First of all, hugs to you. Being a new mother is so wonderful, and so exhausting. Have a difficult "partner" just when you need love & patience & help the very most is acutely disappointing. I have been there.
My ex began openly abusive behavior while I was pregnant, and I was shocked. (Looking back, he'd always been very selfish, but this was unreal.) He was completely unsupportive and useless after that, (including labor, which I could not forgive him for) and I just endured it until I could get him out. It was weird because it was also the happiest time of my life - so in love with my new baby - so I didn't want to tell people, as I didn't want to let ex's (then husband) bad actions taint my experience any more than I had to. Really, though, it got easier for me when I finally did talk to people about it. I think you should tell your parents, as long as you don't think they'll try to minimize what you're saying. (Mine would not hear me/believe me/support me for a long while at first, which was awful, and it took me a long time to forgive them for that.) If you can trust them, I think you should tell them that travel is much more difficult than you'd anticipated - you're a first-time mom, how were you supposed to know?! - and I really to think they'll get that. Generations of women would get that. I really think that the first year of the baby's life, unless the new mom wants to travel - just let others travel to see the baby. (My own parents lived 6 hours away and I remember doing that drive alone when my son was around 6 months - yeah, it was hard. Not impossible, just hard.) If you're having marriage problems - people will get that too, without you going into details about it if you don't want. People have been there.
Add to that the colic/no-sleep issue... exhaustion which makes everything seem bleak and unendurable. (Which by the way does get so, so much better. You're in the thick of it now, the no-sleep cloud, but you will survive it and find yourself in there again!) Add to that the selfish husband who's exhibited some shockingly selfish behavior (he proudly admits he wants the single life - NOT what a new mother needs to hear from her husband!) - overwhelming. So if they'll come visit, let them come. They can have another party another time, don't feel bad. The diaper detergent can sit until you're ready to visit; you'll use it another time. I know it's so disappointing that your H won't pull it together for a holiday that you envisioned being so lovely, but it can be a different sort of loveliness, and really, even if he was there I'd imagine it would be hard to be around him, knowing his attitude. It is fully his loss. You don't necessarily have to tell your parents the extent of things right away, you can do it in your own time, or even just say there's a lot going on, but you need time to think on it before you say too much. Whatever you'd like to say. Not sure what they're like but hopefully will respect that. You can give your baby a great first Christmas no matter what! Really. I was in the thick of it too at that time (my son was also a July baby, so the same age at Christmas) and of course they don't get the details anyway - but he liked the lights and the colors and sparkles and toys and music. Yours will too!
And not that you're ready to sort through the details yet, if ever, but I just want to assure you that your husband is full of it, "letting" you and the baby stay in your family home. There's no "let" about it - it's yours too! If he really thinks that divorce means kicking you out and then he eases back into being a swinging bachelor - boy, does he have another thought coming. It's more like you get half of all assets (the house, things like stocks, his retirement money), he pays 17-20% of his income each month, plus maintenance (alimony) for a period of time, health insurance and a large percentage of possible childcare. (In my case, the one thing my ex actually went along with is that he'd have had to pay a daycare so much in our area, it made more sense for me to just get the money instead!) If he's really as "done" as you say, a lawyer will let him know all those things and give him a little reality check.
But right now, don't sweat that stuff. Just know he can't kick you out; he doesn't have the power to do that. Having a baby can make you feel very vulnerable, I well remember. I hope you can just spend the holidays peacefully in your own way, hopefully with your parents around, and know you don't have to decide anything right away.
Originally Posted by july2010mama
I've suffered from PPD for about 5 months now, although I think a lot of it is related to my resentment towards DH. Resentment stemming from DH's lack of help during my pregnancy, even labor (he was playing video games) and now with our baby (who is colicky and high needs, oh and still wakes up 30min-1hr at night). DH isn't horrible, he's just extremely lazy and selfish with no plans to change.
Out of anger, we've both thrown the d-word out there but this time it is different. I think DH means it. He told me that he doesn't think counseling will help us (we've gone before and it did help for awhile until we stopped and DH wasn't held accountable anymore). He has told me that the baby and I can stay (I'm a SAHM) until we figure out how best to separate. How long will that be??
I'm a complete mess today. I've just been crying uncontrollably all day. I feel like the worse mom on the planet - (1) for bringing a child into this mess and (2) for not being able to hold myself together in front of him. I'm falling apart.
To make things more complicated, my parents are expecting us to travel out of state to visit them and my extended family for the holidays. The plans had been made - we are suppose to drive out on Tuesday evening. My parents have gone through so much trouble already, even buying diaper detergent for us so we wouldn't have to haul it with us. Christmas to me is a huge deal and I was looking forward to giving my baby a great first Christmas. Christmas to my DH is like any other day - he was raised by a single mom who never really celebrated anything. Well, DH told me today that he won't be going to my parents for the holidays. I thought if he had time to cool off that he would change his mind but he's made it clear that he will be spending the holidays with his mom. I thought about flying but flights are too pricey at this point and I can't drive 8 hours by myself with a fussy baby. I also don't want my family to know what is going on - I guess wishful thinking on my part that things will improve. The thought of spending Christmas all by myself (well, with baby) is making me depressed. I know my parents would fly out here in a heart beat if I told them the full story but I don't want to disrupt their plans and like I said, I want to digest this before telling anyone.
I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now - how am I going to support this baby, do I move back home with my parents, what will everyone else think, is DH really going to leave his family (or I guess, kick us out), will LO grow up with a father present in his daily life, am I going to have to put LO in daycare, how am I suppose to function???
DH is acting so cold and uncaring today. I truly think that he's just done - done with my PPD, done with being a family guy. In some ways I can't blame him, I'm sick of my mood swings too but on the other hand he made a marriage commitment.
I guess I'm looking for perspective or advice or just an ear. Thanks for listening.