did i just embarass myself and make a big stink for nothing? - Page 2

[pumpernickel]

and really i don't even go that far (marriage first, no spending time together) - i have accepted that they spend time together and i think she is a great gal. but ds is already very attached, she is going on vacation the next 2 weeks and i told him she was going on an airplane and vacation to see her mama and daddy and all he wanted to know was that she was coming back. he calls her "my *****name***" its adorable. shes offered to help with some childcare for ds and the only reason i hesitate is because what if they broke up and she just couldn't see him anymore because it was too hard. i cant help break his heart in that way. and not only will ex not know how to parent his son if she is not around but he will probably withdraw when i have grown dependent on him to have ds while i work (this has already happened twice during their last two drama filled we might break up moments, he canceled his visits and i was left high and dry without afternoon childcare).

[pumpernickel]

i know for a fact that they met in July right before ds birthday and that they started dating. they are def not living together. she has a very nice house and ex has complained to me many times that he always has to stay the night at her house and she never wants to sleep at his (unless the boy is there i guess). i am really searching myself to make sure this not about jealousy or control and it is truly not. i would have not said anything to her if it was. i would have just said something to ex again because i know i would have been too embarrassed to make a stink. this is seriously about what is best for our ds and i honestly believe it is not okay for her to spend the night yet. 

[SomethingAnonymous]

Hey,

I completely sympathize.  When my ex brought a girlfriend into his life, our daughter's life, I felt the same way.  I didn't like it at all, but in the end I had no say.  If there isn't a court order saying it's not allowed, then we are powerless to stop it.  All you can do is ask, otherwise it is his house and if you willingly give him visitation, he can do whatever he wants with that time.  If you are very serious about it, then get a parenting plan that says what you want, and get it filed in court. 

[skimmilf]

One thing another single mom friend and I thought about when our ds's were little (WRT boyfriends/dating and how it is really impractical to be a single mom with a toddler and have them not be around the person you are seeing) is that children are going to form relationships with other adults/caregivers that may be short term or temporary.

They may have a full time daycare provider, Nanny or baby sitter that they grow very attached to for their early years but who are not a permenant fixture forever.

They may have a preschool teacher who they adore who relocates earlier then expected.

They might be very close to a neighbor or close friend of yours or the exes who moves away, etc.

I honestly think that when they have to accept change, it is good for them. It's a fact of life that relationships change. It shouldn't with the parents of course....but she's not his parent, she is his Dad's girlfriend. His parents sound pretty committed to him.

Would it be helpful to you to have a discussion with her about how, should things not work out with the ex, that she stay in touch with your Ds? My son has a godfather, Mike, who is in his "dad" role up here, since birth, since Ds's dad lives far away and was not always involved. Mike got involved with a lovely girl, Kristi, when Ds was about 7. He sees her every weekend and they do a lot together. Kristi and I have discussed (during the times when she and Mike are not doing so well) that she will ALWAYS be welcome in my house and in Dominic's life, reguardless of Mike.

I think you are wise to be concerned about possible attachment/loss issues for your Ds....but they are going to happen at times and may be beyond your control. & it may not be realistic to hope that there will only be one partner for each of you throughout his youth.

I would focus more on a clear boundry about parenting roles and other supportive relationships that are not a parental role.

That's just my 2 cents, though....take it with a grain of salt.

[goodygumdrops]

I completely agree.  I have been thinking about this with my own son and I will not be introducing him to significant others unless it's serious.  I expect my ex to do the same.  Kids need stability and I certainly don't feel comfortable with them seeing mom or dad being affectionate towards multiple partners, as we date.