trouble liking one of your own children...

[mommaof3boz]

This sounds absolutely horrible but I simply do not "like" my oldest son.  I love him.  I truely do.  But I generally do not like him.  He is rude to me and dh.  Everything is a battle with him.  To get him to do the simplest things is a battle.  He's not on drugs, doesn't drink.  I know that without a doubt.  He is bright, does well in school.  However, he seems to have no concern or feelings for anyone but himself.  He will argue about the simplest things.  I honestly can't wait for him to go to college or move out on his own.  He makes our house miserable.  My dh is just as much at loss with him and what to do with him as I am.  Its so sad.  I look back to his baby yrs and miss that person.  But ever since about age 3 he changed.  Everything in his life is stable.  His parents are happily married, he lives on a farm, already has a truck for when he gets his license, we eat dinners as a family every night, there is no fighting in our home except what is centered around him.  I'm just at loss.   Has anyone went thru this and came out with an adult child they could reconnect with?  Or even a sibling that their parents went thru this with??

[MPsSweetie]

:hug

I went through a phase where my dd drove me up the wall, and I still don't feel as close to her as I think I should.  It's hard...  I wish I had some great advice.  I, myself, just make myself try extra hard to feel close to her, feel loving toward her, talk with her, etc...  But she is a lot younger than yours.

[Mylie]

Don't beat yourself up for your feelings..You are human..I went through the same situation with my son...And I felt darn guilty..I said the same thing for many years about him..I loved him dearly but I just didn't like him ...It was the behavior ect...that I truely didn't like..I am sure it is the same for you and your husband..I  also couldn't wait till he turned 18.It did get better after he turned 18 although alot of the problems for him reamined..They just weren't centered on me and in my house because I didn't have to put up with it anymore.It will be okay...Your son is going to find that the real world won't put up with that and he will either change his behavior or suffer his own consequences..My son is special needs and is stilll suffering his..I help him but I refuse to let him live with me again because I have said I won't ever put up with that kind of verbal abuse in my home again..I help him with other situations since I am his payee for his SS but I no longer feel the constant stress from that behavior and treatment.

You are not alone and as sad as it is there a light at the end of the tunnel..Even if it is when he turns 18 and you tell him that he can no longer live in your house because you won't be his verbal punching bag anymore...I also strongly suggest counceling even if your son refuses to go..my son did refuse to go after awhile but I continued..It helped me see so much that it wasn't my fault.

From a mama who knows exactly how you feel right now...

[Ellp]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your son.  I'm not in your situation as I have 2 girls and they're much younger but I do recall hearing something about a study done on male teen brains. 

In summary the thought was that during their teens, the majority of boys' brains aren't fully developed yet and so they honestly can't think of anything beyond the immediate situation and they can't think beyond themselves.  Its not till they're in their late teens/early twenties that they can think "around the bend", and of others.  I'm sorry I can't be more specific than that as I heard this on the radio as I was driving and the kids were yelling in the back.

[dawningmama]

I'm going to move this over to teens.

FWIW, I think my mom probably felt this way about me in my teens. We share a house now and are very close and she's very close with my kids. In a lot of ways and for a lot of reasons, many teens are super self-involved (certainly not all, but many I've known and I was) and I think that does fade/change as they go through different life stages.

[ktgrok]

Originally Posted by mommaof3boz 

This sounds absolutely horrible but I simply do not "like" my oldest son.  I love him.  I truely do.  But I generally do not like him.  He is rude to me and dh.  Everything is a battle with him.  To get him to do the simplest things is a battle.  He's not on drugs, doesn't drink.  I know that without a doubt.  He is bright, does well in school.  However, he seems to have no concern or feelings for anyone but himself.  He will argue about the simplest things.  I honestly can't wait for him to go to college or move out on his own.  He makes our house miserable.  My dh is just as much at loss with him and what to do with him as I am.  Its so sad.  I look back to his baby yrs and miss that person.  But ever since about age 3 he changed.  Everything in his life is stable.  His parents are happily married, he lives on a farm, already has a truck for when he gets his license, we eat dinners as a family every night, there is no fighting in our home except what is centered around him.  I'm just at loss.   Has anyone went thru this and came out with an adult child they could reconnect with?  Or even a sibling that their parents went thru this w

Could he have Asperger's? or be bipolar?

