How to deal with tantrums from child not getting what they want?

[livinlovinlaughin]

My 2yr old is mostly mild and loving. When he misses a nap or gets over tired he starts acting up. I can deal with the acting up. Lately when he is in this state and wants something that he can not have he gets very upset. He cries and screams. I think it is because he is so tired. I try to stay calm, show him, and tell him that I love him while trying to give him words to express what he is feeling. The problem is I do not know how to get him to understand why he can not have what he wants at that moment. (I do pick my battles. I am not always saying no to things.) 

Advice on how to deal with a tantrum from not getting what he wants and how to get him to understand what is happening (why I am saying no). What would you do? I prefer to help him learn and let him know I love him even though I am saying no and he is getting upset, that I am not being mean or tring to make him feel bad. I do not believe he needs to be punished but I feel that once I say no I can not give in especially once he screams.

[Nicole730]

My son is just over 2.5 and he doesn't nap any longer and definitely has more screaming fits than he used to.  I usually just let him know that I understand he is upset, but it's not time for XYZ.  I remind him what his choices are at the moment.  Whether that be two other toy options or two other food options.  When his screaming is disrupting his sleeping sister, I tell him that it's okay for him to be upset, but he will have to do it in his room.  When he is calmed down he can come out and join us.  The meltdowns only last a minute or two usually, so either what I am doing is working or else DS just isn't prone to big meltdowns.  I also remind him that it is okay to cry and be upset, but that isn't going to change my answer.  Basically, I talk calmly for a few sentences and then let him be.  If he is hitting his sister on purpose or hurting someone else, he does go "take a break" in his room because he obviously needs a break from other people.  I let him know that it's okay to take a break sometimes when it's hard to control himself.

[mamazee]

I think they learn the concept of futility through the tantrums - that they can't always get what they want, and that it's OK to not alwayws get what you want.  And I think tantrums are important for some children in learning this - getting so upset about not getting what they want, and in the end having it not been such a big deal that they didn't get what they wanted.  I would just let him go through the tantrums and briefly empathize (Oh, you really wanted x) and then just let him know you're nearby when he needs you.  I wouldn't talk too much because they don't process much during the tantrum.  He'll outgrow them when he's learned this.  But the ultimate lesson is "it wasn't that big of a deal after all" so I'd try to not make too much of a big deal over the tantrums.

[Cavy]

I grit my teeth, ignore, dream of when I can open the wine.  And eventually the tantrum subsides.  

[Cavy]

This is bane of my life -- I have 4 DC age 2-11 and I still haven't mastered it.

But I do find, with time, that the stronger I am about standing my ground the more they go along with it, and the easier it is to stand my ground in future.  I am quite "soft" really, and not good at being authoritarian at all.

It's not always that simple (correction, it's rarely that simple), but being a tough mean Bear of a Mama does seem to pay its own dividends.  As long as they know they have their best interests at heart and won't argue over trivial stuff, they will accept me saying No most the time.... Eventually!!