New to Adoption

[leilamom]

My DH and I, after a long struggle with infertility, have finally come around full circle to the decision to adopt.  We had to go through a lot of discussion and I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that this is how we are going to add to the family.  What are some of the things we need to think of when considering adoption?  We have two options for adopting that we are comfortable with 1.) Adopting an infant from foster care, either gender, any race, and some levels of special needs to a degree or 2.) A mostly closed private infant (newborn) adoption with an agency.  We would like some advice of how to start for those that have BTDT.  I know NO ONE who has adopted and it seems like most of the resources where we live are for Christian adoption, which doesn't fit our beliefs.  Any insight would be much appreciated.

[Smithie]

Infant adoption through the foster system is the choice we made for our family, and in my state it's a fairly good choice for people who want to to adopt infants. I would definitely say to look there first, as it's 1) free and 2) putting your resources into your own community. You may find that infant adoptions through your state are very rare, and that people who want to adopt infants end up fostering several before a case goes to adoption. Then you have to decide if you can handle that. 

[sugarandspice697]

Welcome to the  boards!

From what we had experienced, foster to adopt might be the best choice for you (depending on what special needs you are open to). Honestly, if you are not open to contacting/meeting the birth parents, you will find domestic infant adoption to be difficult. We tried to adopt through agencies and attorneys and they told us that we needed to be open to at least exchanging letters and photos to the  birth mother. If you not open to at least that, you might wait years for a match. Foster care often had babies if you are willing to foster them first then adopt them. There is a possibility that the child might be returned to the birth parents so you need to be open to that possibility.

As for the Christianity thing, we also had similar issues since we live in the South and most people and institutions fairly "religious" down here. There are lots of agencies that work with families of different faiths and most of them are located in the Northeastern and Western part of the United States.

To start with adopting from foster care, you need to contact your local DFCS and ask about orientation meetings for perspective adoptive parents. They are usually held once a month.

[lauren]

Welcome! Also look in the resource thread at the top of the Adoptive Foster Parenting forum for a lot of helpful info!

[SundayCrepes]

You can get info on adoptive nursing at www.asklenore.com, though it might now be www.asklenore.info. Although, if you go through foster/adopt state law may prevent you from nursing.

I'd say ask more questions about open adoption. Most adoptive parents learn the benefits open adoption has on the children and end up preferring open adoptions.

Our state only has one agency that works with non-religious families. We had lots of problems with that agency so went private. I did various forms of advertising and we hired an adoption attorney.

Our daughter is 28 months and still nursing. The birthmom wants less contact than we want. Oh well.

[Whistler]

Welcome!

We adopted domestic newborn (open adoption) and now we are doing international.

We decided open adoption was right for us because we think it is healthier for our son and for his birth-mom.  It's not shared parenting roles, just shared information and occasional visits.  So far it has been a wonderful experience.  Not trying to change your minds, just giving you our experience to toss in your pot if info.  :)

[marsupial-mom]

We are adopting through fostercare. Our baby was 3 days old when he came to us. He'll be a year soon. Even though all signs point to adoption, it's still a long hard road with lots of uncertainty. And like you, we don't have lots of friends or family members who have done any kind of adoption so explaining the foster-adopt process to people can be really difficult. A lot of people just make hurtful assumptions and blurt out inappropriate comments.

While I think the foster parent training is worthwhile for all parents and I recommend that anyone interested in adoption go through it, I really do think that if you're leaning towards closed adoption then foster-adopt is probably not a good fit for you. Foster-adopt requires a lot of flexibility and it's unlikely that you'll be able to move straight into adoption with an infant. An old child - toddler or older - sure, but probably not an infant. An infant is unlikely to have already have been TPR'd and on the fast track to adoption.

May I ask why you are interested in a closed adoption? If you are uncomfortable with contact with the birth parents then I'd highly recommend against adoption through fostercare unless you want to adopt a child who is already available for adoption (probably not an infant).

[Smithie]

This varies very much by state, I'm sure, but in my state foster/adopt is a very good route to closed adoption. You are in no way obligated (and often very strongly discouraged) from allowing any form of contact with any biofamily after the case plan changes to adoption.

We are hoping to adopt from foster care, and planning no direct contact with biofamily before age 18. I ask every worker I deal with if that's an issue, and they look at me as though I am delusional and tell me that they won't even have a contact address that works for very long.

[sugarandspice697]

Also, in regards to the openness, you have to decide what is best for you at this point. There are some people (including me) who learn a lot about open adoption and still are not interested in birth parent contact yet... do not let anyone (including the lovely ladies on this board) try to pressure you to accept open adoptions. Open adoption is not always in the best interest of everyone involved in the adoption triad and there are many birth mothers and adoptees who could give a care about their origins or their offspring. My best friend was informally adopted and she has no interest in finding her biological parents and never wanted any contact with her.

I just hate it when people make generalizations about open adoption on these boards.... even when their intentions are good.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by sugarandspice697 

Also, in regards to the openness, you have to decide what is best for you at this point. 

I just hate it when people make generalizations about open adoption on these boards.... even when their intentions are good.

I would like to gently add that what you must consider is what is best for the child, not the parent.  A generalization is just that, a statement of what is true for most.  My daughter's adoption is not open because her birthmother is not at a place where it could be open.  And my daughter suffers greatly for this.

I think the hardest thing about adoption, and maybe parenting in general, is always putting your emotions aside.  Or at least sparing your child from them. 