[whatsnextmom]

Teenagers are tough for a reason... to make things easier when they leave the nest. If we had to send our sweet little 8-year-olds aways to college, well, we couldn't do it. It's much easier to send out your "baby" when they are driving you crazy and they've spent several years getting you to give them more and more independance.

Some personalities are tougher too. My 13-year-old daughter and I have a complicated relationship. In some ways, we are a LOT alike and we're both really grating on eachother's nerves right now. I understand it. I was the same with my own mom. I have faith that as long as we are both reasonably careful with eachother (and we are) that we'll find our way back once we're out of this difficult stage or independance finding and boundery laying.

My little brother was incredibly difficult. I mean, extremely so... more so than it sounds like your DS is. He used to have major fights with my parents nightly. He'd do things like punch holes in walls and throw things out the window. It's a little too emotional for me to talk about really. I just kept my distance and tried my best to never be a worry to my parents. I knew they couldn't handle anything more. My parents and him and come together now that he's an adult and get along well. Unfortunately, my brother and I have not talked in a couple years but it's more peaceful that way.

[McGucks]

What a marvelous and timely thread.  I have a 15 year old son and I had thought of writing in on this same topic.  Yes, I love him.  No, I do not always like him.  Yes, I feel guilty.  And yes, I think this is way normal amongst folks who are honest with themselves.  DS1 and I were likely closer than many since his dad and I divorced when he was 3.5.  We co-slept until he was around 11 and were just very, very close and loving.  Other parents would comment on our good relationship--yet, he wasn't a "momma's boy"--we were just very in tune.  When he turned 14 and I got pregnant by my second husband, DS1 morphed into someone who only sometimes resembled that child who I missed so terribly when he was gone.  Now, when he goes to have his time with his father, I have to admit that I look forward to his leaving and find it to be a relief.  I have a 9 month old baby as well, so I am sure this plays a part.  The conclusion I've come to (for myself, anyway) is that when you have a pre-adolescent, you are IN love with them...want to be with them all the time, want to cuddle them, can't imagine life without being close as much as possible.  As they age, the "in love" evolves into just love.  It is a whopping big contrast compared to the feelings I have for my baby.  A secondary issue for me is that certain mannerisms DS1 has remind me of his dad...it is hard because I don't like seeing that ex-husband stuff.  A third issue is that I had a very traumatic childhood that included over a decade of sexual abuse by someone who I knew prior to and during his own adolescence...so seeing DS1 becoming a sexual being knocks very hard at my PTSD door sometimes.  What a bundle of mess.  As far as advice--I heard somewhere that, in dealing with teens, to make sure that, every day, you do three things:  tell them you love them, look them in the eye, and make some kind of physical contact (even just a pat on the shoulder).  Little things, perhaps, but things that are likely a very good idea.  Thumbs up to you for doing family dinners--we do them also, even on nights when I would honestly prefer it just be taking something to DS1's room.  Parenting a teenager well is a tough business.  Much support and luck to you.

[sublimeliving]

You said he doesn't do drugs; he doesn't drink,and he does well in school. Could you be more specific on why you don't like him? I read that he is moody, but that is normal teenage behavior. Is there something else?

[skreader]

I went through something like this briefly w/ my DD when she was about 12 or 13 (boys mature later?). She seemed very self-absorbed, argumentative, sometimes sullen. She was so... ADOLESCENT.   One thing we did (DH and me) was to let her know when she was doing it and that we didn't much care for it.  We even joked about it a bit ("Why must you be so adolescent?!! Oh yes, you are one...") and that helped too.

She (almost 15 now) has been much easier to get along with for at least a year or so. I think that a lot of it is just growing up. I am waiting to see how things progress w/ DS. He is now almost 13.

[McGucks]

Mommaof3boz:  How goes it?  Did any of the posts help?  I have been thinking about you for awhile and thought I'd check in (also PM'd you).