Help! Nightweaning Obstacle DS1, Daddy=playtime for DS2

[SollysMom]

I have two separate problems, but they're interrelated so I figured I'd just start one thread.  DS1 is 3yrs3months and DS2 just turned 1.  DS1 still nurses a lot, and for many months I was nursing both of them all.night.long.  We decided a few months ago that DS1 was finally ready to nightwean without too much trauma.  With him, if I'm there, he WILL want to nurse, so we decided that at least temporarily the best thing would be for DH to sleep in another room with him.  It went very well!  Even when he would wake up and ask for me, he'd just sort of whine and not really get too upset.  Here is the problem... DH has to get up at 4:30 AM Mon-Thurs to work a part-time job before his full-time job, and DH would bring DS1 in to me before he'd leave around 5:00 AM, and then I would allow him to nurse until we'd get up for the day around 7:00 (I can handle nursing them both for a couple hours like that).  After a while DS1 got used to this, started waking up around 3:30-4:00, and relentlessly asking DH to bring him to me.  Now DH is stuck trying to decide if he should spend however long it takes to get him back to sleep, only to bring him to me soon after, or just bringing him to me then so he himself can catch that extra hour of sleep.  So now I'd only consider him half-nightweaned, and it can be really difficult nursing them both for that amount of time!  Not to mention, I think it sends mixed messages when DH sometimes gives in and other times holds his ground in staying in the other room together (especially on the weekends).  I was thinking DH could let him stay sleeping in the other room with both doors open and then we'd teach DS1 that if/when he wakes up alone he can come to me himself, but he always just lies there calling for me when he wakes up, even after naps.  I'm sure we could get to that point in time, but I'd probably have to get out of bed to go get him for several days before he learns, and I'm afraid it will wake DS2 if I get out of bed.  Though, if I'm coming right back I could probably/hopefully just nurse them both back to sleep.   Part 2 of my question is that when DH does bring DS1 in during the night, he sometimes crawls in bed with us too and other times goes back to the other room.  We would both like for him to sleep with us; it's supposed to be a family bed not a mom+kids bed, but every time he does, DS2 gets really excited to see him and won't go back to sleep for HOURS.  He just crawls back and forth between us and we do our best with snuggles, backrubbing, nursing (me), but last night he didn't finally go back to sleep until DH left the room again.  He does normally like to be worn to sleep so I'm pretty sure if I got out of bed and wrapped him he'd go back to sleep, but with DS1 and DH in bed it would be difficult to put him back down again once he's asleep because they take up so much space.  I could go back to sleep with DS2 in the other room, but then we'd be back at square 1 (in reverse) when DS1 wakes again and then I'd be stuck with both boys in a smaller bed (our room has side-by-side queen and twin mattresses on the floor, other room has full bed on a frame).   Any suggestions on either problem are greatly appreciated!  Thanks in advance!

[D_McG]

I'd just be firmer all round here.  The 3 year old is well old enough to understand that there is no nursing in bed anymore (no matter what time). Nursing at some point in the night/early morning always seemed like a bad idea to me when I was nightweaning my kids.  So once we were done we were DONE until the next day.  Next day after breakfast when we're all dressed and ready to go (or whatever.  Just no possibility of nursing in bed whatsoever).  And that he can come in himself if he wants to snuggle.  To get DS to come in himself, DH would stand at his door and ask him to walk to him.  That helped a lot.

With your second issue I'd tell your DH to completely disengage at night ("Daddy's sleeping") and offer only a hug or nursing.  He'll get tired of wanting to interact if nobody interacts with him.  That was my experience with my two, anyway.

[SollysMom]

Thanks for the reply.  DH just gave his notice for his PT job so he'll be able to stay with DS1 all night/morning in the other room.  We haven't quite figured out long-term when DH (or both of them) will move back into our room.  I'd like to be pregnant again sometime in the next year, so maybe we'll wait until then and get DS2 nightweaned, then have the boys sleep together in a separate room (nightnursing DS1 through my 2nd pregnancy was AWFUL).