Hello everyone, thanks for all of your thoughtful replies. So I can't figure out how to reply with all the different quotes from everyone's responses (if someone can teach me how to do this please PM me or post LOL)....so I'll just do it like this:
Tori19, I like what you mentioned about the dark night of the soul. In fact, my mom told me that yesterday was the darkest day of the year! Wonder if there's a correlation? I actually was thinking about that dark phase of the soul when I originally posted because I read a book about Mother Teresa last year that described that even she went through "dark" years where she couldn't hear God. That is what I am feeling like, in a sense. I was laying in bed earlier tonight and just sat there, looking, staring into dark (DS was sleeping next to me), not knowing what to say, what to pray, or what to do. I felt so unfulfilled by my life, but so guilty for not feeling fulfilled since I am very blessed. I just prayed/asked God "Why did you have to make things so indirect?? Why can't I just hear You??" Personally I know God is loving and God so I felt bad being so demading...but lately it feels like I know that in my head, not my heart. I wish I could just hear God say "Be patient. Just wait." and then this might be easier to get through. But I honestly hear NOTHING.
Dancianna, thanks for the thought. I've personally kind of felt like God "sends" me certain people to be my spiritual guide at certain times. I have one dear friend (a midwife!!) that comes to mind. Maybe I will share with her my spiritual crisis (that sounded dramatic...but ykwim) and see if she can help....
number572, what a beautiful post. I love how you respected both organized and unorganized spiritual paths. That is me, too. I didn't state my "faith" in my original post because I really just need help to connect with God and I think that is a universal thing. I was raised Christian (loosely) and I am actually a convert to Islam (I'm a practicing Muslim). However the word Muslim literally means in Arabic "one who submits" so I consider myself a muslim with a lower case m.....I'm just a person who is trying to know God. We have friends from all faiths, all beliefs, and I have found more and more that connecting to God is less about labels. But I don't find this problem to be one with my faith (Islam)....I am very satisfied with that....I just am in more of a spiritual rut (not a religious one) if that makes sense....
Shami, I guess that ^ kind of responds to your question :) hehe......but even though I'm Muslim I still love Jesus! LOL and actually I do read the Bible for inspiration from time to time....there are such beautiful verses there that are very uplifting
Umsami <3 thanks for your great suggestions mama. My mom actually just got back from a spiritual womens retreat....3 days of silence....there is another one in May and hopefully I can go too. I think I will try going out into nature (I live in a very beautiful part of the country).....and I do journal....more like thoughts mixed with prayers, but it definitely helps me see my feelings more clearly.
I am going to try your suggestion of praying about my purpose to God....its just hard to explain, every time I try, I just sit in bed and stare into the dark and weep because I honestly can't feel a darn thing. What I do feel is some sort of loss/unfulifllment. Almost how I would imagine feeling in a mid life crisis.... This is going to sound weird (its hard to explain spiritual feelings), but I almost feeling like I am missing something that I have known before (that's why I miss it). Like.....I lived my life before this and at this point in it there was something here that isn't here this time.....does anyone get what I'm saying?? It's not like the whole quiverful thing where I sense another baby coming (LOL definitely not that)..... I just feel like I'm not fulfilling my destiny or something
Thank you all for your sweet, sweet words. The other thing I am missing is a dear friend who SEES my soul. No one else seems to even realize I am going though this. I tried to talk to my husband, and he was so sweet, but he just couldn't help and his advice didn't really seem to get to the CORE of what I'm feeling. I wish I could invite you all over for tea and just cry to you all!