Advice for mothers of gay children

[ibarbiebeatdown]

   If you discovered your child was gay or bisexual, how would you react?

Some of you may have never thought about this, but now's the time.

If you're a strong Christian and you think it is just wrong and against

God's will to be gay, don't discriminate your child, don't make them feel

like a freak, even if you think that. It could only lead to drug use or running

away, or worse, suicide. Unless you're some sick inhumane parent,

you wouldn't want your child to think that you hated them or were disgusted

by their choices. I say it's their choice, be who you want to be, It's not effecting

you. More and more homosexual kids are getting made fun of by other kids

and feeling ashamed and wanting to end it all. Do you want that? Do you want

your child to feel like less of a person just because of someone their attracted

to? You can't help who you fall in love with. You can't, love is love no matter

what gender, that's what i believe. Just accept and love and care for them,

treat them like you would if they were the way you wanted them to be.

Don't make them go through it alone either. Stand by them, make sure to

tell them "Honey, I'm proud of you. No matter what you do, I'll always love you"

    That's just my thoughts. I heard about all these kids killing themselves.

My boy, Brynnen,  discovered he was gay in 6th grade, when he was in the boys

locker room he came after school and said "Mom, what do you think about gay

people?"i have a gay friend named Brian who was my friend in high school and he

was one of my best friends. We still get together sometimes. so i said "Well, I'm

not gay but i don't have a problem with gay people, why love?" and he told me

"Mom...today in the boys locker room i got a boner looking at one of the guys

undress...and i feel weird when I'm next to this boy in my class, Alex..like tingly

and all i want to do when i see him is kiss him and be with him...Mom, i think I'm gay"

I never thought about what would happen if my son turned gay. But right then,

I didn't mind. i told him "If you're gay, that's fine with me. You love who you want to"

    I don't want to start a mom feud or anything. Everyone has their opinions.

Now, after my big ramble, moms, what's your opinion? what would you do if

you straight child turned gay, or how do you treat your gay child? :]

[laohaire]

I don't think a straight child (or adult) can turn gay, but welcome here mama, and good going on that. I think you'll find this to be a safe community for parents of gay children, plus gay parents, friends of gay people, trans, etc.

[MusicianDad]

A straight child isn't going to turn gay anymore than a gay child is going to turn straight. Your child is either straight, or gay, or bisexual, or asexual, or pansexual, or simply queer. It's the way they were born and the way they will always be.

And laohaire is right, you'll find this site is very much in favour of accepting, respecting and loving your child no matter what. We have plenty of GLBTQ parents on this board. 

[whatsnextmom]

I grew-up in theatre and was a professional stage manager for many years. My kids are in theatre as well. Needless to say we are very immersed in the gay community. Be best childhood friend and "honor attendant" at my wedding is gay. My uncle is gay and married his partner on their 25th anniversary. Countlesss friends are gay and lesbian. My DD (13) has several openly gay friends who we love. 

If my own son came out? Well, I'd be sad at first. No one wants their child to suffer and being gay, well, unfortunately, at this point in time, many do suffer. It wouldn't change my love for my child. I wouldn't try to make him change.

[mtiger]

I think a person is gay or not. Like a person is straight or not. They don't "turn" one way or the other.

I've had gay friends and family members. Doesn't make a bit of difference to me. And both of my kids know that.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

I think a person is gay or not. Like a person is straight or not. They don't "turn" one way or the other.

Yes, and I don't believe it's a "choice," anymore than it's a choice to have curly hair, or be tall, or allergic to cats.

With DS1, I'd be surprised. Not so much with DS2....he's always been a bit metro. :)

I won't lie...I'd be sad. Not because I have any problem with gay people, but because I know it can be hard to be gay in this world, and of course nobody wants someone to treat their babies badly. But it wouldn't bother me otherwise.

[GoBecGo]

My thoughts:

1) i don't believe one "turns" gay, at any age.  I believe sexuality is a preset but many-layered thing and people usually discover who they are sexually, as mentally and emotionally, as they grow up and live their lives.  I don't believe sexuality can be "made" or "cured" externally.  It's in there already.

