How many children do you have?

[Lisa1970]

Ummm...I have...ummmm.....gee...is that a bird over there?

I hate hate hate this question.

Anyway, I am just so sad over this these days. 

Sometimes, when I know I will never see the person/people again, I just include my babies that died, but not the ones I miscarried. Would you believe I have lost count of my miscarriages? 

Anyway....7...I have 7 children. If a grandparent dies, you do not say you do not have a grandparent. You still acknowledge the grandparent and if it comes up, you would say he/she passed away. Why is it so taboo to admit that we had other children too? I know how old my children should be right now. My children should have been 16, 14, 9, 9, 6, 4, and 1. Instead, one of my should be 9 yr olds is gone as well as my 4 yr old is gone. I really feel like a bad mother over this. I keep miscarrying and I feel like it is because I did not take better care of the children I had (because two of them have died). I love the children that are with me so much.

My angel ornament for my first son who died is sort of missing, but I did not finish unpacking. My other son never had an ornament. 

Anyway, just talking. Wanted to post as I have been having such a hard time these days.

[Jenne]

Lisa, I completely understand! I had a break down at Babies R' Us over the, "Is this your first child?" question. There is no easy way to answer. Tell strangers personal information or lie? That isn't a great choice. I finally asked a midwife (not my midwife, just part of the group) who asked if this is my first and she said that it was okay to give different answers depending on how I was feeling and if I wanted to discuss the losses or would see the person again. That made sense to me.

I wish you peace.

Jenne

[nurunannesi]

I am glad other people hate this question. I have decided for myself that I just want to be able to say 3, I have 3, and then I can explain if they ask. Just because part of what I hate, is that it's not okay to talk about and nobody seems to know how. I guess I want part of what I can take from my sadness and the horribleness of it all, is an acceptance that death is normal. We might not like how it happens but it's going to happen, to every one of us and all of us. And it should be okay to talk about...this is hard in a culture (in the U.S.) that wants to be forever young and generally delays death with every medical trick in the bag. But I want it to be okay for me, and I want to honor my daughter, and I want her sisters to grow up not scared of their own eventual deaths. So I guess it will have to be okay for me to be comfortable making other people uncomfortable...though certainly their discomfort is not my goal. It's just my own little private activism, I guess...to try to get death to be a little bit normal, which is even harder with the death of a child. It's not a little thing, it's not a simple thing and it's not something any of us likes...but I can't look at death the same way as I did (or rather, didn't) before.

[maisiedotes]

I have trouble with this too.  I am currently pregnant and if someone asks me how many children I have, I say this is my fifth pregnancy and I have 2 children at home.  I think people just don't know what to say to something so tragic.. if it is someone I know who didn't know about my stillbirth, I will tell them, but I don't usually tell strangers.  I tend to break down when I talk about it, still, and it makes them uncomfortable too.  Someone once said "You can choose who you share your angel with" and that has stuck with me.  :hug

[KBG8]

I have baby's feet tattooed on my left foot... like i will always be carrying my angles with me.. reminds me of the footprint poem...

I lost my first pregnancy 3 months along in the beginning of 2001, I then gave birth to a son in 2004 and then a son in 2006...lost a 2nd baby in the fall of 2007.... I think about it often... I like that I always have them with me in my tattoo... I also have 2 non biological children who are 12 and 10.  They are mine now :) 

I always say I have 4 kids... because I have 4 living...and usually do not want to explain... when asked about my tattoo sometimes I tell and sometimes I do not... it's my choice...