 

[pumpkingirl71]

Yikes, this new format jsut ate my post!  I said more, but the gist was to check with agencies.  You may be surprised how "closed" and open adoption is.  But I adopted from foster care, and I would advocate that :)

 

 2.) A mostly closed private infant (newborn) adoption with an agency.   

[sugarandspice697]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 

Originally Posted by sugarandspice697 

Also, in regards to the openness, you have to decide what is best for you at this point. 

I just hate it when people make generalizations about open adoption on these boards.... even when their intentions are good.

I would like to gently add that what you must consider is what is best for the child, not the parent.  A generalization is just that, a statement of what is true for most.  My daughter's adoption is not open because her birthmother is not at a place where it could be open.  And my daughter suffers greatly for this.

I think the hardest thing about adoption, and maybe parenting in general, is always putting your emotions aside.  Or at least sparing your child from them. 

 

I believe its impossible to solely do what is in the best interest of the child. There are some children who do not care about their origins or open adoption. Although I am very sorry that your daughter is experiencing grief, parents cannot make a blanket statement like "adoptions must be open because adoptees want to know about their birth parents" is what annoys me about the adoption community. Just because your daughter is grieving about her loss, doesn't mean that mine will.

Like I mentioned before, I hate it when people on these boards make generalizations about open adoption and try to convince people that open adoption is the best way to raise an adopted child. I vehemently disagree with that.

[Smithie]

I don't disagree that direct-contact open adoption is best for some adoptees and some adoptive parents - but I do get a little sick of hearing that it's the "right" way to adopt. There is no one "right" way to adopt. If there's a family situation with more complexity and more variables than adoption, well, I haven't heard of it. 

[leilamom]

Wow, I had no idea that the whole open vs. closed adoption thing was such a big issue that people had such strong feelings about.  I find it interesting to consider the best interests of the child, because when you adopt an infant, you have no idea how that child will feel about the adoption when they are older and what they would want, so I'm not sure how to plan for every contigency.  The reason my DH and I were looking for a closed adoption is I am extremely uncomfortable about maintaining a relationship with the birth mother father and their extended family.  I just know how much stupid drama I have with my own family...adding a whole other family into the mix just seems like it could get out of control.  Maybe I am over thinking that.  I would be comfortable with some contact with the birth family through an intermediary (like a lawyer or an agency) but am not wild about direct contact.  

I would like to hear more detailed thoughts about why some think it is good to have an open vs. a closed adoption and to what degree you have an open relationship with the birth family.  I know there are all different degrees of an open adoption.

[SundayCrepes]

Our daughter's birth mom initially wanted a closed adoption. We were thrilled a few months later when she asked if she, her mom, and her other children could come by and visit. We had a nice visit even though we have nothing in common. We mainly talked about the baby and played with all the kids. We had a few more visits then they started cancelling or not showing or simply not responding to my invitations. 

I will not invite her again as I don't want to be a nag and she is aware we are open to visits. HOWEVER, once my daughter is of an age where it would hurt her if they made plans and didn't show, the rules change and I will be VERY careful about any plans we make since we have a history of not following through with visits.

Despite that our open adoption didn't go the way I hoped, I'm still supportive of them. We hoped for small, sort of frequent visits (Three times a year for a couple hours at a time.)  Enough so our daughter would know these people, but not enough to impact our lives.

I took plenty of photos and videos when we got together. Our daughter will have a sense of how her birthfamily looks, talks, and moves.

I do send monthly (or so) updates and photos. I save copies of all. When our daughter gets older I want her to know I was willing to support whatever type of relationship she wants with her birth family.

I think that's the reason I am so supportive of open adoptions (when it's safe.) None of us can know now what type of relationship our children will want with their birthfamilies when they are grown. A closed adoption prevents our children from developing any sort of early relationship with their birthfamilies. If our kids grow up having longed for these relationships but denied them, they will have more losses to contend with. If our kids grow up not caring about the birthfamily, but did know them in a safe manner while growing up, I don't see the harm.

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by leilamom 

I would like to hear more detailed thoughts about why some think it is good to have an open vs. a closed adoption and to what degree you have an open relationship with the birth family.  I know there are all different degrees of an open adoption.

I can give you my perspective:  You are correct; there is no way of knowing how your child will feel at 5, 15, 22...but we felt that it would be much harder for our daughter to go back and search later on than to keep things open from the start.  Also, we were at a workshop where the presenter asked if you would rather have your child negotiating the relationship with their birth family while you were still there to help and guide them, or be doing it without your help once they were a young adult.  That made an impression on me as well.

it is very clear that for my daughter to know her birth mother, to have met her birth mother, to be in regular contact, has been deeply meaningful to her.  It is comforting for my daughter to know that she looks like someone - this may seem trivial to a non-adopted person, but I have heard many adult adoptees speak to this loss.  She is able to ask questions about her biological family, and maintain a sense of connection to her roots.  She knows that her birthmother did not place her for adoption out of anger, or because she was a bad baby, or any of the other ideas children sometimes have; she can hear, directly, that her birth mother loves her and wants the best for her.  (I understand we are quite lucky in that regard, but our experience is not completely unusual either.)  Our biggest regret is only that we are unable to visit more often (we have an open international adoption and we are not wealthy enough for frequent visits!)  

I think it is quite common for people new to adoption to feel very uncomfortable with the idea of open adoption.  There can be a lot of fear involved.  But honestly, when you adopt, you become the legal parent, and you have the power to shape the contact in the way that seems most helpful and beneficial to your child.  In my view, a child cannot have too many mothers.  My daughter will happily tell you that she has four - her birth mother, foster mother, me and my partner.  All it means is more love.