5 6 yo hitting scratching pulling hair anger issues

[cheryljoy]

My daughter turns 6 on Dec. 30, and is our only child - she gets angry and says no ALL the time, is oppositional, defiant, etc.  One issue that we're dealing with is a serious problem with her kindergarten class, and there is a meeting with the superintendant and parents of at least 6 children, because in the class of 14, at least 5 of them are special needs autistic and along those lines.  So this I think is affecting our already existing anger issue, that I thought was getting better before kindergarten started.  I don't believe in physical violence.  no hitting.  no "spanking", just another word for hitting, physical violence. I was yelled at all the time growing up, and I try very hard to not yell.  I've tried to do all the things the way I think they ought to be done, talking, telling reasons for things, treating her with the respect that she deserves, that we ALL deserve.  I don't do time outs.  Try to raise her with empathy, without rewards and punishments.  But I just do not know what to do, since she continues to hit and scratch and pull hair and try to physically harm me (or him) when she gets angry.  She does not do this with others, only at home.  Coming home from a visit to friends yesterday, a 3 hour car ride, and she was banging a rythmic beat with something on her stainless steel water bottle.  okay fine.  But then the tone changed and I saw that she was banging on a gift to me, a metal yarn holder, (old, antique) and the paint would get chipped, or it would get dented, etc.  So asked her not to bang that, though the beat was nice, and I explained how it could be damaged, and it was a gift to me.  She wouldn't stop, no matter how I asked, so I turned around to take it from her, and she began physically hurting me:  pulled my hair (out!) hit at me, scratched at my face, and this time, actually put a scratch on my cheek.  I lost it and slapped her hand to get her to let go of me, and am hurting so much inside from the whole thing.  I just don't know what to do to get this to stop.  I've read a lot of books.  maybe not the right one yet.  Now, seeing a real injury on me, my husband wants to spank her when she hits.  I've argued against physical punishment before, he has hit her before.  I am completely against it.  Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you, and all that.  Violence begetts violence.  but what do I do to stop this?  I've asked her, even.  Nothing is working, and I can't let her keep on saying no to me all the time, and I especially can't let her hit me or her father.  Can anyone help?

cheryljoy

[madskye]

Do you talk to her about respect and how to treat others?  The way she treated you was not nice, not acceptable.  What happened once you got home?  How did you deal with it before your husband found out?

I am not big into punitive discipline, but if my DD was hitting me and hurting me, I think I would let her know that if it happens again there will be serious consequences such as no play dates or tv.  I would also say, instead of having DH think he has to spank her, what if you sit down as a family and he expresses how it makes him feel, to find out that DD scratched you?  I would let her know, in a formal family meeting, that this is completely unacceptable behavior and talk to her about better ways to express her feelings.  She could let you take the water bottle and asked to play with it later.  She could have promised not to bang it on your gift.  There were ways to compromise in the situation. 

I am sorry you're dealing with this.  MY DD (5) was throwing huge tantrums in the beginning of the year, and the book The Explosive Child was very helpful to me.  But, I have to say--in my case, I was setting too many limits and not listening enough.  You already seem to be listening a lot.  That said, it's a good book you might find situations that match yours within it.

[cheryljoy]

Well, fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it,we've already done all those things with her, for a long time. (Fortunately because it's the right thing to do, unfortunate because it hasn't worked.)  We always talk about things, how they make us feel, how it might make others feel, unacceptable behavior, etc.  We've had family meetings.  We've talked about other things to do when angry, and things that are not okay to do when angry (or otherwise.) 

Oh, and DH was driving when all this occurred in the car - she was in the back, in her seat, behind me. I was in the front passenger seat.  So DH witnessed the whole thing and saw the scratch.

But that one incident isn't the problem,it's just an example of her getting physical when she doesn't want to do something (this time, stopping banging on my knitting canister with the knitting needle.) this is just the culmination of the problem, and now there is finally an injury (it's just a scratch, really, from her fingernail,) but that's not the point. The point is that she's progressed to making damage, I guess because she's getting bigger. And the problem is that it keeps on happening.  she keeps on hitting and being physically violent when angry. 

Edited by cheryljoy - 12/21/10 at 4:31am

[chaimom]

It sounds to me like she wants some limits and she's pushing further and further to see what it's going to take to get them. IMO, kids know they don't have all the answers.  They're looking to their mom and dad to help define what's OK and what's not.  Hitting's not OK. I'm sure she knows that.  And I agree that you shouldn't spank as a consequence.  But if she hits you, there's got to be a consequence of some sort.  And it can't be a conversation. Clearly that's not working.  If I were you, I'd start time outs and good-deed charts. Hitting?  Immediately to their room.  No talking about it-- she knows better.  Save the talk for later.  But she also needs rewards for good behavior. When my boys were that age, we did a marble jar that recognized when they were kind.  It wasn't for anything specific like setting the table, it was for when I "caught" them being kind, considerate or nice.  They loved it.  It took months to fill the jar, which they "miraculously" filled up at the same time, and we went and got ice cream to celebrate what wonderful kids they were.   It really sounds like your daughter needs your help, but I really don't think talking to her is working, so it's time to do something else.