balancing act - esp. since ds 14 will be going to high school next year.

[Dancianna]

Does anyone worry about how to help their kids retain their ability to be in the present moment AND to be concerned primarily about being true to themselves rather than winning others' approval, while at the same time trying to prepare them to live successfully in our society, which means having self-discipline, planning, and working when it is called for?

[moominmamma]

Hmm, I don't really so those aims as being at all in conflict with each other. I do agree that they're important aims. But I think they can support each other, rather than being at odds. My eldest (16 years old now) has had to do a certain amount of hoop-jumping in order to pursue her dreams. For instance, right now she's in the basement room with her violin practicing orchestral excerpts -- boring and semi-meaningless technically challenging bits gleaned from the first violin part of symphonic repertoire she may never perform -- in order to have a shot at playing in the National Youth Orchestra next summer. Yesterday she spent four hours finishing up reading a novel for an advanced English course she's taking on-line to pad out her portfolio/resumé/transcript for university admission applications. Both of these tasks aren't inherently enjoyable to her but they are meaningful to her because they bring her closer to her dreams and goals. And as such she does them, and finds ways to make them as palatable and interesting as possible, and to glean whatever benefit she can from them. 

I think "being in the moment" is great. But I also think that "looking beyond the moment" is an important ability to have. It's what allows adults to make mortgage payments, maintain romantic relationships, hold down a job and gain abilities that increase long-term enjoyment and productivity. The more abstract teen mind should be able to handle this deferment of gratification, and I think it's quite natural to move teens in that direction. What I'm talking about is not dispensing with passions and enjoyable pursuits, but engaging in some long-term big-picture work that while perhaps not intrinsically enjoyable will help further enhance one's ability to pursue those dreams and goals.

I wash tonight's dinner dishes (and make this act more palatable by listening to music and/or chatting with dh) in order that tomorrow I am able to enjoy eating meals off clean dishes. My 14-year-old ds spends some time each evening doing trigonometry in order that in a few years he'll be able to enjoy pursuing physics game engine programming. We don't compromise ourselves morally or otherwise doing the grunt work in order to reap the rewards, and the rewards are meaningful to us, so I don't see a problem.

Hope I've caught the gist of your questions. If not, some details of your situation would be helpful in clarifying.

Miranda

[Dancianna]

Originally Posted by moominmamma 

Hmm, I don't really so those aims as being at all in conflict with each other. I do agree that they're important aims. But I think they can support each other, rather than being at odds. My eldest (16 years old now) has had to do a certain amount of hoop-jumping in order to pursue her dreams. For instance, right now she's in the basement room with her violin practicing orchestral excerpts -- boring and semi-meaningless technically challenging bits gleaned from the first violin part of symphonic repertoire she may never perform -- in order to have a shot at playing in the National Youth Orchestra next summer. Yesterday she spent four hours finishing up reading a novel for an advanced English course she's taking on-line to pad out her portfolio/resumé/transcript for university admission applications. Both of these tasks aren't inherently enjoyable to her but they are meaningful to her because they bring her closer to her dreams and goals. And as such she does them, and finds ways to make them as palatable and interesting as possible, and to glean whatever benefit she can from them. 

I think "being in the moment" is great. But I also think that "looking beyond the moment" is an important ability to have. It's what allows adults to make mortgage payments, maintain romantic relationships, hold down a job and gain abilities that increase long-term enjoyment and productivity. The more abstract teen mind should be able to handle this deferment of gratification, and I think it's quite natural to move teens in that direction. What I'm talking about is not dispensing with passions and enjoyable pursuits, but engaging in some long-term big-picture work that while perhaps not intrinsically enjoyable will help further enhance one's ability to pursue those dreams and goals.

I wash tonight's dinner dishes (and make this act more palatable by listening to music and/or chatting with dh) in order that tomorrow I am able to enjoy eating meals off clean dishes. My 14-year-old ds spends some time each evening doing trigonometry in order that in a few years he'll be able to enjoy pursuing physics game engine programming. We don't compromise ourselves morally or otherwise doing the grunt work in order to reap the rewards, and the rewards are meaningful to us, so I don't see a problem.

Hope I've caught the gist of your questions. If not, some details of your situation would be helpful in clarifying.

Miranda

Hi, Miranda,

I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of your reply.  I do think I should give more details - I am borrowing a computer now as mine is down and can't write comfortably at the moment.  Your kids sound like they have great internal motivation and clear goals - that's wonderful!  I think something I can take from this right away is to talk to ds this a,m. about goals - what does he want to be doing with his life?  I will report back later.

-Dancy