I made a mistake, how do I help my 2yo to heal from it

[nickysan]

My 2yo has suddenly started to have major tantrums all the time and seems unhappy and out of sorts even when she's not in a full blown meltdown. After asking her a few questions I have discovered that she is angry with me. We have been having coat battles lately and my tactic of when she's cold she'll put it on just hasn't been working, the temp has been -5 here and I decided that I just couldn't let her go out without a coat in this freezing weather so I have started insisting, the other day in one of our coat battles in my frustration I made the mistake of telling her that she couldn't go out without her coat and that I would go out without her, to reinforce this, I went out of the front door and shut the door with her still in the house for about 30 seconds. She was devastated, wrapped up in my own feelings I didn't realize how terrified she must have been. After her tantrum today when I asked her why she was so angry with mummy she mentioned this incident. I actually think that her feelings might also go back to a couple of other occasions where I have walked out on her, ie, left the room or gone upstairs when I have felt that I just couldn't cope with being hit or screamed. On reflection I realize that those were the times that she really needed me and I abandoned her. We have a really close relationship, co sleep and still bf so I know that feeling abandoned by me must be a massive deal to her. I am desperate for some ideas of how I can help her heal from this and trust me again. Any ideas gratefully welcomed by a very sorry mummy

[mmmmochi]

Nicky,

I am not saying that walking out and making her think you were gone was the best way you could have handled the situation, but really, you are human, a mother. You should move on and stop torturing yourself over this. You didnt hurt her, she will forget and certainly forgive you.

Two is not the easiest age for some children. She sounds like she is just testing her boundaries, like all toddlers do. Testing your limits and hers..

If it were me, I would tell her that you are sorry you scared her by shutting the door, and you would never ever leave her. Reassure her that you are there, forever. Then forgive yourself.

As far as wont get dressed, wont put coat on. It becomes a power struggle I found when mine were small. ` Do it` - `shant because you told me to.`. When I calmed down and stopped pushing, the kids generally stopped fighting against me.

Walking away to calm down when the child is being very trying is something positive. Not out the house, but to another room for a few moments. Just make sure she knows you are still in the house. Still available, no harm done.

I give my youngest a warning, a heads up, that we are going to leave, and that the weather requires a coat, or wellies etc. So it isnt a demand, just passing information. I get my coat on, and call him to come along, as its time to go now. Again, I dont make it a battle of wills, I jsut state its a fact, that it is happening. He doesnt always put his coat on. So I carry it with mine. If it is cold, he asks for it within minutes!

Please, dont feel bad, you know it was not the best way you could have dealt with things, but it was not unforgiveable.

mochi

[lifeguard]

When I do something I regret with ds I apologize & am honest with him. He may not understand all the words but I believe he understands the intent. Then I make sure to follow through & not do that thing again.

[MeepyCat]

I want to suggest (gently!) that we do not always do best by our children when we take them too seriously.

There are two parts of the work of the two year-old at play here:

1.  She's learning that she's separate from you.  Until recently, she has probably thought of herself as part of a unit composed of Mama-and-me.  She's starting to realize that you are, in fact, two units, that you do not always feel what she feels, and that she doesn't always have to do what you want.

2.  She's learning about feelings:  her own, and other people's, what causes them, how to express them, and how to deal with them.

The combination:  she has a lot of strange new feelings, and she's terrible at coping with them.  Welcome to the Terrible Twos.  I regret to inform you that the storm will last a while.

I agree that leaving the house when she wouldn't put her coat on was probably not the best move.  BUT, I also think that leaving the room when a child is hitting you is a totally appropriate, reasonable, natural consequence.   She may not really understand wanting to be alone yet - sometimes she gets irritated and she wants you to go away, and that confuses her, and you don't automatically do what she wants (because you're not her), and that's enraging, so she hits you and kicks you.  One of the problems with resolving to stick around at these moments is that it is possible that, at this stage, lashing out physically is how your daughter communicates that she wants to be alone. 

In regards to rebuilding her trust, tell her that you've thought about it and realized that you were wrong, and you are sorry.  You and she will both do better another time.  You love her and you don't want her to be scared.

[ElliesMomma]

like others said, apologize sincerely for the things you are sorry for. then give her the chance to forgive you. this is an important thing for her to learn, forgiveness! accept her forgiveness and move on.

as for the coat battle, let her have her way and go out coatless. be sure to let her play in the snow with bare hands too. of course, have the coat and gloves at the ready when she gets cold, which, if it's -5,  should be less than five minutes. then you can laugh (gently) and say, "i told you so. aren't you glad i brought your coat and gloves? do you want to go in now and warm up with some hot chocolate?"

that's what i would do, and i hope it helps.

[crunchy_mommy]

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. I agree with everything the pp's said. Leaving the house may not have been the best way to handle it but I think if you explain to her that you realize you made a mistake & you're sorry, she will forgive & forget. You can even explain that you were just pretending to leave, that you wouldn't REALLY leave her there alone. I think all the work you've done so far building her trust in & attachment to you will help both of you heal from this quickly.

