I can't move past my fear of having to birth again..

[Taryn237]

*Now 35 weeks and still don't want to do this*

I am 22 weeks pregnant (with surprise #3) and not doing so well.  I'm in denial I have to go through labor and birth again.

DS was a failed induction turned unnecessarian (impatient midwife) at 41w6d.  I remember being thankful when they did the spinal because the pain of the contractions (with pit) stopped.  Looking back I think that if I had said no cesarean I just want an epi he would have been born vaginally. 

With DD I had been pumping once a day from 39w (I have IGT and had a low supply with DS). Anyway, 39w5d PROM. Labor did not start. 12 hours later I took castor oil, went to hospital at 18 hours PROM, needed almost constant nipple stim to keep labor going, At 33 hours past PROM I agreed to pit. I begged to go into the tub and was completely SHOCKED when it did nothing to ease the contractions.  After the pit hypnobabies also did nothing to help.  A few hours later I got an epidural because besides the pain being intolerable I was utterly exhausted and needed to sleep. After my nap they shut off the epidural but DD's heart was dropping when I was pushing so I was flat on my back pushing uphill. She was born 44 hours after my water broke. My midwife (different practice then DS) was in the hospital with me for over 24 hours. Yes, she came out of my vagina but I could barely move for days. It was awful.  I feel bad complaining because I 'got my VBAC'.  And guilty because of the epidural.

I can understand the desire for a medicated birth and even a c/s.  If we knew this was our last child I would seriously consider scheduling a c/s.  I cannot go through labor like that again.  The thought that it could be the same makes me break down and cry.  I don't know if I can do it without the epidural.  But I hated being stuck on my back and I hate catheters.  Maybe I have a lower pain tolerance than others.  I don't know.  I thought that by this point I would be beginning to be ok with birthing again.  I'm not even ok with being pregnant yet.  I feel so unattached to the baby.  I'm not sure what to do next to prepare for the inevitable.  I did hire a doula atleast.  DH thinks I'm insane because I just keep crying. 

Edited by Taryn237 - 3/15/11 at 6:34am

[31rubies]

Ina May Gaskins book, "Guide to Childbirth" (I think I got the title right)  is a great book to read pregnant.  The birth stories are mostly positive, which hopefully will cheer you up and get you thinking positive.  Read other homebirth or natural birth books (whether you are homebirthing or hospital birthing).  There are empowering books out there!  Don't let fear take away your joy.  Out of my four babies' births, two were wonderful, two were fear ridden.  The ones I let fear in on, are the ones that bother me.  Every pregnancy and birth is different, trust me.  I believed myself some things would be the same for me, and I was wrong!  Give yourself a chance,  give birth a chance.    I  understand your take on the epidural.  They are awful even when they work.   Take courage, I pray this baby's birth heals you and goes exactly the way you want.

[neveryoumindthere]

Aww, :hug

I know exactly how you feel.  I *knew* that my 4th pregnancy was being affected by the trauma I had with my 3rd.  My labour would start and stop and I knew it was something psychological/emotional.  When my midwife asked me at my 41w5d appt if something psychological might be holding me back, I burst into tears. 

I worked through it with meridian psychotherapy techniques, talking to the baby and asking what she was afraid of and some exercises with limiting beliefs.  As soon as I'd brought my distress level down to a zero, I had my first real contraction. I was ready. 

Hypnobabies is the other thing that I did during the pregnancy that in general brought down my anxiety adn we have a very amazing, 95% pain-free birth. (pushing really sucked.lol)

Hope this helps!

[lunarlady]

Hav eyou tried Birthing From Within? I just used the book, but some friends have done the course, and it really helps you face your prior experience and master your fears. No way around it in my book. Labor sucks but the payoff is worth it.

[Taryn237]

Bumping because I am almost 35 weeks and still feel this way  :(  I've been trying to read positive birth books and listen to hypnobabies but I'm very fearful.  I'm praying labor goes so fast we don't even make it out our front door.  DH would not be ok with a planned UBAC.  When I listen to the hypnobabies VBAC visualization cd I don't know how to picture my 'ideal labor and birth' because I don't really want to labor.

