Tandem nursing... What do I do about toddler jealousy?

[Apaulinaria33]

Daytime tandem nursing is okay until I lie down to nurse DD2 to sleep. I give DD1 some food to distract her and sometimes this works. But at night (we bed-share) DD2 gets very jealous and cries and asks for milkies and tries to turn me over. What can I do to calm the jealousy? Specifically what can I say to her (she's 20 months old) so that she understands that she has to share and wait her turn. I know she's used to being the only child and DD2 is only 2 months old, but DD1 was so great at sleeping at night and now she wants to monopolize my milkies! How do I distract her at night? Should I give her milk? Food? I've tried feeding her a late dinner and filling her up but she doesn't want to eat that much. I've also started giving her milk mixed with heavy whipping cream (warm and with a bit of honey) before bed to help her sleep longer.

I'm tired of being frustrated and I'm tired of feeling like a mean mommy. I want to be nice and loving and gentle with DD2. And I want to stop telling her "no"! Any ideas?

Sorry if this is in the wrong section...

[EzzysMom]

Put her on the far side of dad so she's not so aware? Can you nurse them both at once with you on your side, baby on the bed and toddler sprawled on top? I don't think this is a physical need, sounds emotional, so I don't imagine you will solve it with more food. argh sorry toddler needs me, I night-weaned my toddler while pregnant and that is the saving grace for us.

[CliffsideMama]

I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions for you, I just wanted to say I've thought about this issue coming up if we have another child... DD1 has just recently night weaned but she still will wake 2/3 times a night and need to be comforted back to sleep through singing, cuddling, etc... and I nurse her to sleep both at nap and night time.  Mama's Milk is definately one of her favourite things and I know she could never see me nursing another without needing some herself. 

I hope you find a gentle effective solution that works for your family.  The only thing I can think of is to have a large sleeping space for everyone together and have DD1 as far away from you and DD2 as possible so the night feedings don't wake her.

If DH could help distract DD1 with cuddles, songs, etc. at night  maybe that would help? Good luck!

[onyxravnos]

ds 2 was 2 months shy of 2 when ds 2 cam and they nursed together for another year but ds1 weaned...

for me i would lay on my side and nurse ds2 , ds one would kinda lean over me and nurse sitting up. if he fell asleep i would just kinda scoot him down onto the bed or once ds2 was asleep i would carefully roll over and then finish nursing ds1 until he was asleep.

it was a little akward for me but it worked alright and although sometimes ds wanted me to roll over before i could it at least allowed him to nurse and get some mommy in at the same time.

[Apaulinaria33]

Thank you ladies for your advice!

So dad has given up on helping. I would nurse DD2 and have dad rock her to sleep and while I put the toddler to sleep. But now he "can't deal with the crying" and "it's all my fault bc I didn't wean the toddler while I was pregnant". Although he doesn't realize how much sleep he would have missed if I did wean the toddler. So tonight I had both crying babies with me. The baby wanting to be nursed to sleep and waking up when the toddler would cry for milkies and try to roll me over to nurse her. So I would roll over to nurse her and the baby crying would keep her up. Ugh. No fun. And mind you dad is just sitting on the couch refusing to help. So I picked up the baby and "snuck" a feeding on my lap and rubbed crying toddler's back until she gave up and passed out. I think I will have to try nursing the baby on my side and having the toddler nurse from above. I wish I had breasts on my back too.

And if I had the toddler sleeping on the other side of dad she wold wake up and crawl over him until she found me. And he is no help at night except to make the situation worse by getting annoyed and yelling because he "works 10 hours a day and needs his sleep".

[lookatreestar]

my dd was 26 mos when my ds was born and honestly i did something similar. i have small breasts but i found a way to nurse them both at the same time because it kept the peace. now that she is almost 4 i do ask her to just snuggle me or wait her turn and sometimes she falls asleep on her own. other times she does wait up to nurse then nurses right to sleep. hth!

[SollysMom]

This sounds more like a marital problem than a nursing or GD problem.  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.  I'm a SAHM and DH works two jobs and gets up super-early, but he knew that when we had a second child it would mean he no longer got the nights off.  Two of them, two of us.  I try to do most of it myself, but if I need DH I don't hesitate to ask.  Now that DS2 is a bit older, I can comfortably nurse them both lying on my back, with each lying in my "nook" by my shoulder/armpit/chest.  This didn't work well when DS2 was tiny.  Propping him up on a pillow helped.  When he was tiny, the best position I found was to nurse him sidelying and let DS1 drape over me from behind to nurse on the top breast.

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by SollysMom 

This sounds more like a marital problem than a nursing or GD problem.  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.  I'm a SAHM and DH works two jobs and gets up super-early, but he knew that when we had a second child it would mean he no longer got the nights off.  Two of them, two of us.  I try to do most of it myself, but if I need DH I don't hesitate to ask.  Now that DS2 is a bit older, I can comfortably nurse them both lying on my back, with each lying in my "nook" by my shoulder/armpit/chest.  This didn't work well when DS2 was tiny.  Propping him up on a pillow helped.  When he was tiny, the best position I found was to nurse him sidelying and let DS1 drape over me from behind to nurse on the top breast.

yes to this! this is exactly what i did, when my ds was younger but now they can both comfortably nurse in my arms.

[mbhf]

I have done as PPs have suggested, nursed the baby side-lying and the toddler sort of climbed up over my back, if that makes sense. I've not really had any trouble with that until this time, my 2yo has been telling me not to roll over to nurse the baby but she is old enough to get that he is too little to nurse from behind me so I need to lay facing him. For nursing to sleep, up until about a month ago (my baby is almost 4 months) I bounced/nursed him to sleep on the yoga ball while she laid on my lap and nursed and I read to my older kids. It was not particularly comfortable but it was the fastest and easiest for all of us. As someone else mentioned, if I put a pillow under my arm/the baby I can usually nurse them both on my back or I can also lay the baby across my chest (with his feet on my toddler's side) but side lying is easiest and most comfortable.

I'm sorry your dh is not helping. It might be a lot easier if he would, but it can certainly be done without him.