2) i remember having crushes as described on girls at that age and i am not gay, i was just growing up and those feelings can come, unbidden, as your body's systems come on under hormonal influences.  So if my kid said that to me at that age i would tell them about that, about how i had those feelings and turned out to be mainly straight, and that they shouldn't worry about it either way because gay or straight, they are a really wonderful person, and i would probably ask them if they wanted or needed me to do anything for them as they processed this.

[nextcommercial]

I think all parents think about the possibility as our kids are growing.  I know I did anyway.

My daughter is not gay, but I like to think I would have been completely supportive.  We always mourn the loss of our dream for our kids, but no more than any other dream.  I think we all imagine our children's life as an adult, and I bet they rarely do what we hoped they would do.

In the end, as long as my adult child can support herself, have happy relationships, never get in trouble, and be a happy responsible adult... that's all I want.   (I'd like grandkids and a wealthy son in law... but, I'll keep that one to myself)

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

I think all parents think about the possibility as our kids are growing.  I know I did anyway.

Unfortunately not all parents consider the possibility. Many (possibly most) live in a world where having GLBTQ children is something that happens to someone else.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad 

Unfortunately not all parents consider the possibility. Many (possibly most) live in a world where having GLBTQ children is something that happens to someone else.

I have to agree, unfortunately. It's always been at the back of my mind with my oldest, although at this point he's into girls. But, at 19, he's still finding himself. And if that's who he ends up being? <shrug> So what? He's still my boy. And if not? Same response. But I've seen the reactions from (some) other parents. I've lost a lot of friends over the possibility. I have no interest in being friends with people who think it somehow reflects poorly on him as a person or me as a mother. Even worse is the pity I get. Gah.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad 

Unfortunately not all parents consider the possibility. Many (possibly most) live in a world where having GLBTQ children is something that happens to someone else.

Uh.. You lost me after B  what is T & Q for?
 

[stardogs]

I think the T = Transgender and Q = Queer?

No children here but DH and I have already discussed this issue.  I am someone that is often one of the first people friends tell when they come out as gay/lesbian/etc. so I apparently give off a very accepting vibe unconsciously (and consciously now that I've realized how hard it is to come out to friends and family - I want there to be no question that I am a straight ally).  I've always been of the mindset that I would hope a future DC would feel just as comfortable and loved about coming out to me as my friends have.  My friendships have not changed after I learned of their sexual orientation and I plan to treat a relationship with a child the same way - no change in how I feel about or interact with you and a listening ear always available.

My DH initially said that he'd be mad (when we first talked about this 3 or so years ago), but after meeting some of my friends who are gay/lesbian and lots of discussions he's changed his tune (thank goodness) - he'd be sad that the child would be facing a life that might be more difficult, but would still be supportive of them, though it might be a bit awkward initially.

[laohaire]

I think T is less specifically for Trans - which includes both Transgender and Transexual.

I believe Queer is a catchall term for anyone who just doesn't fit the sex/gender social norms. Probably my brother is queer, but he is not homosexual and not transexual and not even transgender though the last is the closest to it I guess. So the Q captures him where the others do not.

[MusicianDad]

Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Queer/Questioning

And FYI transgender is the generic category which includes transsexual, gender queer and all the other fun gender identities.

If you really wanna get complicated... GLBTQQIA.

[ollyoxenfree]

I have thought about it. I considered the possibility before I had children. From a very young age, I've tried to ensure that my children know that wouldn't have to fear coming out to us. As it turns out, both seem to be heterosexual. DS has had a girlfriend for 1 1/2 years now, and has had opposite sex romances since he was 12 or so. DD has also had an interest in boys, although she hasn't really dated or had a relationship with anyone yet.

An inclusive approach from an early age helps. DD's adored kindergarten teacher is gay and most of the parents in our neighbourhood want their kids in his class because he's such a great teacher. We are avid readers, and one thing I've done is to make sure we owned YA books with gay characters. 5 years ago, there didn't seem to be too many books available, but I found a few. I think it's probably easier to find books now, and it's almost obligatory for every t.v. sitcom and drama to have a gay character.  Both of my teens attend a performing arts high school and they participated in the "It Gets Better" initiatives at the school last autumn. There are a few students at their school who are openly gay, so I'm not too concerned that my kids would be afraid to come out because of peer pressure.  