[mommato5]

Do you have a trusted friend to talk to?? Have you spoken to your DR about how you feel? Would you be willing to switch to a Dr you feel more comfortable with?? I believe it's really impoortant to talk to your Dr about all of your fears. If you don't feel comfortable enough talking to them like that, you need a different dr. I don't believe that psychological issues prevent labor or make it worse. In that case, I probably never would of had my rainbow baby. If you want to not have that pain, don't feel bad about it. It's ok, it really is. There is no reason to push yourself into a natural birth if it's not what you really want. My18 hour labor with my angel hurt so bad and I was up all night long, laboring alone. Next pregnancy I started thinking about that labor and decided I was not going to do that again. It's ok to have an epidural.

[MisaGoat]

Hi Taryn,

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. We met at the park a couple years ago. If you want to talk IRL or borrow any books we could meet up again and I could just listen to you and talk without thinking you're crazy for crying over things. 

[hasya]

(HUGS) Mama! I completely understand your feelings. I had a slow labor - 10 days past - induction - fetal distress - C-section 11 days past due date as well. And I empathize. I've heard enough labor trauma stories since that I also understand that fear. However, out of these traumatic stories, my colleague just had a marvellous birthing experience after a very traumatic experience the first time. No complications, not a tear. Likewise, my SIL. I do not think you're a failure in any way if you end up taking an epidural. Many women do, and not being able to tolerate pain isn't necessarily a bad thing.

However, if you feel so terrified that you cannot even think of labor without heart rate rising etc., you wouldn't be any less of a mother for opting for a C-section. If someone had never given normal labor and delivery a chance, I would urge them to overcome their fears and try. Your fears on the other hand, aren't baseless.

If you can seek help to overcome fear, nothing like it!

Good luck!

[EngineeringMama]

More hugs mama!

I'm a hypnobaby mom so might I suggest, instead of trying to visualize your perfect birth you work on just visualizing an okay birth. take the pressure off yourself, if you don't think you can have a perfect birth, work on preparing for a less than perfect birth. My first was a HB birth, at 40 + 1, not perfect, not pain-free, not wonderful or empowering, but not traumatic.  Second was 13 months after the first, so i didn't process a lot from the first, just pretty much got pregnant again. So when preparing for #2 I was still not convinced I could/would have a perfect birth, the first clouded me.  So i just kind of accepted that #2 may not be a 'perfect' HB birth, and that seemed to let me move forward.  I was still scared until the very end. I had visualized a perfect birth about 4 days before my EDD, that day came and went, and then a week of false labor really shook me. The waves hurt, hurt just like my last. When I finally did a fear release and really convinced myself that I needed to accept the birth, no matter what, I started labor. at 40 + 4.

I hate to say this and plant the seed or try to imply that your body is 'broken' I don't think it is, but given your history perhaps you need to prepare yourself for the use of pitocin at some point. Not assume that it will have to happen, but just prepared mentally in case it does happen.

On the other side, perhaps your babies need more time to bake (I know the PROM complicates this but...) Have you been able to discern if your children were actually 'due.'  Were your dates off?  If not, were your babies showing signs of distress and being truly post dates. If not perhaps you can start preparing for the potentially tough decision to decline induction and wait for that baby to come out.  A very tough decision either way mama, but I know you can do it gracefully. 

I wish I had more specific advice, but the other mamas have some great suggestions.

[Clover Honey]

My doula was also trained in Birthing From Within, and although I was doing Hypnobabies, she came to our home and did an exercise with us from that method.  She had DH and I each sketch, with colored charcoal, the birth we FEARED, but with it having a positive outcome.  It seemed hokey, but to this day I remember my drawing and smile thinking of the things that did and did not come true.  If you can't visualize your best birth, just focus on the affirmations.  My Mw told me there is no shame in wanting an epidural, and that gave me the confidence to know it was there if I needed it, and the go further than I thought I could because I had a plan for relief if I needed it.  I didn't - by the time I was in transition and crying that I thought I had done enough, I hung my head and started to push.  I was right, I had enough of that and I made it through.

I found it essential to have one earbud in at ALL times just repeating the affirmations and birthing day script and only paused it if my MW came in to talk to me.  Otherwise, if I stopped listening, my contractions would become disorganized and I was unable to handle them.  As soon as I put it back on, I just rocked and swayed and amazed the nurses and residents.  I was completely silent until transition.  I hope that would focus your contractions to work for you.  If pit is needed this time, as for the lowest amount and see what happens.  Once pit was started for me with my first, there was no way I could handle it without an epi (ended in c-section).  With my second, I was completely unmedicated, vbac.  For my third, I would consider a scheduled c-section because of a 4th degree tear and injury to DS.  To each her own.