The D-Word

[july2010mama]

I've suffered from PPD for about 5 months now, although I think a lot of it is related to my resentment towards DH.  Resentment stemming from DH's lack of help during my pregnancy, even labor (he was playing video games) and now with our baby (who is colicky and high needs, oh and still wakes up 30min-1hr at night).  DH isn't horrible, he's just extremely lazy and selfish with no plans to change.

Out of anger, we've both thrown the d-word out there but this time it is different.  I think DH means it.  He told me that he doesn't think counseling will help us (we've gone before and it did help for awhile until we stopped and DH wasn't held accountable anymore).  He has told me that the baby and I can stay (I'm a SAHM) until we figure out how best to separate.  How long will that be?? 

I'm a complete mess today.  I've just been crying uncontrollably all day.  I feel like the worse mom on the planet - (1) for bringing a child into this mess and (2) for not being able to hold myself together in front of him.  I'm falling apart.

To make things more complicated, my parents are expecting us to travel out of state to visit them and my extended family for the holidays.  The plans had been made - we are suppose to drive out on Tuesday evening.  My parents have gone through so much trouble already, even buying diaper detergent for us so we wouldn't have to haul it with us.  Christmas to me is a huge deal and I was looking forward to giving my baby a great first Christmas.  Christmas to my DH is like any other day - he was raised by a single mom who never really celebrated anything.  Well, DH told me today that he won't be going to my parents for the holidays.  I thought if he had time to cool off that he would change his mind but he's made it clear that he will be spending the holidays with his mom.  I thought about flying but flights are too pricey at this point and I can't drive 8 hours by myself with a fussy baby.  I also don't want my family to know what is going on - I guess wishful thinking on my part that things will improve.  The thought of spending Christmas all by myself (well, with baby) is making me depressed.  I know my parents would fly out here in a heart beat if I told them the full story but I don't want to disrupt their plans and like I said, I want to digest this before telling anyone.

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now - how am I going to support this baby, do I move back home with my parents, what will everyone else think, is DH really going to leave his family (or I guess, kick us out), will LO grow up with a father present in his daily life, am I going to have to put LO in daycare, how am I suppose to function???

DH is acting so cold and uncaring today.  I truly think that he's just done - done with my PPD, done with being a family guy.  In some ways I can't blame him, I'm sick of my mood swings too but on the other hand he made a marriage commitment. 

I guess I'm looking for perspective or advice or just an ear.  Thanks for listening. 

[EvesJourney]

Hugs to you Mama!  I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and with it being the holidays, that makes it worse.  I hope that a couple of days has given your DH a chance to cool off, and decide to go to your parents' as planned.  If not, are you able to talk to him about how you're feeling, what you want or need?  Maybe he doesn't understand what's going on for you (guys aren't that in-tune with women's emotional lives sometimes), and needs to hear it?  Would there be any harm in talking about it?  What about talking to your parents?  They're going to find out at some point anyways.  It sounds like you don't have any support right now - not from your DH anyways, and with your family being out of state, that's got to be tough.  My babe is the same age as yours (also born in July), and I still need support; with the ppd, some days are really tough.  Would it be possible to go back to a counsellor (if he won't go, even just for you as a support)?  I hope time has revealed a solution for you.  Whatever happens, don't worry about what others will think; you need to do what is best for you and your baby - period.  Babies do fine in daycare too, if that's what happens down the road; what matters is that they have quality time with a nurturing, loving parent / parents who treat them with love and respect and keep them safe.  Take care!

[MsFortune]

Breathe, Momma.  You don't have to solve all of your problems right now. 

I'd give it a few days and see if you think he means it and the marriage is really, truly over. 

As for Christmas, sometimes cheap tickets come up last minute, so I would keep looking.  Try priceline, expedia, Southwest.  Maybe look into Greyhoud or a train?  One way or another, don't be alone with your baby on Christmas.

Can you make the trip?  Eight hours with a fussy baby does not sound like a picnic, but you really need a break from your husband and the sitation.  Maybe you can stay with your parents for a few weeks?  Give this some space?

As for the future, it sounds like you have good and supportive parents.  Moving home, licking your wounds and recovering are not bad things.  I bet they would love to do that for you.  And then, make a decision about what to do.

Good luck and stay strong.

[neveryoumindthere]

This post struck me, because our situations are very similar.

For me, I'm basically staying away from him as much as possible. I know that if we "talk" we are going to get pulled into the same PATTERN and I refuse to do so. I broke the pattern a few days ago by leaving the house with all the kids and staying at my parents and now refused to go visit my IL's (who I love) because I refuse to act like things are ok.

My parents have always been my biggest obstacle and you know what after 8 years of holding it in, worried about what they and others would thing, I broke down and told my mom everything and it was the most emotional thing, she was sooo supportive!

I'd reach out to your parents, it seems like they love you and your LO a lot, they may be supportive of which ever way things go, it would be awesome and strengthening to have them on your side.

take care hun. And go do something FUN just for you to take your mind off of things for a bit.