes up 30min-1hr at night). DH isn't horrible, he's just extremely lazy and selfish with no plans to change.
Out of anger, we've both thrown the d-word out there but this time it is different. I think DH means it. He told me that he doesn't think counseling will help us (we've gone before and it did help for awhile until we stopped and DH wasn't held accountable anymore). He has told me that the baby and I can stay (I'm a SAHM) until we figure out how best to separate. How long will that be??
I'm a complete mess today. I've just been crying uncontrollably all day. I feel like the worse mom on the planet - (1) for bringing a child into this mess and (2) for not being able to hold myself together in front of him. I'm falling apart.
To make things more complicated, my parents are expecting us to travel out of state to visit them and my extended family for the holidays. The plans had been made - we are suppose to drive out on Tuesday evening. My parents have gone through so much trouble already, even buying diaper detergent for us so we wouldn't have to haul it with us. Christmas to me is a huge deal and I was looking forward to giving my baby a great first Christmas. Christmas to my DH is like any other day - he was raised by a single mom who never really celebrated anything. Well, DH told me today that he won't be going to my parents for the holidays. I thought if he had time to cool off that he would change his mind but he's made it clear that he will be spending the holidays with his mom. I thought about flying but flights are too pricey at this point and I can't drive 8 hours by myself with a fussy baby. I also don't want my family to know what is going on - I guess wishful thinking on my part that things will improve. The thought of spending Christmas all by myself (well, with baby) is making me depressed. I know my parents would fly out here in a heart beat if I told them the full story but I don't want to disrupt their plans and like I said, I want to digest this before telling anyone.
I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now - how am I going to support this baby, do I move back home with my parents, what will everyone else think, is DH really going to leave his family (or I guess, kick us out), will LO grow up with a father present in his daily life, am I going to have to put LO in daycare, how am I suppose to function???
DH is acting so cold and uncaring today. I truly think that he's just done - done with my PPD, done with being a family guy. In some ways I can't blame him, I'm sick of my mood swings too but on the other hand he made a marriage commitment.
I guess I'm looking for perspective or advice or just an ear. Thanks for listening.