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

I think T is less specifically for Trans - which includes both Transgender and Transexual.

I believe Queer is a catchall term for anyone who just doesn't fit the sex/gender social norms. Probably my brother is queer, but he is not homosexual and not transexual and not even transgender though the last is the closest to it I guess. So the Q captures him where the others do not.

Thanks.  LOL.. now that I think about it, it should have been obvious.  But, I got to "Bi", and thought "tri", so I was going to have that explained to me.  (I'm very easily led)

Does anybody else remember when "Queer" meant "odd" or "suspicious"?  "He's acting queer.... I wonder what he's up to?"  (takes on a whole other meaning now)  

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad 

Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Queer/Questioning

And FYI transgender is the generic category which includes transsexual, gender queer and all the other fun gender identities.

If you really wanna get complicated... GLBTQQIA.

 Heh, no wonder we often just pull out the rainbow flag and just be done with it.

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

Originally Posted by laohaire 

I think T is less specifically for Trans - which includes both Transgender and Transexual.

I believe Queer is a catchall term for anyone who just doesn't fit the sex/gender social norms. Probably my brother is queer, but he is not homosexual and not transexual and not even transgender though the last is the closest to it I guess. So the Q captures him where the others do not.

Thanks.  LOL.. now that I think about it, it should have been obvious.  But, I got to "Bi", and thought "tri", so I was going to have that explained to me.  (I'm very easily led)

Does anybody else remember when "Queer" meant "odd" or "suspicious"?  "He's acting queer.... I wonder what he's up to?"  (takes on a whole other meaning now)  

 I remember the old use of queer, but just barely. I don't think it was heavily in use in any way in the early 80s, kind of an old fashioned word at that point? But then in the late 80s people used it as a derogatory term. I grew up in the Boston area, and people would say "oh, that is so quee-ah" in that Boston accent. I think it was the mid-90s when it got "reclaimed" as a term.

Sort of off topic, but I had also been thinking recently that I credit Ellen as a major turning point (obviously there were other key events, Stonewall, Matthew Shephard, etc). When she came out in the mid-90s (or late?), her show got dropped and it was a big deal. A lot of people were uncomfortable. I can't imagine that happening today - someone in show business comes out now and people more often say "oh, I thought he/she already came out." Having this happen in show business really changed things because when Americans are used to watching Will and Grace (which I believe debuted within a year or two of Ellen coming out) or whatever, then it's just normal. Oh, there's the stereotypes galore, but it just changed things, whereas previously queers (using as a catchall here) were invisible and suspect ("there's none in OUR town" was probably the predominant attitude) they became a friendly, funny, attractive face in every American's living room. Well, anyway, there's my cereal box synopsis. Cheers, Ellen.

[AtYourCervices]

Edited by AtYourCervices - 12/30/10 at 10:20am

[mommaof3boz]

I'm not sure at nine if a child truely has the full concept of "marrying a girl".  I wonder if she has heard enough positive talk about glq (etc lol) that it sounds "fun" or something.  Or more like "if I live with a girl we can put makeup on each other and braid each others hair" not in a sexual form or anything.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by mommaof3boz 

I'm not sure at nine if a child truely has the full concept of "marrying a girl".  I wonder if she has heard enough positive talk about glq (etc lol) that it sounds "fun" or something.  Or more like "if I live with a girl we can put makeup on each other and braid each others hair" not in a sexual form or anything.

I don't know.. I remember being slightly confused at that age.  I was a TOTAL tomboy.  Almost more than a tomboy.  But, I really, really liked boys.   I had crushes earlier than nine.  They were all from tv shows, and mostly grown men.  But, I had a few odd little "Girl crushes".  (Christy McNichol and Tatum Oneal).. seriously though, after bad News Bears, how could you NOT have a crush on Tatum Oneal??

Anyway, I think I knew I liked boys by age nine or ten.  Not in the sophisticated mature teenage crush way , but in the "I'm going to marry Fonzie when I grow up" sort of way.

Edited by nextcommercial - 12/23/10 at 9:14pm