As far as the jacket battle, if I'm matter-of-fact & just put the jacket on him, DS *usually* just accepts it despite his initial protests. Sometimes he tears the jacket off immediately so then I just bring it with us for when he wants it. I don't force the gloves/hat/etc. (though I cringe at seeing him uncovered in below-freezing temps!) and just remind him several times that when he's cold he can ask me for them (and he almost always does, though he's likely to tear them off 5 or 10 minutes later, in which case I once again just remind him he can ask for them back when he needs them!) Oh also I feel better about the times he goes coatless if I dress him well to begin with -- warm socks & shoes, hoodie, baseball cap, etc. -- he likes those things so even though they are less warm then what I'd like him to wear, he's still mostly covered & warmer... might sound like a no-brainer but for a while I was dressing him in light clothes figuring he'd just wear his jacket, so I had to adjust to expect he may not wear the coat!! (He's not yet inclined to choose his own clothes)

[nickysan]

thank you for your advice everybody, I think your right, I'm trying too hard to be perfect then feeling devastated when I inevitably fail. I think what she is going through is partly a stage and partly she is cross with me in general as she is having a very clingy stage and I am just not able to satisfy her need to be near me at all times and get on with life too. I'm thinking of ditching the buggy and getting a toddler carrier as she is point bank refusing to go in it, even though I use it as a shopping trolley except for when its nap time its just not working, she wants to be held, same with the no coat issue, she will get cold but still refuse to put her coat on and want to be carried for warmth. Anyone got any experience of using toddler carriers for a 21/2 yo?

[sunnygir1]

I still wore dd at that age in the Ergo.  I think it is quite comfortable, and with a heavier child I definitely found the back-carry much easier to sustain than the front-carry.

While I agree with you that you probably shouldn't cause your 2yo to believe that you are leaving her home alone, I do think that you should continue to enforce boundaries with her.  If she is hitting you or screaming, I think you should remove yourself from the situation (and tell her what you are doing and why).  Although she may tell you she's mad at you about it, I doubt that she actually feels afraid when you remove yourself to the next room after she hits you.  I feel strongly that it is important to respect our children's bodies AND to make them respect other people's bodies.  I assume you would never request that another child stay in the room with your hitting, screaming 2yo...you shouldn't make yourself do it either.  She is okay, and learning some important things.

One technique my sister taught me is to get the child's attention and then hand them/hold out the item without making a verbal request.  She found that her son objected to the verbal request (saying "no" just because he could) and that if she didn't actually tell or ask him to do anything he was much more agreeable.  It may not work, but it's worth a try to just get her attention and hold out her coat, maybe saying "let's go" or "ready to go to the _____".

Hang in there, mama, they do get more reasonable as they get older.

[lactatinggirl]

This post hit home because I've actually done the whole "fine, I'm leaving without you" think with my 2 year old and she got very, very upset. I immediately felt like an awful mother and comforted her. I definitely don't plan on doing that again in the future.

As for the physical separation when your toddler is hitting you, for me sometimes that's what's needed. Maybe if it's your toddler leaving you rather than you (in their eyes) abandoning them, it would be different? I have no idea how I even got her into the habit of this, but if I feel frustrated and need separation, she made a huge mess that I need to clean up and don't feel like having her help, or doing something like hitting the dog and I need her to be separated from the dog, I tell her to go to her room. Well, sometimes I ask "do you want to go to your room?" and sometimes I just tell her to. She's started going up into her room and shutting the door. I don't think she sees it as punishment because she doesn't get upset at all. She generally just goes in there and plays with toys or "reads" her books. After a couple minutes (which is the perfect time for me to calm down/clean up/comfort to dog) she calls for me. I go up and ask her if she's ready to come out and ask her something along the lines of "we don't hit the dog, do we?" and she'll say "yeah" to tell me she understands. I think what it really does is just diffuse the situation. Since we started doing this, I've found myself yelling and what not a lot less and I feel a lot less like I want to pull my hair out at the end of the day.

[LROM]

I'm wondering how much you're communicating with your 2 yr old about how certain things make you feel?  My dd is also 2 and when she hits or refuses to put her coat on or let me put it on and we're late and I'm stressed out, I tell her "No hitting, hitting makes mommy feel bad and it hurts." and if she keeps hitting, I explain that if she hits again I'm walking away. If she hits again and I walk away, I say *again* "I'm walking away because you hit me and I asked you not to.  If you hit, I will walk away." 

I wonder if you communicate more about why you're doing what you do - that and also what a PP said about giving her a heads up before it gets bad, before it gets to the point where you are upset or at your wits end - communicating may go a long way in helping her understand what is happening and why, and that she has choices and can choose to do something that will lead to an outcome she likes better (though not in those words obviously! :) ).

Have you tried explaining as you go along, identifying that certain behaviors are hard and the effects they have, then what the consequences will be, both before and at the time you do them?

[nickysan]

thanks for your helpful tips, I'm going to give the none verbal idea a try, and explaining how what she is doing is making me feel before it gets messy. I am finding that things seem to have calmed down lots in the last few days, I'm not entirely sure why, I have been sticking to boundaries and she seems to be getting the hang of it. I have been using bed/bedroom as a way of removing her from the situation if it gets too messy but not leaving her there alone, going with her and telling her we need to have a lie down to calm down when we get too upset, that seems to be working too, in fact she did the same as your lo lactating girl and went up of her own accord yesterday by herself. It really is feeling a million times better. I'll check out the ergo. thanks again everybody